Coming to Terms With Sex and Sexuality

I am a sex fiend. I love sex and it is a large part of my life. I am an extremely sexual being and sex plays a major role in many things I do and many thoughts I have. It is not that I only think of sex, but sex and my sexuality play a major role in who I am, what I do, and what I enjoy. Sex is extremely important to me and I have come to terms with this fact.

I was raised to control my sexuality and to suppress it, but I have over the years decided that it is perefectly alright to control my sexuality, but to suppress it is harmful to me and very wrong. I do not believe I should suppress my sexuality, nor will I suppress it any longer where it is not harmful of myself or others.

Sex feels really good and it makes others feel really good. I am aware that some things which feel good can be wrong, but most things which feel good are right, and I think sex, the better part of the time, is one of those things which feels good and is right. I do not think anyone should suppress their sexuality or their sexual urges when they do no harm to them or to others.

I have a collection of pornography magazines and movies and books about sex and sexuality and I keep them hidden away, and I think that is messed up. Why should I have to hide my love for sex and my sexuality from others when it is a good thing and a right thing? Granted, it is not everyone's business, nor do I necessarily want it to be, but why should I feel the need to keep it all hidden away, and why does society teach that it should be hidden away?

Why do we display books that we read and movies that we watch openly in our homes, but we keep certain ones, particularly of the sexual variety, hidden away? Granted, some people and children should not see or read these things, but why do we not treat them as we do dangerous objects or tools? I wonder these things.

Certainly, it would make more for a conversational piece among most people if we openly displayed these things as well, without shame, and without care for what another finds sexually appealing or what another knows concerning such matters. Why do we, as adults, hide away such a major part of our lives?

I know why, yet I question as to whether or not is is right for us all or healthy for a society. Wouldn't we all be much happier if we could be more open about such and if others could catch a glimpse of such? Perhaps not if our families could, particularly of the religious or traditional kind, but among our friends or even many strangers? I wonder these things from time-to-time.

There is excitement in hidden things, but how much fulfillment can be gained from them? Is not fulfillment inter-relational? I think it is, and that is why I always insist on sharing my total and true sexuality with those I love and those whom I am sexually active with. But are we missing out on even more by not being more open around other adults? I wonder this.

Would not our sex lives be more fulfilling if others (perhaps friends, strangers, and certainly spouses) knew what things excite us sexually? Why is it shameful when there is nothing wrong with it?

Maybe I am just sick of the way society tries to hide every little thing and tries to control us all by isolating little pieces of ourselves from everyone else?

Peace,

Alraune

I Deserve Happiness

The other day Jen and I were talking about a campfire (our therapy sessions) and she said something that rang true with me. She said that I am afraid to "hope." She named it! She hit the disease I placed upon myself and all of my luck right on the head!

Once upon a time something happened that made me afraid to hope as I used to, and ever since my luck has been bad. No one cursed me, I hindered myself. I am a "hoper," but something went horribly wrong to distort my gift for hope.

That is why sometimes things go right and sometimes things go wrong that I hope for: I am psychologically making them and hindering them. I am cursing myself, for after all, a curse has no power if you do not make it so yourself!

I have the power of hope and it can both make and break. That one simple statement said so much and ran straight through me. She is so right! I love her so much. Why could no one else tell me this? Why could no one else tell me exactly what I needed to hear? Perhaps it is because she is my hope? Perhaps because I needed her to give me my hope back after I just had a little – a small flower of hope?

Now, certainly life can throw you curveballs, but it cannot break your hope unless you allow it too, and you never quit unless you give-up. I have ben giving up, and I never knew it, for it is totally against my will and my being, and SHE saw it.

She sees my strength. Jen sees how firm I am and all of the strength and energy that radiates through me and she does not wish to devour it, but wishes to make it larger. She is a true love and I deserve her! Damn it! I deserve all of her! I deserve every ounce of this beautiful spirit! I deserve her and I have her, and she deserves me in all I am.

Jen is not too good to be true, she is perfect. Jen is everything I always wanted and everything I could never express that I wanted. True love does exist and I will not be hurt by loving. It is okay to love and okay to hope. Even if she left me tomorrow, she is everything I deserve HERE and NOW. I need her and I love her, and I have hope for her, and I always did.

It is okay. It is okay. It is okay to hope. It is okay to have big dreams and to chase them. It is okay to dare to live and dare to love. It is okay.

"Life sometimes sucks, but it is going to be alright."

You can have the wildest and craziest dreams and "hope" does happen. Life hits you in the face and says, "I am unreal, but I am here."

Jen is something else, and she is living hope. She is my hope and I am her perpetual energy that cannot be contained. I am that energy. I am that something that moves her and propels her along, for some unknown reason. We are hope! God/dess I don't really know what I am saying, but I see it.

All I know is she is right, I became afraid to hope, and it needs to stop! I deseve Jen, she deserves me, and we deserve true and total hapiness – this I know.

Peace,

Alraune

Happy New Year! It is 2014 and the beginning of a new and glorious year. A new year with Jennelle and with love. Let me speak of her again!

She does little things for me, that I do not and would never ask for, like making my cigarettes for the day (I roll my own) or making breakfast, or just a little something to make the day a little better and a little more beautiful and a little less stressful. That is love!

Just when she leaves me a little note, or a simple Post-It Note with a red heart drawn on it...it makes all the difference when that is the very first thing I see when I awake. I almost want to burst into tears thinking about it because it it so valuable and precious to me. It is so beautiful to me that I save every note in a little shoe box as if it were gold. It is gold to me.

Have you ever known this? I have not. And I never want to know what it is like to not have this again, for I know I truly have love. I have a love that wants to do anything, even a little thing, just to brighten every single day of my life. And I want and do the same.

Its been over seven months. It is not infatuation or gross error, it is true love; it is not a lie or a facade, it is truth.

On New Year's, at midnight, we danced and kissed. We played several songs and danced and hugged and kissed. The same love was still there – a love that is different than all others, bigger, and larger, and stronger. I love her for exactly who she is and she loves me for the same.

I want to speak of freedom to you, but I cannot get this woman out of my head, because I love her so much. She is freedom to me – love is freedom. I was so close, yet I could not place what I was whining or venting about.

I'll say it again, it is love. Love is freedom! Love is not a drug, it is anything and everything that makes sense and purpose in life.

You want to be free? First find yourself, then find someone who loves you for you, whom you love for who they are. Sound difficult? I think it just happens, eventually, when you set out to truly find yourself and BE yourself.

And do not FEAR. For who says it needs to be here or there? This or that? Let love be what it is, when it is, and let time do it's thing. If you walk into love with this attitude, you can survive its might and take full advantage of it, without fear. Just let it be what it is, when it is, and allow it to travel it's course. Just let Love be.

Maybe it is when we try to control love and capture it in some sort of bottle that it dies?

