Feeling Free

The Feeling of Freedom

There are certain things in this life which make me feel free. I guess one could say that living is what makes me feel free; after all, isn't freedom really a feeling or a state of mind? But sometimes I think simply saying that I am "living" or "alive" is oversimplified, and I want to list things even though such a list can be as equally undescriptive.

I suppose I am just too informed about what is going on around me and in me, and I get it – I see the control. So it is a constant struggle for me, feeling free. I can't let it go, I see too much. I am grown and evolved; I am aware and alive; I am alert and aroused; and I am active and feeling.

So at risk of being undescriptive and misleading in exactly what I mean, I present a sort of list. This list should be understood in conjunction with it's equally oversimplified summary of "I am alive." None of it is the sum total of what I am trying to communicate, but it all gets the reader a little closer to what it is that I believe constitutes "feeling free."

I feel free when I can be myself unrestricted and unpressured by outside influences, including those outside influences which have been programmed into me as who I should be or how I should act. I feel free when I rebel against those influences, not for the sake of rebellion, but because I am consciously aware that my rebellion is truly who I wish to be or what I wish to do. I feel free when I have no guilt brought about by sinning against myself; that is, my true self, not who I have been programmed to be or how I have been programmed to act. In other words, I feel free when I am acting as a spirit with freewill and not some biochemical robot who has been programmed with a bunch of IF, THEN, and GOTO commands.

I feel free when I take the time to question everything: every feeling, every worry, every desire, and every hinderance. I feel free when I know myself: physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I feel free when I know my environment: where I belong, my orientation and direction, my resources, and my physical world. I feel free when I know my society: what society is, how society works, what the purpose of society is, and what parts of me are actually society. I feel free when I know I am not a tool for society, but society is the tool is was meant to be for me and everyone else who chose to be a member (if choosing membership in our modern society is even possible).

I feel free when I am outdoors – that is my physical environment! I feel free when I am in the analytical mind and in my spirit. I feel free when I can find and make my own food and medicine, and provide my own necessities of life. I feel free when I am listening to music or making my own. I feel free when I can smoke whatever or drink whatever or ingest whatever, as I wish too, when I wish too, and without fear of reprisal. I feel free when I can fully express my sexuality. I feel free when I can fully express my emotions. I feel free when I can take full control over my own consciousness and expand it in whatever manner or way I choose!

I feel free when I am naked, not just physically, but on every level and in every way. I feel free when I feel innocent (without guilt). I feel free when those around me feel as I do and they see and accept who I am, what makes me myself, and what it is that makes me feel free. I feel free when I am only concerned with what really and truly matters in my life and all the unnecessary B.S. is removed from my concern so as to eliminate unnecessary stress and anxiety.

I feel free knowing how society controls each and everyone of us. I feel free knowing that we are controlled through the creation of unnecessary stress and anxiety in order to steal energy and generate a passive, apathetic, or docile state. I feel free knowing that we are controlled through the creation of false guilt, false self-awareness, and a false sense of esteem. I feel free knowing that life is not what we are programmed and lead to believe, but it is so much simpler and so much more exciting. I feel free knowing that it is not about society, but society is about "us"!

I believe it was Janis Joplin who said, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." I've often thought about that lyric, and I never quite believed it extended much past talk of love, relationships, and matters of the heart, but I can see where it applies to what I am trying to say, if for nothing, then as the beginnings of understanding what it is that feeling free truly is.

Freedom cannot be bottled-up and taken away. Freedom cannot be imprisoned. Feeling free can be bottled-up, taken away, and imprisoned, but freedom is our natural state and natural right. You can't take freedom, but you can take the feeling, and if you take the feeling, then there is no perception of it except what your captor provides you. Freedom is perceived and known through feeling. Perhaps that is why the philosopher Christian de Quincey intrigues me so much? He, like other philosophers, insists that "feeling" is just as relevant a form of knowing as any other perception; indeed, it may be the most important.

Freedom is one of those states of existence that means nothing without feeling it. We are not free because of a right or a piece of paper (our Constitution), or because of a flag, or even because someone died in some war over natural resources or money or ideologies. We are free when we feel free, and we feel free when we think and do as ourselves.

So, in closing, I would say if you want to be free and you want to feel free, find yourself, know yourself, and then be yourself. Damn everything that makes you not be yourself! Freedom is not money, or a job, or a privilege, or something on a piece of paper, or anything which can be controlled or taken. Freedom is a state of mind. Feeling free is merely living and perceiving that very state of mind!

Peace & Happiness,

Alraune

Happy New Year! It is 2014 and the beginning of a new and glorious year. A new year with Jennelle and with love. Let me speak of her again!

She does little things for me, that I do not and would never ask for, like making my cigarettes for the day (I roll my own) or making breakfast, or just a little something to make the day a little better and a little more beautiful and a little less stressful. That is love!

Just when she leaves me a little note, or a simple Post-It Note with a red heart drawn on it...it makes all the difference when that is the very first thing I see when I awake. I almost want to burst into tears thinking about it because it it so valuable and precious to me. It is so beautiful to me that I save every note in a little shoe box as if it were gold. It is gold to me.

Have you ever known this? I have not. And I never want to know what it is like to not have this again, for I know I truly have love. I have a love that wants to do anything, even a little thing, just to brighten every single day of my life. And I want and do the same.

