Grand Ideas

Wow! I have been getting way off track. Not that such was a bad thing, but I need to get back on track lest I faulter and fail. Freedom ain't free, ya know? Or so they say!

I've been kicking around ideas of getting my CDL, mostly because Jen and my good friend Steve both suggested it, but also because it makes sense. I can travel and get paid to do so. It is a way to live within the system and get my way, Certainly I must give concessions this way, but it is a way.

I know it is not what I want to do forever – I want to be free, travel AND make money and exist and thrive on my own or with my team in which I am an equal, not for some company and stock holders. Nor do I want to be constricted by government rules and regulations because I am part of and supporting a system I know and fully believe is broken, corrupt, screwed up to no end and destroying humanity itself.

It's a way, among many to get there, and it may work best for me. I'll have to continue to kick around the idea and see what doors open – that's when I know it is meant to be.

I didn't get anything I truly enjoyed because I went looking and chasing. I got such because a door opened and I walked through.

I see life as this: You see a receptacle and you grab a plug that interests you, you try it. If it works you go, if not you move on. A door opens, you make a choice, and that is that. Free will AND a master plan (someone working behind the scenes).

So what is on my mind? Get a good laptop. Try my hand at microstock photography, continue my efforts at blogging and writing and graphic design and get more serious again. Also try my hand at erotica. AND find a new job to supplement things, including trying a risk-free but sensible and the best option at trucking. I figure it is worth a try. Then learn herbalism and learn it good and go from there.

That's my plan. Plus, get myself a van next year, as I had intended.

I can do all of this while planning and plotting with Jennelle, but I need to stay focused on these things, for they are me.

Also, pursue my mystical and magical and paranormal interests – they are me. Incorporate them into my overall focus and aim somehow.

I have to go there, I have to go now. Life is short and I must stay on task.

I need to find some time to meditate and do spiritual things. I need to get back to my time with the God/dess and think and plot and plan and DO. All I need to do it like before, just set aside and hold to one day a week (a lunar phase), for such things. It makes all the difference.

One cannot sit idly by and wait for the world to become what they wish – they must act, somehow and someway and look for open doors. And you can't act properly or see properly if your head is not screwed on correctly, which is a totally spiritual issue, in my opinion.

You have to remember what means what to you. You have to remember where you came from and where you intend to go. Do you not?


You must be strong and recognize yourself.

Let me say a little of myself. I don't know why, but this comes to mind...

Many say, “the female body is beautiful and best to look at” and I quite agree, but the male body has its own beauty. Study it once. Study it carefully. It is a machine – a powerful machine made to work and war and persevere. It is a beautiful machine, but not a mere mechanical machine, an organic machine of sublime, natural and raw beauty.

Look at the shoulders and the way they are built for power. Look at the hips and buttocks and how they are positioned for explosive power and strength – see how the center of gravity is set perfectly in the male body for how it is made. See the arms, their length and their muscle. See the hands and their power to grasp. Notice the chest muscles and how they are made to push away or lift the body upwards. Study the calf muscles and how they are thick and durable and the shape of the thighs designed to propel the legs and the entire body in any direction.

Study the back. Notice the position of the spine and the muscles which push and pull upon it. Again look at the shoulders and the hips and see how they are built for explosive power.

Then look at the feet and see how well they are made to balance the body they hold up and notice the head which sits atop it all. Look at the skull and how it is made thick and aerodynamic for battle. Notice the nose and the ears and the eyes and how they all sit perfectly, not for beauty, but for the purpose of power, cunning, and battle. How they “fit” for sensory perception in compatibility to the body.

See the intensity of the eyes. Look at the roughness of the skin and its softness which knew no battle. Was this because it fought little or because it fought much and left unscathed?

Study the male body for the beauty it was meant to be studied in. Not for childbirth or attraction to gain it, but for power, protection, and cunning.

I look at my own body and it metaphorically describes me, as I believe all physical bodies metaphorically are the manifestations of the true inner self (good and bad). My body is powerful, extremely powerful, and it comes with an equally powerful mind. I am built to work and war and succeed. When anyone sees me they see my physical power, first. They see how I strive and try and fight and I move forward like a bulldozer and press on and do not cease. Without knowing me they may not see any imagination or thought behind my mechanical being, but they do see the mechanical aspect.

Well, that is my mind and spirit! I move steadily forward and plow over my obstacles without fear or worry that I cannot – I simply do. I may not be invincible, but I know enough to know that I am damn near the fact if I am determined enough. I simply have the mechanics: body, mind, and spirit. I am not to be underestimated – ever. I am a force to be reckoned with, not because I say so, but because I am what I am and I am blessed to be. Look out if I am truly determined and want to do it! Better yet, just get out of the way.