Jen speaks of appreciation, and perhaps that is something huge to her. Me? It is something deeper. It is not appreciation, but desire to make another happy and better. It is a desire to do anything and everything you can, even the little things, to make the life of the one you love just a little bit better – one day at a time. Maybe you could call that appreciation, but I call it love!

Love is not just someone to lean on, but someone who will lift you up both when you are down and even before you have a chance to fall – because they give a damn. It is a heart that is always there, waiting and watching and caring. It is a heart that is so taken by what you give that it would give all it can just to keep what you give effortlessly, out of pure natural love and affection.

Jen is my “trip”. I am tripping for her and I am high as a kite. She is still here and still in love and has seen just about all there is to see. Really the only thing left to see is when I truly lose my temper (which is few and far between) and the playing out of my sexual fantasies (which I am fairly certain she would be more than for).

So what do I mean? Well...sometimes I lose my temper (long fuse, explosive anger) and she has not seen me truly lose it yet (it has scared the shit out of all who have seen it – including me), but I do not see that as a problem as I only lose my temper when it matters and counts and she is one who understands. Maybe she will fully understand? Maybe it will turn her on? Maybe it will be no big deal to her? Maybe I'll never have to go there again?

And what do I mean by sexual fantasies? I am bisexual and quite open when asked, yet understanding and considerate of those I love. Maybe that will bug her one day? Maybe some day I will feel more on the bisexual side and she will catch me watching porn she doesn't feel comfortable with or something? I don't know. She is bisexual as well, so I don't see how, but it could be. Maybe she just won't be capable of figuring out how to handle a man who has my sexual drive and orientation?

Don't get me wrong. I can be monogamous, but it does not change what turns me on.

And this is all part of freedom and knowing the self and having love; it is a complicated thing. Love kind of rises above this all and makes everything alright. Love understands on both sides and finds a way Love transcends!

Granted, she has many desires and infatuations that definitely appeal to me (although she only dances around them), so as I said...I am actually quite positive in thought about the sexual fantasy department – I think she wants to go places that would help to fulfill a bisexual guy anyway.

Let me put that last part this way... I ask myself, being bisexual myself, what it is this woman desires and what is all that I can give to fulfill those needs and desires? I obviously cannot be a woman, but what is it that both men and women can give her that I can give? So I give her emotional support and masculine strength and love and I go down on her often – I give the best I can to capture all worlds. I know I can never be a substitute for all longings, but I can be the best thing across the board – the best love. I know I can compete in that arena and I can be me. And I am open enough for her to come to if the longings to play out her sexuality are too strong. I won't and don't care, so long as my body, health, mind, and heart are considered in the equation – I demand her freedom.

Is it wrong for me to do so? I don't think so. And maybe I should say such more? Or maybe I should keep my mouth shut and love as I do? Or maybe we both should run amuck and do our thing? I honestly do not know. I am honestly new to loving and not giving a shit as to what I WANT to be projected onto the other (non-freedom). I am still trying to figure out just how to let the other be FREE and be their self and still LOVE them.

Anyway...happy 2014 and happy love! Live your life FREE and with PEACE and LOVE! Be satisfied and feekl wanted and appreciated.

Blessings,

Alraune

P.S. Jen is right. There is lot's of love in this house. That is why I am still here and why I am who I am. But love does not come without pain, and there is tons of hurt, but love conquers all, and the hurt only makes the love stronger.

I am deadly dangerous not because I went to bodyguard school, but because I love. The most dangerous man is not one who has nothing to care for, but one who has everything to care for. It is impossible to defeat a man or woman who has everything to lose with the strength of any army or weapon of the world, for love conquers all... Love will always find a way!

Love and Freedom

It's been precisely one hundred twelve days since I began seeing Jennelle, and I am mad, mad, mad, crazy in love with her. And I realize something – love is freedom. You could be bound up, twisted up, beaten, cold, and with all odds against you, but if you have love...you have freedom and you have hope.

That's it! That's what I've always loved and always missed about loving another – it is the power of it and the fact that it cannot just make the impossible seem possible, but all things possible. Love does things to your mind, your heart, and every ounce of your being – it changes you. It is magic in that it can alter your perceptions and change your mind and your heart and thus change everything. Love gives you hope, belief, strength, and literally everything.

Everything is possible to those who believe, and love makes you believe. Love can imprison and set free, but when it leaves you wounded it will always come around and mend the pieces which cannot be fixed by time – the pieces of yourself which are missing without someone to love.

The song "The Rose" by Conway Twitty perfectly encapsulates what love is and what it means to me. The song goes through all the stages of love and it is all about the power of love and the freedom it can take away through it's pain as well as the intense mind-blowing freedom it has to give by unleashing its power.

When I spent that first night with Jennelle up on Shade Mountain we were sitting there talking and telling stories. I found a small flower (really, it was teeny tiny) and I gave it to her. It was a symbolic gesture on my part. I can't remember if I handed it to her or threw it at her – that is how much of a conscious gesture of symbolism it was at the time, but that flower is not the point, it is that moment. I planted a very very small seed on the top of that mountain, a seed of life and freedom and peace and happiness. The song "The Rose" really fits that moment because it tells the story of everything that was in me at that moment and everything I had to give which was hidden away but dying to come out.

I found a little more of the freedom I have been longing for by finding Jennelle. I can't explain it and I am trying too. As the song says, I will not be "the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live." I want to live and I want to love! I can't be free if I cannot love, and love like I want to because loving is a part of me.

And my Goddess the liberty in it all! It just makes me hear music and beauty everywhere! A thousand songs run through my mind at once: "Sugar Magnolia" by the Grateful Dead, "Somebody Like You" by Keith Urban, "Good Lovin'" by the Grateful Dead, "Woman" by John Lennon, "Your Man" by Josh Turner, "Hangin' By A Moment" by Lifehouse, "Believe" by Lenny Kravitz, "4th of July" by Shooter Jennings, "When It's Love" by Van Halen, "Happy Together" by The Turtles, "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company, "Is this Love" by Bob Marley & the Wailers, and dozens upon dozens upon dozens of others.

It just feels good to feel this good for this long, and to know that I am more alive and more free than ever before.

Words cannot describe.

Peace,

Alraune

75 Days Later

I am a happy soul and a happy man. It is great to be in love again. Every time I try to love deeper, better, with more thought, more feeling, and more depth of thought and balance in case it works or it does not. Certainly there is no rationale to what is called love, but it sure as hell feels rational when living in that moment. I think this time I may have found a woman who is near my mentality and intellectual as well as emotional level when it comes to actually building something, working together, and going forward.

She seems to be very truthful when she says it is not all about sex, but then again, so have others. A certain ex-girlfriend is correct about me and I have to watch for it and be weary – I am intense. When I fall into love I come on as intense physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and it can quickly swallow a soul and make them lose track of the deeper me which they may or may not love, especially if they needed such intensity at that particular moment in their life. I'd be lying if I said I did not worry about this.