Its been over seven months. It is not infatuation or gross error, it is true love; it is not a lie or a facade, it is truth.

On New Year's, at midnight, we danced and kissed. We played several songs and danced and hugged and kissed. The same love was still there – a love that is different than all others, bigger, and larger, and stronger. I love her for exactly who she is and she loves me for the same.

I want to speak of freedom to you, but I cannot get this woman out of my head, because I love her so much. She is freedom to me – love is freedom. I was so close, yet I could not place what I was whining or venting about.

I'll say it again, it is love. Love is freedom! Love is not a drug, it is anything and everything that makes sense and purpose in life.

You want to be free? First find yourself, then find someone who loves you for you, whom you love for who they are. Sound difficult? I think it just happens, eventually, when you set out to truly find yourself and BE yourself.

And do not FEAR. For who says it needs to be here or there? This or that? Let love be what it is, when it is, and let time do it's thing. If you walk into love with this attitude, you can survive its might and take full advantage of it, without fear. Just let it be what it is, when it is, and allow it to travel it's course. Just let Love be.

Maybe it is when we try to control love and capture it in some sort of bottle that it dies?

Jen speaks of appreciation, and perhaps that is something huge to her. Me? It is something deeper. It is not appreciation, but desire to make another happy and better. It is a desire to do anything and everything you can, even the little things, to make the life of the one you love just a little bit better – one day at a time. Maybe you could call that appreciation, but I call it love!

Love is not just someone to lean on, but someone who will lift you up both when you are down and even before you have a chance to fall – because they give a damn. It is a heart that is always there, waiting and watching and caring. It is a heart that is so taken by what you give that it would give all it can just to keep what you give effortlessly, out of pure natural love and affection.

Jen is my “trip”. I am tripping for her and I am high as a kite. She is still here and still in love and has seen just about all there is to see. Really the only thing left to see is when I truly lose my temper (which is few and far between) and the playing out of my sexual fantasies (which I am fairly certain she would be more than for).

So what do I mean? Well...sometimes I lose my temper (long fuse, explosive anger) and she has not seen me truly lose it yet (it has scared the shit out of all who have seen it – including me), but I do not see that as a problem as I only lose my temper when it matters and counts and she is one who understands. Maybe she will fully understand? Maybe it will turn her on? Maybe it will be no big deal to her? Maybe I'll never have to go there again?

And what do I mean by sexual fantasies? I am bisexual and quite open when asked, yet understanding and considerate of those I love. Maybe that will bug her one day? Maybe some day I will feel more on the bisexual side and she will catch me watching porn she doesn't feel comfortable with or something? I don't know. She is bisexual as well, so I don't see how, but it could be. Maybe she just won't be capable of figuring out how to handle a man who has my sexual drive and orientation?

Don't get me wrong. I can be monogamous, but it does not change what turns me on.

And this is all part of freedom and knowing the self and having love; it is a complicated thing. Love kind of rises above this all and makes everything alright. Love understands on both sides and finds a way Love transcends!

Granted, she has many desires and infatuations that definitely appeal to me (although she only dances around them), so as I said...I am actually quite positive in thought about the sexual fantasy department – I think she wants to go places that would help to fulfill a bisexual guy anyway.

Let me put that last part this way... I ask myself, being bisexual myself, what it is this woman desires and what is all that I can give to fulfill those needs and desires? I obviously cannot be a woman, but what is it that both men and women can give her that I can give? So I give her emotional support and masculine strength and love and I go down on her often – I give the best I can to capture all worlds. I know I can never be a substitute for all longings, but I can be the best thing across the board – the best love. I know I can compete in that arena and I can be me. And I am open enough for her to come to if the longings to play out her sexuality are too strong. I won't and don't care, so long as my body, health, mind, and heart are considered in the equation – I demand her freedom.

Is it wrong for me to do so? I don't think so. And maybe I should say such more? Or maybe I should keep my mouth shut and love as I do? Or maybe we both should run amuck and do our thing? I honestly do not know. I am honestly new to loving and not giving a shit as to what I WANT to be projected onto the other (non-freedom). I am still trying to figure out just how to let the other be FREE and be their self and still LOVE them.

Anyway...happy 2014 and happy love! Live your life FREE and with PEACE and LOVE! Be satisfied and feekl wanted and appreciated.

Blessings,

Alraune

P.S. Jen is right. There is lot's of love in this house. That is why I am still here and why I am who I am. But love does not come without pain, and there is tons of hurt, but love conquers all, and the hurt only makes the love stronger.

I am deadly dangerous not because I went to bodyguard school, but because I love. The most dangerous man is not one who has nothing to care for, but one who has everything to care for. It is impossible to defeat a man or woman who has everything to lose with the strength of any army or weapon of the world, for love conquers all... Love will always find a way!

Grand Ideas

Wow! I have been getting way off track. Not that such was a bad thing, but I need to get back on track lest I faulter and fail. Freedom ain't free, ya know? Or so they say!

I've been kicking around ideas of getting my CDL, mostly because Jen and my good friend Steve both suggested it, but also because it makes sense. I can travel and get paid to do so. It is a way to live within the system and get my way, Certainly I must give concessions this way, but it is a way.

I know it is not what I want to do forever – I want to be free, travel AND make money and exist and thrive on my own or with my team in which I am an equal, not for some company and stock holders. Nor do I want to be constricted by government rules and regulations because I am part of and supporting a system I know and fully believe is broken, corrupt, screwed up to no end and destroying humanity itself.

