I Deserve Happiness

The other day Jen and I were talking about a campfire (our therapy sessions) and she said something that rang true with me. She said that I am afraid to "hope." She named it! She hit the disease I placed upon myself and all of my luck right on the head!

Once upon a time something happened that made me afraid to hope as I used to, and ever since my luck has been bad. No one cursed me, I hindered myself. I am a "hoper," but something went horribly wrong to distort my gift for hope.

That is why sometimes things go right and sometimes things go wrong that I hope for: I am psychologically making them and hindering them. I am cursing myself, for after all, a curse has no power if you do not make it so yourself!

I have the power of hope and it can both make and break. That one simple statement said so much and ran straight through me. She is so right! I love her so much. Why could no one else tell me this? Why could no one else tell me exactly what I needed to hear? Perhaps it is because she is my hope? Perhaps because I needed her to give me my hope back after I just had a little – a small flower of hope?

Now, certainly life can throw you curveballs, but it cannot break your hope unless you allow it too, and you never quit unless you give-up. I have ben giving up, and I never knew it, for it is totally against my will and my being, and SHE saw it.

She sees my strength. Jen sees how firm I am and all of the strength and energy that radiates through me and she does not wish to devour it, but wishes to make it larger. She is a true love and I deserve her! Damn it! I deserve all of her! I deserve every ounce of this beautiful spirit! I deserve her and I have her, and she deserves me in all I am.

Jen is not too good to be true, she is perfect. Jen is everything I always wanted and everything I could never express that I wanted. True love does exist and I will not be hurt by loving. It is okay to love and okay to hope. Even if she left me tomorrow, she is everything I deserve HERE and NOW. I need her and I love her, and I have hope for her, and I always did.

It is okay. It is okay. It is okay to hope. It is okay to have big dreams and to chase them. It is okay to dare to live and dare to love. It is okay.

"Life sometimes sucks, but it is going to be alright."

You can have the wildest and craziest dreams and "hope" does happen. Life hits you in the face and says, "I am unreal, but I am here."

Jen is something else, and she is living hope. She is my hope and I am her perpetual energy that cannot be contained. I am that energy. I am that something that moves her and propels her along, for some unknown reason. We are hope! God/dess I don't really know what I am saying, but I see it.

All I know is she is right, I became afraid to hope, and it needs to stop! I deseve Jen, she deserves me, and we deserve true and total hapiness – this I know.

Peace,

Alraune

Love and Freedom

It's been precisely one hundred twelve days since I began seeing Jennelle, and I am mad, mad, mad, crazy in love with her. And I realize something – love is freedom. You could be bound up, twisted up, beaten, cold, and with all odds against you, but if you have love...you have freedom and you have hope.

That's it! That's what I've always loved and always missed about loving another – it is the power of it and the fact that it cannot just make the impossible seem possible, but all things possible. Love does things to your mind, your heart, and every ounce of your being – it changes you. It is magic in that it can alter your perceptions and change your mind and your heart and thus change everything. Love gives you hope, belief, strength, and literally everything.

Everything is possible to those who believe, and love makes you believe. Love can imprison and set free, but when it leaves you wounded it will always come around and mend the pieces which cannot be fixed by time – the pieces of yourself which are missing without someone to love.

The song "The Rose" by Conway Twitty perfectly encapsulates what love is and what it means to me. The song goes through all the stages of love and it is all about the power of love and the freedom it can take away through it's pain as well as the intense mind-blowing freedom it has to give by unleashing its power.

When I spent that first night with Jennelle up on Shade Mountain we were sitting there talking and telling stories. I found a small flower (really, it was teeny tiny) and I gave it to her. It was a symbolic gesture on my part. I can't remember if I handed it to her or threw it at her – that is how much of a conscious gesture of symbolism it was at the time, but that flower is not the point, it is that moment. I planted a very very small seed on the top of that mountain, a seed of life and freedom and peace and happiness. The song "The Rose" really fits that moment because it tells the story of everything that was in me at that moment and everything I had to give which was hidden away but dying to come out.

I found a little more of the freedom I have been longing for by finding Jennelle. I can't explain it and I am trying too. As the song says, I will not be "the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live." I want to live and I want to love! I can't be free if I cannot love, and love like I want to because loving is a part of me.

And my Goddess the liberty in it all! It just makes me hear music and beauty everywhere! A thousand songs run through my mind at once: "Sugar Magnolia" by the Grateful Dead, "Somebody Like You" by Keith Urban, "Good Lovin'" by the Grateful Dead, "Woman" by John Lennon, "Your Man" by Josh Turner, "Hangin' By A Moment" by Lifehouse, "Believe" by Lenny Kravitz, "4th of July" by Shooter Jennings, "When It's Love" by Van Halen, "Happy Together" by The Turtles, "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company, "Is this Love" by Bob Marley & the Wailers, and dozens upon dozens upon dozens of others.

It just feels good to feel this good for this long, and to know that I am more alive and more free than ever before.

Words cannot describe.

Peace,

Alraune