And it is not all the woman. I too play a part and get swallowed by the intensity of it all, perhaps sometimes more so than they. That is the price one must pay for having a soul and being capable of emotion and empathy for others. I think I have learned a few things along the way though and I have hope this time, and each time. Many women I have loved and dated have wanted a man who is the perfect balance (perfect for them, that is) between a man who is manly, powerful, strong, skillful and forceful and a man who is open, communicative, social, empathizing, caring, kind, and deep (to name a few important traits). Thankfully, I walk that fine line and always have, which is probably why I am found attractive by the women I have known and some I have not. I have learned this and in my maturity I am learning to refine it and be better at it in all arenas.

Naturally, I am and will just be myself, but I am constantly seeking to improve upon myself so long as it is truly me. So far the man I have become seems to be something Jennelle greatly enjoys, and that makes me very happy.

On the 44th day we both said we loved one another, and this time...different than all others...she said it first. I could see in her eyes that she truly meant it, at least at that moment, and so I kissed her and held her deeply. That moment is all I ever wanted in my life – that moment!

Jen is everything I ever dreamed of. I thank the God/dess for her and resign myself to be thankful no matter how long it lasts, but to wish it to last forever. She is beautiful, she is strong, she is smart, she is inquisitive, she is child-like...she actually “gets me” and does not see any part of me as insane, but knows exactly what is going on in my head and my heart. She sees right through me, and like she said to me, I feel naked around her, but it is alright. I don't think any love truly exists unless both feel completely comfortable and naked around one another.

Her life has become better since she met me and I view that as a gift and confirmation from above. She has a better job and a better life ahead of her. All is going well for her, and she says, “you're next.” THAT is why I love her! She is silently aching inside to see the same fate befall me, as I have always done for her. She is my mirror, as she says I am to her.

She says she has never been loved like I love her, and by God/dess I will not allow her to ever think otherwise! I want to love her like no one ever has and no one ever will, and I want to because I need too. But not too much at once...I must savor it, allow her to soak it up, and move slowly but steadily and with equal fervor along the entire length.

I will not allow anything to ruin that love. I do not expect her to be perfect. I do not expect her to never go astray (though I have a feeling she is much less likely than any other). I don't expect anything from her other than she expect from me what I have always done and always will do for her. If I can do that and be me and true to myself, then I know I will have her forever. If she can do that, then we shall be forever.

I sometimes wonder if I had met her before. Perhaps in a bar some time when she was hanging with Julie? Perhaps I was with Kim at the time or just hanging with some friends, or maybe I was alone and in my head? I sometimes get the feeling I did, but did not recognize, and I certainly do not remember. Needless to say, she was always no more than three degrees of separation away, we just never knew it.

In any event, I am beginning to feel I have found what Daryle Singletary called “that Amen kind of love,” and I am thankful to Freya for it. It is not me rebounding or anything. I had purposefully ceased dating for some six years. It took me that long to get over my past loves, find myself, and grow. No past love would recognize the true me any longer, but that does not matter...who I am now was not meant for them, it was meant for this moment now. They were meant to help bring me here. I will always love them in their moment and time, and I have told Jennelle this. She agrees this is right!

Jen has met my parents and my daughter. They all like her. I have met her parents and some of her other family. They all like me, including her father, who is apparently a hard case but somehow he took to me. Her family is actually a lot like my own, more so than the family of any other I have ever known (nothing against those wonderful families, but there is more similarity here).

Jen makes me feel like getting of my ass, which is how I feel about my life myself – another area of compatibility. She worries about my happiness and my health. She actually and truly cares about me. Thank you God/dess!

We both have a thing for the forest and camping and more than a dozen times we have run off into the forest just to get naked and frolic. We both love good cooking and good eats and it all goes right along with everything else we do. She is truthfully my kind of woman. Neither of us leads and neither of us follows.

I don't know what I did to make her love me. Perhaps I will ask her? But I am glad I did it. The past 75 days have been wonderful, fulfilling, youthful, and sublime. I think I will go ask her now. We talk like that.

May you find your love,

Alraune

A New Love

I haven't written for awhile and that reason is: a woman – Jen. She is incredible and I thank the Goddess Freya for her. Our first date was camping and I couldn't have possibly asked for more. I spent 9 straight hours talking to her before I even kissed her (this is my way), and she is madly deeply into me, as I am her.

She is 21 days older than me and a near mirror of myself. She is crazy (in a good kind of way), highly sexual (and very good at it) – the best ever (and I didn't think that could be topped), highly intelligent, an awesome cook (specifically on a campfire), crazy about the natural (she even likes camping nude), into mythology (specifically Celtic and Norse/Germanic), loves fantasy novels, and is cool with me as me all the way from the skin to the bone and spirit. Mere words cannot describe how incredibly perfect she is!

The Goddess Freya shines down upon us (in more ways than one) and there are so many confirmations it is bizarre. Neither of us dare not say it at this time (we are too old and too wise to say such after a mere 27 days), but we are falling in love.

I wonder where she has been my whole life, but I know it was not meant for then, but for now.

We work together and we work great together – we know this. If that is not a firm foundation, then there is none (in my mind). I love this woman, and I did not think I would ever love again...

We just spent an entire week together camping (without pants) and it was the greatest and most fulfilling week of my life. I did not think this woman existed! And I can tell – she is not fake. Words cannot describe the happiness she brings, and I am content just knowing I have her NOW. For the first time in so long (too long) I think of nothing but her.

I am overjoyed with her in my life. I thank the Goddess for her, and for the first time in a long time I can say again, “I never want to die” - not as in “me”, but as in “us”. I feel complete. I don't know what to say – I am exceedingly happy, and I thank the Goddess for her.

Thank you Goddess for giving me Jennelle. Thank you so much! Even my daughter's face shines upon us just as the Sun's rays shined upon her beautiful body dripping dry and the Moon shined upon us every night we made love.

Words cannot describe my happiness – I am healed.

Peace.

Alraune

The Plan as it Stands

I cannot set my daughter up for life – it ain't happening unless I get real lucky or work something out in the future, so that is OUT. The best I can do is make sure she does not have to pay for my burial and monument, one day – I hope to remedy this.

Otherwise, I will continue to find as many ways as possible to make passive income and forms of direct income I find desirable.

I am still on to the idea of a converted van/bus (specifically if I wish to stay in the area during winter), but I am thinking of a motorcycle as well. Originally my idea for a back-up was a bicycle, but I am now thinking motorcycle.

In either event, I will try to start attending more free concerts and more pagan festivals, which are local. I may even try to get involved with local pagans/heathens. The time is nearing and I am more concerned than ever about my potential choices.