Indeed, the beauty of a man is his machine-like qualities combined with his human emotion. I have these in a very potentiating format. Perhaps that is truly what many recognize in me? I can do it, if I truly want too.

I am not trying to talk myself up – I don't need too. I am trying to make a poetic point. That point is that I can and I will – I just don't know how or when just yet. But I know I will – I know it is already written in me and everyone can see it on the surface. So how much more can they see it if they look beneath?

I guess what I am trying to say is all for me and also for those who need to hear it for themselves. Stay on task, stay on focus. FIGHT! THINK! DO! GET THERE! Count on no one and nothing but you, after all it is your dream and your life. You can share it with others, but it is not truly sharing if it is not your's to begin with. That is why it is important to stay on task and stay focused! You have nothing to share if you have nothing to give, and you have nothing to give if you have nothing of your own.

I think I learned this lesson the hard way when I tried to give all of myself to another and just about destroyed myself doing so. I lost all sense of who I was, which is probably the main thing that went wrong – I will not go there again. I cannot afford too. Where I went was too far. I had the right idea, but all of the wrong conclusions.

There is nothing to share if there is no YOU. That is why it is so important to know who YOU are. Freedom starts with YOU! And relationships are like butterflies and the old saying, “If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is your's, if it does not it never was.” What that means is freedom all around. It means true love is sharing and sharing requires freedom and something that is YOU and only YOU to share with the other.

Relationships die two ways: when we lose ourselves and when we lose the “us” and it becomes all about the self. Simple, straight forward, and quite probably fact.

Just let it be.

Strive to be YOU and share what you have to offer with others. Plain and simple.

Can the key to life be that simple?

Alraune

Finally Over That Woman & a Confession of Polyamory

 

It took me nearly fourteen years, lots of tears, and several other women hurt upon the way, but I am over that certain and somewhat "groovy" hippie chick. I am most certain I am not the only one happy to read this!

I loved this woman, or at least I really and truly wanted too. What I now realize is that I loved nothing about her (or almost nothing), but only the things we did together, which means I never truly loved her!

She was and is nearly the exact opposite of me and that fact made for great times and adventures, but was never meant for a lasting relationship, besides...she never was anything I'd call a trophy, especially having experienced other women beyond her who were much more magnificent “to me”. I do not say that to degrade her, but to make the point that she was not meant for me (we each have our own tastes, and I am sure she has her own as well).

I do not hate that woman (this I want to make clear) though at times in our long past I did, and it was because I was not over her despite our having broke up nearly a decade ago now. I realize now that I got over “her” a long time ago, but our time together and memories is what I did not wish to release to the past. She was fun! She was interesting! She pushed me to be me! She was awesome, but she and I are no more, and the woman I knew, or thought I knew is long gone.

She was and is an awesome woman, but she was never for me and she had her purpose for me, and I with her. Goddess did it hurt for so long, but I finally get it – and not like all those times before. This time I really have no feeling when I say goodbye. Perhaps because it has finally been too long, or maybe because I finally get things?

I used to talk to her on social networks, but I cut that off nearly two months ago and I haven't looked back, nor do I intend too. She tried to attack the real me, and that is unacceptable and also very revealing of where we truly stand – we are truly done.

I cannot begin to express to anyone what sort of freedom this is for me. Perhaps part of that freedom is other realizations, but the one which I speak of is very great. I was a slave to her love for quite some time. I even entertained the idea that she had cast a spell on me (having dated two witches after her with whom both relationships failed because of her existence in my life), or that I had cast it on myself.

I really do not know how to express what went on in my head and heart, but I do know two relationships which could have led somewhere and potentially been happy were destroyed because I was not over her. Rest assured, I have no illusions or anything – those relationships are destroyed and will not happen unless some sort of miracle happens (on both ends), so this is no poor plea for their restoration. I am alone and single and pushing 40. Life sucks, but at least I am free from the slavery of love I once felt.

I guess I didn't just have to give up, I had to decide I did not want it!

I now know the liberation she felt in rejecting me. It is somewhat nice to know you never needed someone you honestly thought you needed – to know that whether they were born or died tomorrow it really made no difference in your world other than a few moments.

Don't get me wrong, I am not that shallow and I realize whatever she had to offer to me is part of me forever, but I obviously do not need her anymore, and it is quite probable that I never did and someone else could have done every single thing she ever did for me. She is obviously, as I now realize, not a necessity, nor even any longer a desire. My knowledge tells me she was for me then, but never meant to be forever and certainly never meant to be for longer than she was.

Another thing that kept me “stuck” was children. She helped to raise my daughter and I helped to raise her's, which is something I will never forget, and I could never not love Emily Jo as if she were my own daughter, but still...even that time is past.