It's a way, among many to get there, and it may work best for me. I'll have to continue to kick around the idea and see what doors open – that's when I know it is meant to be.

I didn't get anything I truly enjoyed because I went looking and chasing. I got such because a door opened and I walked through.

I see life as this: You see a receptacle and you grab a plug that interests you, you try it. If it works you go, if not you move on. A door opens, you make a choice, and that is that. Free will AND a master plan (someone working behind the scenes).

So what is on my mind? Get a good laptop. Try my hand at microstock photography, continue my efforts at blogging and writing and graphic design and get more serious again. Also try my hand at erotica. AND find a new job to supplement things, including trying a risk-free but sensible and the best option at trucking. I figure it is worth a try. Then learn herbalism and learn it good and go from there.

That's my plan. Plus, get myself a van next year, as I had intended.

I can do all of this while planning and plotting with Jennelle, but I need to stay focused on these things, for they are me.

Also, pursue my mystical and magical and paranormal interests – they are me. Incorporate them into my overall focus and aim somehow.

I have to go there, I have to go now. Life is short and I must stay on task.

I need to find some time to meditate and do spiritual things. I need to get back to my time with the God/dess and think and plot and plan and DO. All I need to do it like before, just set aside and hold to one day a week (a lunar phase), for such things. It makes all the difference.

One cannot sit idly by and wait for the world to become what they wish – they must act, somehow and someway and look for open doors. And you can't act properly or see properly if your head is not screwed on correctly, which is a totally spiritual issue, in my opinion.

You have to remember what means what to you. You have to remember where you came from and where you intend to go. Do you not?


You must be strong and recognize yourself.

Let me say a little of myself. I don't know why, but this comes to mind...

Many say, “the female body is beautiful and best to look at” and I quite agree, but the male body has its own beauty. Study it once. Study it carefully. It is a machine – a powerful machine made to work and war and persevere. It is a beautiful machine, but not a mere mechanical machine, an organic machine of sublime, natural and raw beauty.

Look at the shoulders and the way they are built for power. Look at the hips and buttocks and how they are positioned for explosive power and strength – see how the center of gravity is set perfectly in the male body for how it is made. See the arms, their length and their muscle. See the hands and their power to grasp. Notice the chest muscles and how they are made to push away or lift the body upwards. Study the calf muscles and how they are thick and durable and the shape of the thighs designed to propel the legs and the entire body in any direction.

Study the back. Notice the position of the spine and the muscles which push and pull upon it. Again look at the shoulders and the hips and see how they are built for explosive power.

Then look at the feet and see how well they are made to balance the body they hold up and notice the head which sits atop it all. Look at the skull and how it is made thick and aerodynamic for battle. Notice the nose and the ears and the eyes and how they all sit perfectly, not for beauty, but for the purpose of power, cunning, and battle. How they “fit” for sensory perception in compatibility to the body.

See the intensity of the eyes. Look at the roughness of the skin and its softness which knew no battle. Was this because it fought little or because it fought much and left unscathed?

Study the male body for the beauty it was meant to be studied in. Not for childbirth or attraction to gain it, but for power, protection, and cunning.

I look at my own body and it metaphorically describes me, as I believe all physical bodies metaphorically are the manifestations of the true inner self (good and bad). My body is powerful, extremely powerful, and it comes with an equally powerful mind. I am built to work and war and succeed. When anyone sees me they see my physical power, first. They see how I strive and try and fight and I move forward like a bulldozer and press on and do not cease. Without knowing me they may not see any imagination or thought behind my mechanical being, but they do see the mechanical aspect.

Well, that is my mind and spirit! I move steadily forward and plow over my obstacles without fear or worry that I cannot – I simply do. I may not be invincible, but I know enough to know that I am damn near the fact if I am determined enough. I simply have the mechanics: body, mind, and spirit. I am not to be underestimated – ever. I am a force to be reckoned with, not because I say so, but because I am what I am and I am blessed to be. Look out if I am truly determined and want to do it! Better yet, just get out of the way.

Indeed, the beauty of a man is his machine-like qualities combined with his human emotion. I have these in a very potentiating format. Perhaps that is truly what many recognize in me? I can do it, if I truly want too.

I am not trying to talk myself up – I don't need too. I am trying to make a poetic point. That point is that I can and I will – I just don't know how or when just yet. But I know I will – I know it is already written in me and everyone can see it on the surface. So how much more can they see it if they look beneath?

I guess what I am trying to say is all for me and also for those who need to hear it for themselves. Stay on task, stay on focus. FIGHT! THINK! DO! GET THERE! Count on no one and nothing but you, after all it is your dream and your life. You can share it with others, but it is not truly sharing if it is not your's to begin with. That is why it is important to stay on task and stay focused! You have nothing to share if you have nothing to give, and you have nothing to give if you have nothing of your own.

I think I learned this lesson the hard way when I tried to give all of myself to another and just about destroyed myself doing so. I lost all sense of who I was, which is probably the main thing that went wrong – I will not go there again. I cannot afford too. Where I went was too far. I had the right idea, but all of the wrong conclusions.

There is nothing to share if there is no YOU. That is why it is so important to know who YOU are. Freedom starts with YOU! And relationships are like butterflies and the old saying, “If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is your's, if it does not it never was.” What that means is freedom all around. It means true love is sharing and sharing requires freedom and something that is YOU and only YOU to share with the other.