Owning land is still not out (I am open to all possibilities), but it is a long shot and therefore, not anywhere near my high priority list in planning, but it is always an option. I am focusing much more on migration though, because even if I do own land, I will likely travel quite often – the land would ultimately be for my daughter and the public (in my mind).

I don't just want freedom, I want to show others how to attain it, if I am successful, or even near successful. Nothing is always all about me. I am merely struggling for a way to be free, live free, and teach freedom as I found it.

I need to know myself, my skills, my geographic resources, and make as many relationships as possible – this is the key, in my mind. I despise work, but it is an almost inevitable statistical fact, so it is more about what I want than IF I will do this thing or that.

I am also lonely, but I do not need to look to the past or any particular “preconceived notion” to remedy this – I just need be myself and “try” to interact with others. I've done it many times before and it has worked – being myself is always best. Even if I am getting older I must remember that I am still as desirable as I was, just older and therefore more appealing to the older and more mature, just as I was in my youth.

My loneliness is mostly my fault – taking way too much time off for myself, but I needed too. I have taken the time to know myself, which makes me much more stable for another, even if my ways are much less than stable – it is something.

So, I am still on track, with minor adjustments, and willing to open up a bit more, to make some relationships and see what happens.

The road is long with many winding turns, but a sound mind, a decent spirit, and a good map and compass (plan), make for an excellent adventure.

Peace.

Alraune

Straightening This Blog Out

Lately, this blog has become about a certain woman, and it is definitely NOT intended for that. While I will always hold all of my past loves in high regard, this blog is about ME, MY take on relationships, and about freedom, and I will not allow myself to stray from that.

I fell away from my goal for the same reason I had to state my opinions – I am still healing, in my own way; and in such I am finding freedom. My venting and typed opinions may not be popular and they may hurt those I care for, but I have a right to speak and vent, and I will, and I will not turn the topic to any particular person or relationship unless it is particularly important to MY moment in time – I need to get by and survive.

I am sorry if how I do it hurts others – it is the way I see. I'm sure it hurts plants and animals to feed on them to live, but it is life. While I do not wish to “feed” on anyone, I may “think” and “say”things in order to make sense of my own life that they do not agree with.

Ten yeas, my readers, ten years! Am I wrong in what I do and in doing it my way if it takes me so long?

Therefore, I am done glorifying and magnifying that woman and that relationship. I am done complaining about it, if I can. Unless she makes a true effort to get back in, I am walking – I don't care what she thinks I said or did. I must find a way to move on, and unless she gives me a SPECIFIC indication of anything or a possibility for an opening (with the stipulation that I can be me and do my thing in the mean time), then I will do my thing.

I am done waiting on her (maybe that is what I did for 10 years)? I am done playing games. I am done hurting. I am done allowing her and the “potential” for a relationship (always open-ended) to influence my thought – I'm done. I am done trying to be friends if we cannot DROP the past. I simply cannot do it – period.

It is ALL ON HER. I am done allowing any of it to be on me. My offer is simple – either say you want something, say you want mere friendship REGARDLESS if I vent and be myself, or say you want no part anymore. Let's get “us” straight – if I am a guy friend I will be a GUY friend, and if I am a lover I will be a lover, there is no in-between. In other words, woman, YOU need to come to terms with how I am and how I do things as a lover, friend or acquaintance, or get out altogether, because I am NOT changing.

You WILL NOT crush me if you say “C-ya.” Know that (We already did that – no more damage could possibly be done, unless I allowed it)! There is no reason but your own to stop you from saying goodbye. I do not wish for you to say goodbye, but I do require you to lay it straight, flat, and ACCEPT how I am if we have any sort of relationship.

With that...this blog is DONE with that particular woman. I will do my best to refrain from speaking about her anymore, because my FREEDOM is not all about her, dealing with our relationship and moving on is only a small portion of MY freedom.

I want to START OVER, with her, if possible, and go from there, DROP the past, and see what happens. I don't "expect" anything – I just want to be granted FREEDOM by her and to grant it to her, and then see if anything ever was or still is. Otherwise, I think it best for us to just walk away, because I NEED SOMETHING, and I will have it.

It is really messed up when two people really did love one another and cannot figure how to deal with it.

Peace.

Alraune

Speaking Truth Concerning Relationships and Confessing Wrongs

Recently a certain groovy hippie chick replied to some of my blog posts. She was rather upset and thinks I am even more scummy than she did, so I want to throw some TRUTH out to place reality where it should land.

Remember, you screwed around FIRST. You made the first choice, you slept with another person WHILE still in an intimate and sexual relationship FIRST, and YOU set that stage in our relationship in motion – it was YOU, not me.

So yes, “I did do some of the things I did AFTER we broke up.” I did some pretty scummy things to you at that time, AFTER you devastated me. I also did some pretty scummy things to other women and even just some friends AFTERWARDS because I was experimenting and working through my problems.

You probably HATE me (not to mention a certain other woman hates me) because it is true that I had sex with her and then returned home to have sex with you, and I “did” get a kick out of that. Are you going to tell me you didn't get a kick out of the things you did? Is it somehow better that I don't know the details of some of those excursions? So how am I any more “scummy?”

Then you complain about me saying things in blogs. Would you rather I hid my feelings and my actions from you? Is that really what this is all about? Is it somehow BETTER if neither of us KNOW the TRUTH or hear a little venting? Why are you reading my blogs anyway, if I am such an ass?

Why am I so wrong? Better yet, how am I more wrong than you? I guess that is my real question - “How am I more wrong than you, and how could you possibly expect me to be better? By what right could you expect me to be better or even equal to how you view yourself?”

I did some horrible things to hurt you, but I also did some awesome things to love you. All you see is what makes me WRONG (or wrong to you). Is it any wonder I am frustrated in trying to even get along with you?

So what if I said you weren't a “trophy.” Do you even know what I mean by that? Furthermore, do you really think you are the best I could ever have, and do you really think I have those thoughts stuck in my head? Certainly I am not the best for you because we ARE NOT, so why do you frown upon me acknowledging YOU may not be the best for me?

Do you even remember one of the positive things I stated?

Ok. I essentially called you a couch potato and said we differed in our preferences for lounging around, generally living, having fun, and viewing/trusting the socio-political world. I said this proved we never really knew one another. The horror! So you think I am wrong and “I thought it;” I am such a dick!

When I think about it, I think it is the fact that I MUST state the TRUTH, some hurtful lies, and vent out loud and openly, which “she” has the greatest problem with. I cannot help it though – it is me. Certainly, she can't be that upset about all else. We shared our bed with others when together, and unless she is mentally ill she KNOWS I was with at least two separate women in separate relationships (after we broke up), and having intimate relations with them, while I was with her. And she'd be a fool to think I did not fulfill “odd” fantasies when afforded the opportunity. I really don't think she is that stupid, so it must be my words which BURN HER the most.