I love Emily and always will; in fact, I will always love those whom I had a close contact with, but that does not mean times cannot come and go and also that I cannot feel different about my relationships. Would Emily even recognize me if she saw me? Would I recognize her? What about her and my daughter recognizing one another? If none of us have known one another for a decade or more how can we even know there is anything beyond what there was a decade ago, or, if there is, that it remains as it did then?

The past truly is the past. How do I know I would like what that woman or her daughter became, or that they would like what my daughter or I became? How could any recent love exist, and if it did, how could any believe it would be of the same type or in the same way?

I'd be crazy to think what was is still there, and I no longer even consider that possibility. I have truly and finally snapped out of the irrational and insane concept of unconditional love. It is truly liberating!

I no longer think about contacting her or wondering if she sent me an email – I don't care. In fact I hope she does not ever send me an email again! Why? Because then I know it is done on her end as well. If she speaks to me then I think there is something there, and there is not. It has been so long since I have known her that I cannot even truly call her a friend. What do I know of her but that of years ago?

I'm free! I realize this now, and I hope somehow someone else who is struggling long term to get over another man or woman reads this and comprehends. Did you truly love them, or was it what you did together? There is a huge difference!

I loved hanging out with that woman, going on adventures with her, dreaming dreams, partying, having fun, and seeking pleasure, but that was nearly everything I loved about her. I realize this now after all this time and damage.

I do not blame her but my upbringing and the false concept of absolute love. Yes! I loved her and always will in her time and place, but there always were and always will be many others whom I love in their time and place as well.

So here's to you! I toast you and say “I am glad to say goodbye”. Please do not ever contact me again for anything (even sex – like that time you broke into my home) unless it is truly important. You are good in bed, but you aren't that damn good that I should destroy my potential relationships or life goals for you. And frankly, your sex is the main thing that made me still want you, and when I think about it, Diana was much more fulfilling – though you and I both destroyed that.

Freedom is mostly in your head, but it is also in your heart. Love yourself enough that you can say goodbye to those you think you love and you just might find freedom – that is my advice!

I refuse to burn any bridges and say any further how I feel or what I think, for I may not feel the same or think differently in the very distant future when I am more mature and nearer the end of my life.

I loved you, woman, and I will always love you in our time and in our place, but I was wrong to love you like that all these years and all this time. I betrayed myself and I betrayed others, as a consequence, in loving you like that. Love does not just belong to another (an observer), it also belongs to a time (a space and moment). Do you understand what I am bleeding to you (for I never said our personalities were not real, but rather our subjective observations of them were incorrect)? Do you understand that I believe we are all a part of the Goddess (the All) and that you and I can only therefore see a part of the truth from a small piece of a perspective (in this manifestation and time)?

I can now say with fervor that I am polyamorous, at least in accordance with space and time, for I have loved your equal in another time although I do not see you that way now, nor never envision it again. Do you understand what I am saying? I do not care if you ever felt the same (it does not matter, for love is not necessarily two-way), I felt and feel as such. I love all my loves in accordance with what I shared with them in the most profound way I can on this physical plane. I also love Mom, Dad, Jesse, Mike, Tara, Digger, Danny (and all my close pets), my relatives and ancestors, Quinton, Kim, Trish, Diana, my other good friends such as Steve, Adam, Butch, Steph, Julie, Jimmy, Jimmy and Jimmy, Zach, Robert, Logan, Josh and Josh, Chris, Chris, Kristy, Angie, Jen and almost all I can name from memory in face and name, then those I've worked with, those I only remember a name or face, and those (at all levels of consciousness) whom I have interacted with whom I share some minor bond with (and in whatever order is precise for the moment and time) – I love them in a more spiritual way.

Is this many loves? Yes it is! Am I evil for such? Hell no! Polyamory is REAL and it is right, in my opinion. So there you have it...I can move on from all my past loves and find happiness because I accept the fact that I have many many loves in many many ways in many many spaces and times.

Does no one see the logic in that? The logic in loving many or all you interact with to varying degrees? The logic in embracing it naturally and carrying the same principle to all natural levels?

In any event, polyamory is a human truth, in my opinion, and this is liberation for me – this realization on many levels. I am a lover, so it is hard for me to understand space and time, making my position on love very difficult to discover.

I'm over you, Beautiful. My Love awaits me.

Peace.

Alraune

Update: I removed that certain "groovy" hippie chick's name so as not to offend her. I'm just blowing off steam and sighting personal subjective reasoning – I mean no harm, hate, or rudeness to others. Apparently, "she" is not done with us because she contacted me via email with many complaints. I will try, as a former lover and a good man and friend to work with her and address "her" and "our" concerns. She just needs to understand that I did truly love her and I always will love her. And I am trying to sort that out in my own way.