Relationships die two ways: when we lose ourselves and when we lose the “us” and it becomes all about the self. Simple, straight forward, and quite probably fact.

Just let it be.

Strive to be YOU and share what you have to offer with others. Plain and simple.

Can the key to life be that simple?

Alraune

Love and Freedom

It's been precisely one hundred twelve days since I began seeing Jennelle, and I am mad, mad, mad, crazy in love with her. And I realize something – love is freedom. You could be bound up, twisted up, beaten, cold, and with all odds against you, but if you have love...you have freedom and you have hope.

That's it! That's what I've always loved and always missed about loving another – it is the power of it and the fact that it cannot just make the impossible seem possible, but all things possible. Love does things to your mind, your heart, and every ounce of your being – it changes you. It is magic in that it can alter your perceptions and change your mind and your heart and thus change everything. Love gives you hope, belief, strength, and literally everything.

Everything is possible to those who believe, and love makes you believe. Love can imprison and set free, but when it leaves you wounded it will always come around and mend the pieces which cannot be fixed by time – the pieces of yourself which are missing without someone to love.

The song "The Rose" by Conway Twitty perfectly encapsulates what love is and what it means to me. The song goes through all the stages of love and it is all about the power of love and the freedom it can take away through it's pain as well as the intense mind-blowing freedom it has to give by unleashing its power.

When I spent that first night with Jennelle up on Shade Mountain we were sitting there talking and telling stories. I found a small flower (really, it was teeny tiny) and I gave it to her. It was a symbolic gesture on my part. I can't remember if I handed it to her or threw it at her – that is how much of a conscious gesture of symbolism it was at the time, but that flower is not the point, it is that moment. I planted a very very small seed on the top of that mountain, a seed of life and freedom and peace and happiness. The song "The Rose" really fits that moment because it tells the story of everything that was in me at that moment and everything I had to give which was hidden away but dying to come out.

I found a little more of the freedom I have been longing for by finding Jennelle. I can't explain it and I am trying too. As the song says, I will not be "the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live." I want to live and I want to love! I can't be free if I cannot love, and love like I want to because loving is a part of me.

And my Goddess the liberty in it all! It just makes me hear music and beauty everywhere! A thousand songs run through my mind at once: "Sugar Magnolia" by the Grateful Dead, "Somebody Like You" by Keith Urban, "Good Lovin'" by the Grateful Dead, "Woman" by John Lennon, "Your Man" by Josh Turner, "Hangin' By A Moment" by Lifehouse, "Believe" by Lenny Kravitz, "4th of July" by Shooter Jennings, "When It's Love" by Van Halen, "Happy Together" by The Turtles, "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company, "Is this Love" by Bob Marley & the Wailers, and dozens upon dozens upon dozens of others.

It just feels good to feel this good for this long, and to know that I am more alive and more free than ever before.

Words cannot describe.

Peace,

Alraune

Straightening This Blog Out

Lately, this blog has become about a certain woman, and it is definitely NOT intended for that. While I will always hold all of my past loves in high regard, this blog is about ME, MY take on relationships, and about freedom, and I will not allow myself to stray from that.

I fell away from my goal for the same reason I had to state my opinions – I am still healing, in my own way; and in such I am finding freedom. My venting and typed opinions may not be popular and they may hurt those I care for, but I have a right to speak and vent, and I will, and I will not turn the topic to any particular person or relationship unless it is particularly important to MY moment in time – I need to get by and survive.

I am sorry if how I do it hurts others – it is the way I see. I'm sure it hurts plants and animals to feed on them to live, but it is life. While I do not wish to “feed” on anyone, I may “think” and “say”things in order to make sense of my own life that they do not agree with.

Ten yeas, my readers, ten years! Am I wrong in what I do and in doing it my way if it takes me so long?

Therefore, I am done glorifying and magnifying that woman and that relationship. I am done complaining about it, if I can. Unless she makes a true effort to get back in, I am walking – I don't care what she thinks I said or did. I must find a way to move on, and unless she gives me a SPECIFIC indication of anything or a possibility for an opening (with the stipulation that I can be me and do my thing in the mean time), then I will do my thing.

I am done waiting on her (maybe that is what I did for 10 years)? I am done playing games. I am done hurting. I am done allowing her and the “potential” for a relationship (always open-ended) to influence my thought – I'm done. I am done trying to be friends if we cannot DROP the past. I simply cannot do it – period.

It is ALL ON HER. I am done allowing any of it to be on me. My offer is simple – either say you want something, say you want mere friendship REGARDLESS if I vent and be myself, or say you want no part anymore. Let's get “us” straight – if I am a guy friend I will be a GUY friend, and if I am a lover I will be a lover, there is no in-between. In other words, woman, YOU need to come to terms with how I am and how I do things as a lover, friend or acquaintance, or get out altogether, because I am NOT changing.

You WILL NOT crush me if you say “C-ya.” Know that (We already did that – no more damage could possibly be done, unless I allowed it)! There is no reason but your own to stop you from saying goodbye. I do not wish for you to say goodbye, but I do require you to lay it straight, flat, and ACCEPT how I am if we have any sort of relationship.

With that...this blog is DONE with that particular woman. I will do my best to refrain from speaking about her anymore, because my FREEDOM is not all about her, dealing with our relationship and moving on is only a small portion of MY freedom.