She does not like my words and “open” discussion of what she feels only we should discuss, she does not like my “out loud” vents and current thoughts, especially if they happen to hurt, and she does not like me pointing out the obvious truth and/or hypocrisy. In other words, she doesn't like how I handle things. Tough.

Look, either try to read my stuff “outside of yourself” or just forget it – because OUR relationship isn't all about YOU – I was there too. We both did scummy things, at least if we hold to what I personally now believe is a FALSE concept of monogamy and we believe the b.s. that a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP is perfect if it is TRUE. You will never “get me” or anything I say if you hold to a Christian worldview, which means some deeply engraved things you never even thought about (you learned them from our society) and you probably don't want to think about – it effects the comfort zone.

Ooh wow! I said we probably never knew each other, we weren't meant to be, and we had differing opinions that I found difficult. The horror! I said you weren't the BEST! How horrible! Well, if you really gave a shit about “being the BEST” you'd try to be it and you'd try to honestly make my true thoughts CHANGE so that I would express such (if you were to be MY best), but instead you get pissed for me saying what I think. Yeah, you were the BEST in some arenas, but you weren't the all-around best, and I KNOW I was not either, or I'd still be there – wouldn't I? So what is your problem?

Really... the more I think of it the more I think WTF? You aren't keeping me on a string, woman. I'm better than that! If you want anything to do with me you need to do it in accordance with who I am. You need to learn to accept how I deal or debate it logically, because this appeal to emotion shit ain't cutting it anymore. I WILL NOT do it! I know where my feelings stand and I know what I want and what I would like to see, but I WILL NOT waiver – this understanding MUST be part of accepting me. I cannot learn to “get along” with you if you will not accept this, and I fully understand the consequences – but that's the absolute TRUTH to me.

If you want to walk away this is your chance. If you want a friendship, then I suggest you take some time to yourself and sort that out and figure how you can do YOUR THING with me doing mine. I ain't joking, woman. I am old and tired. This IS the best “bridge” I can build for us, anymore – it is it. I don't hate you – I love you, but I need to make peace within myself. If for some reason you wanted something or an opening it is still there in what I offer, but I am laying down my ground rules. I am OVER YOU in that you are a love in a specific space and time. If you want active friendship, then you need to DEAL with what it entails.

I am not joking. I am not just talking or venting in this instance – I am laying it STRAIGHT. This is it. Take it or leave it. And this is not like your ultimatum over Diana – this is REALLY it, so speak and act carefully. As a matter of fact, it appears to me THAT was really it (between us, in that sort of a relationship – or so you mentioned), so you should KNOW what I mean then. I'm not “bluffing” - I am telling you how I really feel and what I really think.

You know? Why am I even bothering? Why am I even responding? Why do I even give a damn if I am the scummy guy she is making me feel I am? Why did I even bother reaching out or altering my original posts? WTF is wrong with me? Am I THAT easily controlled and screwed with? Why do I “care?” if I am everything she claims I am and if she is truly “devastated?” What kind of “sucker” am I? Why try at all? It makes no sense, if she is CORRECT, so what does that mean? I know what it means, but let her do her thing and believe her thing. Why did I even bother answering the email? I'm an ass and I say mean things, right? I ought to be ashamed, right? But “why” would I be, if I am all those things she thinks I am? Why would I even respond and attempt to explain a thing? Why would I even try if she is RIGHT in the things she thinks are TRUE of me?

I'm done with this b.s. I KNOW my truth. I can live with it. I'm done trying to point out the obvious as well. I'm done – I've done all a guy can do. Harp on those mean things I say, take them personally, and do your thing. Just take time off, if you need to, and reevaluate, or do whatever. We are at our last chance to reevaluate things and go from there, from a base, a non intimate base – and that is my last effort. I have nothing more to offer to try to salvage anything.

If you want “friend” Jeff, you can have “friend” Jeff, and even with the stipulation we never speak of the past (I'll make that final concession), but if you can't live with just that, then you need to figure out what to do. You also need to accept that “friends” bitch, vent, and say things friends do, even about YOU – at least that is how GUYS do it, or at least “I” do. I know because you are not my only “ex girlfriend.” I've done this before.

That has the potential to build or destroy a relationship, and that toughness is what a true relationship is made of – I know because I've done it. Granted, I have a daughter (a common love) to keep the peace, but I would think any real love that existed could be just as strong. It doesn't mean you would be relegated to the status in which I view the mother of my daughter, but I do mean you and I need to learn to get along at least that well. We also do have children in our equation.

I am really done, woman. By that I mean I am done fighting and I am done with the past. Let's either try something entirely new and see where that goes or forget it altogether. We are BOTH scum when looking back at what we did to one another, so if anything is to be left – let's be honest and open with one another and try to leave the past where it is. It is there, but it isn't now, at least I don't think so – I don't know how you rationalize things.

You said, “I hope I ain't putting my foot in my mouth, but I want...” Ok. I agree. Let's try that, or forget it altogether. One or the other. If I can wait so many years to do what I WILL do in just a few (my dream trip), do you think I cannot walk away from us and live just fine? In other words, if that is what you truly want but do not know how to do, then do it? – this is also your chance for that.

I so much do not say that to burn you, but to stress my point – I WILL BE FREE regardless of anyone or anything because it is what I want most, which means I WILL be me and I WILL live accordingly. Excuse me a second...

Ok, I just got done explaining to my daughter that she was born with an antenna and a tail, just like her mother! I told her that her mother's tail was 40 feet long and they removed it at birth. Guess what? She KNOWS I am full of crap! My kid gets me. Thank God/dess she gets me!

I say things to make people “feel” better (or laugh), including myself, but sometimes it backfires and hurts people or is heard by the wrong person. Sometimes I use my gift for all the wrong reasons and set out to hurt others, but it is ME. I may mumble, but I am damn good with words when I want to be, and I certainly know how to make people laugh their asses off! I “act” completely ape shit crazy many times just to give people something, to give them “something” to hold on to life. I am a spark or a flame in the lives of many. Maybe you don't like the spark I am giving you? Her mother would probably wonder “on her own subjective level” why I chose her? Many individuals, particularly mothers may find what I said to my daughter particularly evil or wrong, but YOU know I meant it in the best way. I just wanted my daughter to laugh – I knew she knew better. So what if I picked on her mom a little? If she doesn't care and doesn't take it that way, then why should anyone else? She KNOWS we both love her and that I encourage love between us all (her mother, me, and her). She KNOWS, and my past actions have SHOWN, that I love us all and I respect us all.

Can't you see? I don't always say what I mean – I express myself and let it at that. I don't know how else to lay it down. I don't know what else to say. I know how to use words, I know how to make people happy, and unfortunately I also know how to make them sad or upset – I am damn good at it! I am offering a potential solution for us to get back on the right track and learn to get along again – a simple distant friendship with a stipulation that the past is omitted – that is the BEST I can do. Take it or leave it.

I do not always believe everything I say or write, nor do my actions necessarily always prove my words. The best way to judge me is by what I DO, not what I say. I am a lover AND a fighter – remember: I “faint” as well as strike, and sometimes what I “say” is designed to keep the eye in one place while what I “do” (or feel or think) is unseen. If you were a fighter, as well, you'd know to READ BETWEEN THE LINES to see what is really going on. Sometimes all it is is a way to keep going and stay in the fight. There is no good “fighter” who does not use their head more than their body - to think so is sure failure. The TRUTH is always hidden between the lines.

I am fighting to keep my head afloat and my heart alive. I don't expect anyone to understand that but me. You do your thing and react however you feel is appropriate – I WILL live either way. I'm not saying I will be happy if we are done for good, but I will live, I will “get by”, and I will move on regardless. At this point it does not matter to me anymore (because I am too tired and too old and too lonely), but I was under the impression that that was what you wanted all along anyway – me to “get back to me and live life.”

Woman...you moved me, but now I am “here.” Ponder that for an instant.

Peace.

Alraune

A Final Word and Message to a Beautiful and Groovy Hippie Chick

I will always love you above and beyond all else in “our” time and place – that was relationship and it was awesome. Please do not hate me for making my own reasons and understandings of it in the now. Let me reason it and have no fear or worry – I will always love you – trust what we felt and had. My own subjective reasons mean nothing beyond me – they are mine.

Don't you understand? “We” had one another for the time we did and NOTHING can take that away? There is no power which can erase that! So just let me run my mouth and move on. Its not even the end, there is no end, and if either of us have any feelings of keeping a “bridge” open it will always be – neither of us or anyone could stop that. If the “love” was true there is nothing to worry about or bitch about. Let each one of us deal with our past “relationship” in our own way – words and reasons mean nothing in that arena. Can't you understand that?

I do not mean to hurt you – I mean to fix me and vent. Maybe you should read my thoughts and words more as 10 years from the fact and not like they are yesterday? Maybe you should account for my “time off” and my thinking? And maybe you should not try to correct me or argue my thinking, but just say your own thoughts?

It is nothing against you to say we were never meant to be – it is an empirical FACT of this space and time. Are we in a relationship which is close? No! FACT proven.

Perhaps you cannot understand me if you do not know from whence I come on a foundational level? Ok. If you truly give a rat's ass and want to know, don't ask me. Acquire five books and read them from cover to cover, then you'll understand from whence I come, otherwise, don't “act” like you know – people change. The five books are: Radical Nature and Radical Knowing by Christian De Quincy, The Cosmic Serpent and DNA and Intelligence in Nature by Jeremy Narby, and Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. These books, among other thoughts, helped me understand and helped me properly deal with things. I may not express such understanding to your liking, but these books are a core to my philosophical and spiritual beliefs. I especially recommend you read them all for yourself, but if you want to understand a hair of where I come from after all of these years they'd give you the general idea.

If you don't want to acquire them and read them, then frankly you don't want to know “me” and where I am coming from too badly – FACT. Let it rest at that then! I'm sorry, but to suggest such is the quickest and best way to explain myself.

As far as Emily goes... I have “faith” in her and do not think she would “flip” if she read my words, but would rather seek to understand them. If I did any sort of good job helping to raise her and she truly feels that, then my words are nothing more than that – my actions proved themselves. If I did anything right with her, or you did, then she should be capable of reading between the lines rather than just the lines. If all she “sees” are words, then we both FAILED her.

Next, the stuff you read in the notebook. They hurt you, 'yes'? I accomplished my mission at the time. Those words were designed to hurt and fuck with you for a long time. I cannot take them back, or the fact I left them where I knew you would find them, or obviously convince you I set you up to read them (unless you admit I am that smart, dubious, and sometimes evil) – which I don't see you or anyone admitting (most like to view me as inferior or close-to-equal in intelligence for whatever reason). However, you discovered NOTHING I did not wish for you to discover. I have always told you that and I will stick by it.

The words in that notebook did have some facts involved to make them believable, but I still maintain I made the best story I could to drive you away and hurt you (even if I tried to make some of it real so it was believable). You may know how to make a guy “not believe” when it suits your needs, but I sure know how to make any woman “believe: when it suits mine. You wanted a choice, and I wanted some sort of freedom. I chose to try to drive you away and I did quite well. I apologize for hurting you and I expect no forgiveness – I did what I apparently desired.

That's my story on that, it always has been, and always will be, because it is the absolute TRUTH. So please don't bring up that anymore! “Yes”, I was with Diana and you at the same time in an intimate way – you knew that – get over it. The rest was a lie designed to hurt you, with that obvious truth tacked on, and you bought it. Maybe you wanted to buy it? Maybe you were also seeking a reason for your thoughts and feelings? Maybe that is why you will not let it go and keep bringing that up? Maybe you actually want to believe all you read? Maybe I was counting on that?

If I succeeded in “mind-screwing” you to get even for the perceived “mind-screw” you did to me, then maybe I actually did what I intended at the time? Am I proud of it? No! Was it right? Probably not. I really struggle to say much more. I guess I did such a god job I can't erase or fix what I did. “Good then,” at least I know I can control how I am perceived enough to gain freedom from the love I feel if I need too. I guess I only wish I was better at it and less destructive to others. I knew then, and I hate now, that I was doing such a good job.

Yes! I did do that one thing, at least, and have sex with Diana in that way and then have sex with you in a specific 'nother way. That is 100% true. But let me ask you... “If you knew I was with her and you, did you not expect some sort of 'supposedly sick' fantasy to play its part?” Am I to believe you “got nothing” out of screwing around with me and Jimmy or whoever in the same day, same bed, same manner, or whatever? Am I t believe you tried to distinguish in some way or another and not have some sort of weird fantasy or whatever? Or that you did not, at least, find it exciting to have to separate men in the same day?

Am I evil for having such thoughts? Did it really hurt anyone beyond emotionally? And would it have hurt us if we knew all we did today? Most importantly, did it really do anything to us beyond our own confused perceptions and “pre” accepted views on love? Were we destroyed when I allowed Quinton to have sex with you or you allowed me to have sex with Julie? The only difference is we didn't try to hide Quinton or Julie in those instances.

We both agreed to those instances and were honest with one another – we fell apart when we lost honesty. That was our biggest problem – we fell out because we no longer trusted one another. You snooped in the place I knew you would because we no longer trusted one another. That was problem number 1.

Problem number 2 was we refused to communicate and get-along, which is still a problem. Something (I'm not sure what), made us shut down and shut-off. Maybe we got sick of one another or maybe lying and hiding was more exciting? I don't know. Maybe it was our preconceived and poorly thought social and cultural beliefs in monogamy? Maybe we could not accept other “loves”, but “sex” seemed OK? Maybe that was a major problem?