I want to START OVER, with her, if possible, and go from there, DROP the past, and see what happens. I don't "expect" anything – I just want to be granted FREEDOM by her and to grant it to her, and then see if anything ever was or still is. Otherwise, I think it best for us to just walk away, because I NEED SOMETHING, and I will have it.

It is really messed up when two people really did love one another and cannot figure how to deal with it.

Peace.

Alraune

Finally Over That Woman & a Confession of Polyamory

 

It took me nearly fourteen years, lots of tears, and several other women hurt upon the way, but I am over that certain and somewhat "groovy" hippie chick. I am most certain I am not the only one happy to read this!

I loved this woman, or at least I really and truly wanted too. What I now realize is that I loved nothing about her (or almost nothing), but only the things we did together, which means I never truly loved her!

She was and is nearly the exact opposite of me and that fact made for great times and adventures, but was never meant for a lasting relationship, besides...she never was anything I'd call a trophy, especially having experienced other women beyond her who were much more magnificent “to me”. I do not say that to degrade her, but to make the point that she was not meant for me (we each have our own tastes, and I am sure she has her own as well).

I do not hate that woman (this I want to make clear) though at times in our long past I did, and it was because I was not over her despite our having broke up nearly a decade ago now. I realize now that I got over “her” a long time ago, but our time together and memories is what I did not wish to release to the past. She was fun! She was interesting! She pushed me to be me! She was awesome, but she and I are no more, and the woman I knew, or thought I knew is long gone.

She was and is an awesome woman, but she was never for me and she had her purpose for me, and I with her. Goddess did it hurt for so long, but I finally get it – and not like all those times before. This time I really have no feeling when I say goodbye. Perhaps because it has finally been too long, or maybe because I finally get things?

I used to talk to her on social networks, but I cut that off nearly two months ago and I haven't looked back, nor do I intend too. She tried to attack the real me, and that is unacceptable and also very revealing of where we truly stand – we are truly done.

I cannot begin to express to anyone what sort of freedom this is for me. Perhaps part of that freedom is other realizations, but the one which I speak of is very great. I was a slave to her love for quite some time. I even entertained the idea that she had cast a spell on me (having dated two witches after her with whom both relationships failed because of her existence in my life), or that I had cast it on myself.

I really do not know how to express what went on in my head and heart, but I do know two relationships which could have led somewhere and potentially been happy were destroyed because I was not over her. Rest assured, I have no illusions or anything – those relationships are destroyed and will not happen unless some sort of miracle happens (on both ends), so this is no poor plea for their restoration. I am alone and single and pushing 40. Life sucks, but at least I am free from the slavery of love I once felt.

I guess I didn't just have to give up, I had to decide I did not want it!

I now know the liberation she felt in rejecting me. It is somewhat nice to know you never needed someone you honestly thought you needed – to know that whether they were born or died tomorrow it really made no difference in your world other than a few moments.

Don't get me wrong, I am not that shallow and I realize whatever she had to offer to me is part of me forever, but I obviously do not need her anymore, and it is quite probable that I never did and someone else could have done every single thing she ever did for me. She is obviously, as I now realize, not a necessity, nor even any longer a desire. My knowledge tells me she was for me then, but never meant to be forever and certainly never meant to be for longer than she was.

Another thing that kept me “stuck” was children. She helped to raise my daughter and I helped to raise her's, which is something I will never forget, and I could never not love Emily Jo as if she were my own daughter, but still...even that time is past.

I love Emily and always will; in fact, I will always love those whom I had a close contact with, but that does not mean times cannot come and go and also that I cannot feel different about my relationships. Would Emily even recognize me if she saw me? Would I recognize her? What about her and my daughter recognizing one another? If none of us have known one another for a decade or more how can we even know there is anything beyond what there was a decade ago, or, if there is, that it remains as it did then?

The past truly is the past. How do I know I would like what that woman or her daughter became, or that they would like what my daughter or I became? How could any recent love exist, and if it did, how could any believe it would be of the same type or in the same way?

I'd be crazy to think what was is still there, and I no longer even consider that possibility. I have truly and finally snapped out of the irrational and insane concept of unconditional love. It is truly liberating!

I no longer think about contacting her or wondering if she sent me an email – I don't care. In fact I hope she does not ever send me an email again! Why? Because then I know it is done on her end as well. If she speaks to me then I think there is something there, and there is not. It has been so long since I have known her that I cannot even truly call her a friend. What do I know of her but that of years ago?

I'm free! I realize this now, and I hope somehow someone else who is struggling long term to get over another man or woman reads this and comprehends. Did you truly love them, or was it what you did together? There is a huge difference!

I loved hanging out with that woman, going on adventures with her, dreaming dreams, partying, having fun, and seeking pleasure, but that was nearly everything I loved about her. I realize this now after all this time and damage.

I do not blame her but my upbringing and the false concept of absolute love. Yes! I loved her and always will in her time and place, but there always were and always will be many others whom I love in their time and place as well.

So here's to you! I toast you and say “I am glad to say goodbye”. Please do not ever contact me again for anything (even sex – like that time you broke into my home) unless it is truly important. You are good in bed, but you aren't that damn good that I should destroy my potential relationships or life goals for you. And frankly, your sex is the main thing that made me still want you, and when I think about it, Diana was much more fulfilling – though you and I both destroyed that.