Maybe we didn't truly think we could be as honest with one another as we could have actually been?

I'm not trying to fix that – I am trying to give you understanding so you do not hate me. I am trying to help you understand my personal reasoning. Please! If you have an issue go back and view it all and all we did and how “open” we were and see if you have an idea or if it is similar. I'm truly trying to find answers and move on. I'm not “done” with us, bu I am “done” with what I perceived as us.

So, just let me do my thing. I can find happiness if you do not stand in my way, but rather actually and truly HELP me, as we always did. It was NOT MEANT TO BE, at least in that time and place, so LET IT BE! Let the universe sort itself out and let it sort us out. Either embrace me or let me “fly” and stand by and watch “woman.” I need something, just as we all do, and you KNOW that. I am not excluding you forever from that, nor will I ever say that our time together is “gone forever” (it is in its own time and place). I am merely trying to live in the here and now!

I apologize if you find my words and conclusions HATEFUL and wrong. Please know that I do not hate you, but I am trying to find both logical and experiential reasons to move on and forward.

You wanted to be “friends,” but no longer lovers; this is MY WAY. I'm not telling you to go to Hell or telling you to no longer speak with me, but I am asking you to step out of the way and leave OUR past behind, if you truly wish such. I am also asking if you truly do not wish such or do not know to state it so I can deal appropriately. I understand you do not want me to hate you, but maybe you could understand the FIRST step is getting over you?

I'm not going to HATE you for your comments. I may be miffed depending upon them, but I think I can deal with them, especially since I am so lonely and tired. Do you know how hard it was to take nearly 7 years off? I cannot explain why I needed that much time without troubling you more, but I did and I may not yet be done, but I am very close to done.

I guess I just want you to understand I am not going to allow any 'loves” I ever had to stand in my way in trying again, maybe, if I can.

And please drop this “bullshit” about kids. Frankly, and I know this is hard for you to understand, I don't want more kids (I'm nearing 40 no, woman) – I just want peace. Every woman, these days, will try to make me PAY for my kids, when all I want to do is LOVE them, be FREE, and teach them how to do both. I am so close to being free again and out of the control of Tara that I don't think I'd give that up unless I trusted that woman 1000% (and tested her thoroughly to prove such trust). I want to live on, but not at the cost of living as someone other than myself!

I don't give a damn if you have an “oven” that does not work. You are nowhere NEAR worthless to me. In my mind, you could have done YOUR BEST THING with what the God/dess gave. That could have been worked out, to me. I know it couldn't have been worked out for you because you still have a tough time accepting it, but PLEASE don't act like it is truly an issue with us, because it is not. “Yes,” I can have more kids, but I'm not so sure I want too – probably not); however, if I did I know I would love them and fight for them and provide for them as I do all I love.

I don't give a rat-fuck (on that level) if you are barren. I really do not. It might make you feel better to think it does, but it does not matter to me. And frankly, to this day, I would raise a child with you if we could (even adopted or whatever) because I know we could do a great job together. That is that – please stop acting like that is BOTH our issue, because it is just your's. You like to think I could do better, but maybe I don't want too because I just want to feel free and I simply don't trust anyone to allow me that? I'll tell you this though – I'd help YOU raise a child any day, because I know you'd NEVER try to take away my freedom, never try to exclude me, and always LOVE that child, and KNOW that I would that that child.

Does that mean anything? Maybe to you or maybe in the future?

In any event, that is that. I don't hate you – I am venting and making my own reasons. Please don't try to make my reasons your's. If my reasons are to be your's then we need a RELATIONSHIP that makes all of those reasons OURS. Do you understand that? There is only one way to make that happen, and it is polyamory (I happen to polyamorous); otherwise forget it – we will NEVER work it out. Our situation is not something two monogamous people could explain. You cannot explain LOVE, as we had, with such a worldview and continue to “get-along” without a really distorted view of monogamy.

I know what I felt with you and others – I do not lie to myself. I further do not LIE about what I feel or think, but they are merely my own subjective feelings and thoughts and they can change, so please TRY to take no offense to them.

Peace.

Alraune

Women, Witchcraft, and Weed

 

So why all of this crap about that certain "groovy" hippie chick? Because part of becoming free and finding true individual liberty is in confronting past relationships and how/why they affected you.

You see. I got pretty messed up being a young father and having my relationship ripped apart after five years, then getting with her (my supposed rebound relationship) and losing that after nearly five years. Then I fell for Patrisha (Trish) Neill, had a few flings in between and truly fell in love with Diana Marley.

I ruined them all for that woman because I had not healed from my first love, Tara, and projected it all upon her (that certain woman). The fact is, I never loved her like any other – I merely projected every essence of my love upon her, and it cost me dearly, severely screwed me up, and maybe even caused her to think I was crazy (in the end). She really was not worth it – she proved that!

It took me a very long time to realize this, but it is all true.

I did truly love her (that certain "groovy" woman) with every ounce of my being, but she did not deserve it, and I was not in my right mind to truly provide it. I have spent so long coming to realize this. Let's start simple (and it does not exclude any other supposedly loves)...

First, I want to travel. She was good for that but she loves the system (I do not). She was a woman who could not be happy without television and a couch – I hate that in a woman. I truly hate trying to maintain a relationship with ANYONE who wishes to stay home and plugged in – it just is not me!'

Second, I am polyamorous. None of my other lovers were that I recall, and she might have been the closest (and probably is), but she would never admit it, so she could never confront such a relationship if she cannot “know herself.”

Third, and most importantly, I am not a “it fits me; therefore it is true” kind of guy – she was. I need at least an objective or interjective reason for my beliefs – simply subjective is not good enough – we have a very different core philosophy. It also helps that I understand where mine came from – she has ZERO clue (she merely thinks it is so)..

There is a lot of relational-psychology and also personal philosophy involved here to try to explain this, so let's just say – I woke up (but it took a very long time).

It is important because it is part of freedom and individual liberty!

Basically, and straight and to the point... I loved every woman I was ever with – some more than others; and my psychological issues at those times screwed much of that up. I apologize much to both Trish and Diana. Now I move on...

So far as that certain woman goes... It was good, but you aren't what you think you are, you need knocked down a peg, and you are lucky the Goddess gave you curable cancer – STOP! PAUSE! THINK! You only ever PAY if you act without thinking AND if you refuse to learn from your life's mistakes, which includes eventually learning to “think” right. STOP! Leave everyone else out of the equation – you can do it! Goodbye (that is my final word)!

And enough of that woman forever. We are done. My life now gets better and happier.

I am sorry for hurting you all. I am fixed now and I know what it is up! I "know myself" and I am sorry for hurting those I did.

Peace! Let's all move on. I cursed no one – they cursed themselves.

Let TRUE love come to me.