Freedom is mostly in your head, but it is also in your heart. Love yourself enough that you can say goodbye to those you think you love and you just might find freedom – that is my advice!

I refuse to burn any bridges and say any further how I feel or what I think, for I may not feel the same or think differently in the very distant future when I am more mature and nearer the end of my life.

I loved you, woman, and I will always love you in our time and in our place, but I was wrong to love you like that all these years and all this time. I betrayed myself and I betrayed others, as a consequence, in loving you like that. Love does not just belong to another (an observer), it also belongs to a time (a space and moment). Do you understand what I am bleeding to you (for I never said our personalities were not real, but rather our subjective observations of them were incorrect)? Do you understand that I believe we are all a part of the Goddess (the All) and that you and I can only therefore see a part of the truth from a small piece of a perspective (in this manifestation and time)?

I can now say with fervor that I am polyamorous, at least in accordance with space and time, for I have loved your equal in another time although I do not see you that way now, nor never envision it again. Do you understand what I am saying? I do not care if you ever felt the same (it does not matter, for love is not necessarily two-way), I felt and feel as such. I love all my loves in accordance with what I shared with them in the most profound way I can on this physical plane. I also love Mom, Dad, Jesse, Mike, Tara, Digger, Danny (and all my close pets), my relatives and ancestors, Quinton, Kim, Trish, Diana, my other good friends such as Steve, Adam, Butch, Steph, Julie, Jimmy, Jimmy and Jimmy, Zach, Robert, Logan, Josh and Josh, Chris, Chris, Kristy, Angie, Jen and almost all I can name from memory in face and name, then those I've worked with, those I only remember a name or face, and those (at all levels of consciousness) whom I have interacted with whom I share some minor bond with (and in whatever order is precise for the moment and time) – I love them in a more spiritual way.

Is this many loves? Yes it is! Am I evil for such? Hell no! Polyamory is REAL and it is right, in my opinion. So there you have it...I can move on from all my past loves and find happiness because I accept the fact that I have many many loves in many many ways in many many spaces and times.

Does no one see the logic in that? The logic in loving many or all you interact with to varying degrees? The logic in embracing it naturally and carrying the same principle to all natural levels?

In any event, polyamory is a human truth, in my opinion, and this is liberation for me – this realization on many levels. I am a lover, so it is hard for me to understand space and time, making my position on love very difficult to discover.

I'm over you, Beautiful. My Love awaits me.

Peace.

Alraune

Update: I removed that certain "groovy" hippie chick's name so as not to offend her. I'm just blowing off steam and sighting personal subjective reasoning – I mean no harm, hate, or rudeness to others. Apparently, "she" is not done with us because she contacted me via email with many complaints. I will try, as a former lover and a good man and friend to work with her and address "her" and "our" concerns. She just needs to understand that I did truly love her and I always will love her. And I am trying to sort that out in my own way.

Freedom: The Hunger Games and the Future

I had been dead set against watching The Hunger Games, as I wondered what the infatuation was with watching children kill one another, but my knowledge of the film's metaphorical meaning intrigued me anyway and so, with much reservation, I rented the film to see what the fuss was about.

For starters, as I had assumed before watching the film, Hollywood, in this day and age, could not resist the chance to show a murdered child dying on screen, and indeed, the viewer will watch at least one child die a very intimate death. However, after having seen the film I do not believe it would have been as effective in its presentation had the scene aforementioned not been included – it is pivotal to one's full emotional understanding of the allegory the movie presents concerning the direction of future society. In other words, I do not believe Hollywood simply included the scene for its “sales” or “shock” value!

The Hunger Games is an allegory concerning the current direction our society, and indeed the direction all of global society, is headed in. Its ending expresses clearly that if one understands the “art of man-herding”, as expressed in Plato's Republic and Statesman, and how society is controlled, then one (through the awakening of many who do likewise and act independently) can alter the course of the game.

You see, all society's are controlled from the top down through manipulation of the mob, or masses, by the “philosopher-kings” who are otherwise known as billionaires and wealthy anthropologists. They control the “play” and each of our “lines” by manipulating the action of the mob (causing us to concede to peer-pressure) and through the direct technical manipulation of both the environment and the regulations involved in “the game” of society. As soon as one is aware of this fact then, if they are intelligent and resourceful enough, they are fully capable of changing their “lines” or otherwise altering the scene and therefore the outcome of the “play”. Should many uprise and do likewise “the game” is then over and we are truly free and no longer controlled.

Life, which very much includes the “art of man-herding”, is a lot like a chess game wherein a “master” attempts to cause the various players to move in accordance with their will in order to achieve the desired outcome of victory. Like chess, the only way to alter the course of “the game” of life is to think outside of the box, refuse to follow the mob, and to create one's own rules by choosing options other than the obvious ones laid out by the opposition.

In other words, what The Hunger Games is trying to say is that if you want to be free (e.g. “live”), then you have to write your own lines and make your own rules – you must act and not react!

I believe each and every one of us on this planet wish to be free. I believe that even those who wish to control us want to be free, but their own fears drive them to control the rest of us as a means to that end. I believe “We, The People”, are capable of being free and that we can and will figure all of this out, individually – I believe. We do not have to follow any one philosophy or anyone's idea – we only need to follow our own belief in our principles.

We must stop voting party lines – they are controlled! Most of us are moderate and we do not want either the extreme right nor the extreme left, but we want something in the middle. Still, we need to understand that the controllers want something in the middle as well (Hegelian Dialectic) and it is that which they are directing us towards, so we must ask: “what are MY principles, and what are those things which have been placed into my head? What do I want? What do I believe in? What do THEY want, and why do THEY want it?”

If you agree with anyone 100% you need to ask yourself where you went wrong! On the other hand you must compromise to get along, but you need to ask yourself: “am I compromising because I think it is the most workable solution for all, or am I compromising because others told me that is the case? Is it what I think, or is it what I have been told to think? Am I truly compromising, am I capable of such, and if so, is it really my own feeling? Where do I stand and what am I willing to give in order to get; furthermore, am I really compromising or am I too in-love with my own idea of what should be to see the points presented by others? Is that stupid redneck or dirty hippy really all that dumb? What is this valuable human being trying to say, why are they trying to say it, and where can I reach a compromise with them? Do I really understand my neighbor and their point of view? Do I think I need to understand my neighbor's point of view in order to reach a reasonable compromise? Must it be my way or the highway, and if so, do I really think that or am I being convinced by someone other than myself that it must be that way? Do I really believe in freedom and the rights of the individual to rule their own life or do I want to control or force others in some way? Where do I really stand?”

If you are incapable of foreseeing a compromise then you have failed yourself in that you are incapable of envisioning a realistic solution, since nature is full of compromise whether you believe it was designed that way or merely an accident – it is the way of nature. How can you hope to succeed against nature and how can you call your ideology “true” if it goes against the only thing we all know to be true in the here and now – nature?

Just remember that compromise is not necessarily agreement, but it may just be the closest you can peacefully come to what YOU think is correct, and after all, isn't peace what we all seek?

Deny what I say – I do not care, but I highly recommend you watch The Hunger Games, if you have not, and see how it speaks to you.

Peace,

Alraune

I Wanna Be Free!

I Wanna Be Free!

A Poem by Alraune

I'm sick of working myself to exhaustion for scraps

I'm sick of it having to be this way

This is not my game, this is someone else's game

I no longer want to play, I no longer will play

To hell with your games and your television and your phones

To hell with your gizmos and gadgets and your worthless devices

To hell with your running water and to hell with your civilization!

Take my “choices” and stick them where the Sun don't shine

Take all your rules and do the same

I have one rule, one law, which is love

Your world does not love, it is incapable of love

This world can't be fixed, it doesn't want to be “fixed”

I don't want to change your world – I'll change mine

Look at them, just look at the people

They are dying, they are dead – you've killed them

The cancers and poisons and stress

Your world did this to them all

Your world, the one you support

The world I am trying so desperately hard to not support

If this is progress I want out, I am out

I will walk away, I am walking away

We don't need to fight your fight and play your game

We can all walk away and watch it fall

That is why the world hates those who hate it...

If we all walked away it would die, and it knows it

We don't need it, all we need is love and what Great Spirit gave us freely

We don't need money and laws of exchange

And damn it! I will prove it.

REVOLUTION! I am on strike against the whole damned system

If it ain't free like me, then I don't want it

I don't give up, I quite the game I recognize is stacked against me

I rebuke the bondage, the slavery, the killing – I rebuke it all

REVOLUTION! I rebuke this gross sin against humanity and life

This civilization doesn't help people or the world – it destroys it

I will not fight it, I will merely walk away, and run if it chases me

Damn every one of you who loves it, you are a curse upon yourself

REVOLUTION! What comes around goes around

All things rise from the dust and it is to dust which all things return

I do not fear quiting the game – I fear a world without love

Damn those who love this world and so hate me, but know it not

Free. What is it to be free?

There is no free if money is required

There is no freedom if we play this game

If you want to be free you have to quit

You must despise this world – this civil-i-zation

It's an idea – just walk away

Ideas cannot be killed or imprisoned

Plan, prepare, learn, and walk away

None of us need it – all we need is love and Mother Nature

All we need is love

This world will try to hold you hostage through those you love

This world holds people hostage through those they love

Don't let it! Find out and help them find out

Let everyone find out on their own which they love more: freedom or the bondage of this world

Let everyone find out if they are really loved – do not fear what you may find

Does love require money? Is love truly free?

Freedom from within breeds freedom from without

I have seen the light! I see the way

You can't kill an idea

Freedom most certainly is free...

Why the Hippie Movement Failed

Why did both the Cynic philosophical movement and the hippie movement (two very similar movements) fail? I believe the answer is that they both failed to clearly convey their message. Certainly a message was received and absorbed by society, but given the nature of the two movements, an absorption of some of their ideals by society would seem to me to speak more of a failure than a success.

The nature of what the two nearly parallel philosophies sought to convey is such an enormous issue—since the two philosophies speak to the entity of society itself—that proper communication of the philosophy to the masses would have been crucial to its success.

Assuredly, both movements were subject to hijacking by various social and political movements almost as soon as they had begun, as this is the case with all grassroots movements and revolutionary philosophies. Specifically in the hippie movement, everyone with an agenda most definitely hopped onboard and implanted their ideals into the movement as if those ideals were somehow compatible with the initial philosophy. For example, certainly no one would dare argue that a true criticism of the nature of society is somehow compatible with an economic or political philosophy, since both economy and governance are two of the pillars of society itself. How could one argue for a new economic or political philosophy and dare criticize the nature of society? That would be like arguing against breast-feeding with the right tit and suggesting the left is somehow more perfect. Indeed, it would have been hypocritical for a hippie who was a true Cynic to attach their self to such things, which would have been in direct opposition to their ideals.

Trying to prevent various groups who each have their own agendas, including other governments, or the powers that be from co-opting any movement has always been a problem for any grassroots movement, and the only answer has always been to guard the movement, which is typically done either through centralized control (a bad idea for a number of reasons) or through a commonly understood philosophical ideal. For numerous reasons, the latter is usually the way it is done (basically because, unlike a man, you cannot kill an idea), but such a method has its weaknesses which are always taken advantage of.

I believe the solution to this notable problem is properly sufficient and efficient communication of the movement's philosophical ideal. Unfortunately, the lack of such communication has always been the downfall of any worthy movement.

By sufficient, I mean that the message should be appealing, desirable, and persuasive, and that it should be delivered in such a manner as to be nearly indestructable or tamper-proof. The goals and ideals of the movement should be presented much like food for the masses. It should look appealing, smell appealing, and if possible taste appealing, so that it is found to be desirable to a large portion of people. Presentation is really everything! For example, if one is criticizing society itself, then it would not only be a good idea to point out the insurmountable problems of society, but to also show, in an attractive manner, the most obvious benefits of the alternative.

Obviously any concepts which are counter to that of society are not going to look very appealing, since all people have been born into and weaned on their society, and it is all they know, so the sufficiency of the message should not only be targetted at making the alternative itself look attractive, but it should also be focused on changing the way the individual and the masses actually perceive their choices. In other words, it needs to be made attractive not only to their eyes, but also the very way in which they think about it must necessarily be transformed, if possible, before the actual perception is even had (making the way things are currently done look ugly helps too).

By efficient it is meant, that the philosophical ideals and/or goals of the movement must be clearly, concisely, and thoroughly expressed in a manner which is unmistakable to the overwhelming majority. By clear it is meant, that one should really have to either go out of their way or be rather dense to miss the point. By concise it is meant, that the message should be wrapped up in as few terms which can be misinterpreted as is possible, and in which the masses can easily understand it. Finally, by thorough it is meant, that not only should the arguments against a particular way of doing things be heard loud and clear, but the alternative should be understood just as clearly, and should be just as readily discernable as any criticism. The message should be capable of delivering the entire desire behind the movement and of bringing it into fruition, from start to finish, in as few words which are able to be misinterpreted as possible, and delivered in such a way as to be most efficient.

Such an efficient delivery requires two tools: individual representation and mass communication. Besides being made to look bad and ultimately falling prey to co-opting, the hippie movement lacked an adequate means by which to communicate its message to the masses. The social order was able to suppress and twist the message because it held a far greater and more efficient means of mass communication in its hands. To get around this, a movement would have to either take advantage of new means of mass communication which are not yet wholly controlled (such as the Worldwide Web currently presents itself) or use as extensive arsenal of tools of mass communication such as books, films, music, art, posters, etc. Something like handing out copies of films in mass would seem the most efficient means by which to deliver a sufficient method in today's world which, unfortunately, was not an option for the 1960s hippie movement.

Unfortunately, another problem which any movement designed to criticize society undoubtedly runs up against is the use of tools which society built in order to aid in the acheivement of its goals. Such a practice is inevitably accused of hypocrasy, but the means by which to counter this accusation is to make clear from the start (perhaps in the original message itself) that in order to free another from their prison one must physically walk into the prison and release their shackles. In other words, if they are imprisoned by the use of indoctrination through mass communication, it is necessary to use such tools of mass communication to initially free them from their indoctrination. You cannot reach out to someone in the virtual reality of the social order unless you go there yourself.

And so, I am convinced that the hippie movement was a failure due to two things: it failed to sufficiently and efficiently convey its message and it was co-opted nearly from the get-go. I am fully convinced that the movement was initially grassroots and uncorrupted, but that it was taken over by extremist elements who had their own political agendas almost as soon as it got rolling, and then it was ultimately squashed by the ruling social order, who, more than likely, were also responsible for the initial co-opting and likely used controlled opposition as a means by which to end a legitimate movement of the people – such is the case throughout history. Afterall, if you make a movement look threatening or unattractive through the use of controlled opposition and mass disinformation before the overwhelming majority are awakened to this new way of viewing things, the people will naturally reject the movement.

If we want to see things change we need to learn to communicate better. We need to become more sufficient and efficient in our messages. We need to jealously guard the core philosophical principles of a genuine grassroots movement. We must understand the political, sociological, psychological, and military tactics which have been used throughout history to crush genuine movements of the people. We must understand what makes our fellow brothers and sisters "tick". We must understand the art of man-herding (as Socrates called it), take tips from past movements, perfect the implementation of centralized leaderless movements (take a tip from the Christians, who's leader was already dead and therefore unable to be killed), insist upon peaceful resistance and study the techniques of individuals such as Ghandi, Christ, Martin Luther King, Jr., Thomas Paine, etc. Because peace, freedom, and brotherly and sisterly love for all mankind is only one well-organized and intelligent communication of an idea away.

No one can fight the system, which is nothing more than an idea itself, in action, unless they fight it with an idea which is also placed into action by the people.

Peace. Alraune.