Peace,

Alraune

Finishing the Kim Thing

Yes, it is true - that certain "groovy" woman was a big part of my life, and I am no longer very fond of her.  It is not that she is a bad woman or things bad need to be spoken of her.  She is a woman who is trying - she should be left alone to do such.  She may think whatever she wishes about me (that is her right and perogative), but I also reserve the right to express my feelings about our relationship and how it had its effect upon me.

First, for all you men or women, she is a great lay - I mean that.  Go for it if you can, because it is nice.  It is not an opportunity you should pass up in this life if you have nothing to lose over it.  She will treat you nice, be very kind to you, do things you never thought another would do, and generally help you to be happy and at least momentarily - fulfilled - she is a blessing of the goddess.  Go for her if you have her - "trust me" you ALL have a chance.  She'll never know what the hell she wants because she refuses to ponder it - she really does.  She is AFRAID of somethings so much and few can help her fears of reality.

Go for it.  Love her and try to make her happy.  She needs you!  She needs you all because she is that scared!

But enough of her.  She was great and I will always love her, but we are done.  I mean done.  I might screw her (and of course hang out with her) to comfort her, but it would take a miracle to love her again.  Frankly I think it would take a miracle for anyone to love her because she is so scared of so many things she could never commit to love in that way.  If "real" love is even what she ever wants...

After so many years, it became more about what I knew she needed than me - that chick needs someone to relieve her FEAR.  If anyone can, please do so.

I cannot help her.  Can you believe that?  I know I cannot.  I hope you are tough and intelligent - have fun.  But don't step on her or I will throttle you.  Do not hurt Emily either or I will be forced to do the same - I respect her and her daugher.  Can I help giving a damn?

Anyway...  Have fun you!  Go with it and get involved.  Treat her nice, because I am done.  It takes time getting over a "crutch" you built, but I figured it out - you should be different.  Bless you all.  This is part of my freedom and part of what makes me the great guy I am and will become.

Beautiful, thank you for making me great and also for hurting me as deeply as you did - you did a great thing.  Goodbye.  I choose to be FREE and you are the bottom of the totem pole on that, but thanks for giving me the courage.  You said, "go ahead and just do it", and they were the greatest words you ever gave me.  I wish you could only know how much those words made me who I am destined to be, and how much they changed my life.  Goddess bless you - you have no clue.

I have so much potential, and you saw it - I just needed to hear it and maybe FACE it.  You aren't evil, you are merely a decent woman "trying" - Goddess bless you from now on.

In the Name of Freya,

Alraune

Getting Up Again After a Bad Blow

I can't state enough the condition that I had been in for so long. Much of my life has now been and will always be about getting up again after being severely, violently and brutally pummeled in spirit and mind. The most saddening part is that I do not believe anyone intended to do such to me – I mostly did it to myself.

What I've been through is merely life. I have always been a loving-fighter: a man driven by love for others as much as self. I've always sprung up after being knocked down, but there was at least one time I was knocked down and I never did recover.

The situation is complex and I believe it underlies all other things which I contemplate, complain about, or analyze – it is love. Although many who know me and have heard my words or read them might think it was Kim, it is Tara – the mother of my daughter. Kim was merely an inevitable result of my reaction, rather than action, to how I handled the end of the relationship I had and had wanted between me and the mother of my only child.

I have searched far and wide for answers and I have found some. I have analyzed and blamed myself, blamed others, blamed the system, and generally tried to find the problem and fix it, but it cannot be done. Certainly, I have found many other problems that bug me and have contributed, but in reality the problem is pain, not physical pain, but emotional pain that can never heal – only fade. It is not my pain – it is our pain. How could I possibly fix pain which is not merely my own?

Finding myself saves me, some; successfully fighting to keep my daughter in my life and be a good father saves us, some; getting along with Tara saves us, some; recognizing the hypocrisy and flaws of society saves us, some; and realizing the truth and that I have to get up again some day saves me and my daughter, much, but it is far from over and fixed (if it can ever be such). I don't think anyone can ever know what I mean...

I never got up again.

I found Kim and embraced her because I needed someone, anyone, and she fit the bill. She may have done the same with me for all I know, but that is what I did and why I got hurt even more. I don't think even she realized how badly I had been hurt. How could she? I'm not even sure I did, at the time.

Then I ran to Trish and from her to a few flings, and from them to Diana, and then back to Kim. Such confusion, such ignorance, and only more grief for more people! The poison had set in and I was dying and all I did was poison others, for which all I can grant is my apologies.

It has now been nearly seven years with no significant other, not even a fling and I finally see 'something'. I finally understand 'something'. Is that wrong? Is that too much pain? Is that too much confusion? Is that too much time alone? Is it not enough time to contemplate, face, and heal?

I am lonely. It took me seven years to finally admit it to myself, but I am. I don't know if I can abstain from trying to love any longer. It has been such a 'Long Trip Alone' (as one Dierks Bentley said). I know it is not that I cannot find another (that is impossible in this world and I have already proven to myself I am quite capable of it), but that I refused to do so out of fear for myself, my daughter and the hearts of others. I cannot fix the past, but maybe I can secure something somewhere in the future. Can't I?

I am just so sick of fighting to be free and loved. Maybe I needed this time to discern for myself what exactly that entails and even that that is what I always desired for myself and anyone that I love? It is extremely complex, but I am certain i understand it now better than I ever did, and certainly better than anyone I ever knew had thought they figured.

I have ideas and plans – that is what this blog is about. They may amount to nothing and I may fall again and again, but being who I am I must get up and try. I cannot go on living without at least trying. I look at the wall I constructed showing pictures of my ancestors, offspring, and loved ones and I know that I am here because they kept going and trying again and again.

I feel like I was knocked backwards and beaten to a bloody pulp, kicked, verbally insulted and attacked, spit upon, and whipped with zero regard for my very human feelings or those I care for. I feel emotionally and spiritually raped... I feel as though I was cold-heartedly run through the heart, with a smile on the face of my attacker, abused as a corpse, and then revived by my attacker to relive the moment forever. These feelings are due to many circumstances and individuals (my self and my perspective and underlying philosophical and cultural beliefs included) and no specific individual. I am a large man, trained in martial arts and educated as a bodyguard, so it is very hard for me to even begin to explain what it is like to be beaten so badly – I never experienced such physically. I really have no personal experience to compare this pain, humiliation and suffering too.

As is quite evident from this blog and those who know me, I have no problem laying my heart and mind out for all to see. I quite simply have no way to communicate the pain. I do not want your pity or empathy – I can take care of myself. I just need to say it! I need to lay it out and get it out somehow and some way. I have tried so many times in so many ways for far too long. I have had my butt kicked by life and it hurt badly, but I need to get the hell up NOW! Again, it is hard to even compare in my mind how I should get up, since I have never actually been knocked down. Actually, if you ever think it would be nice to never have been physically beaten up (even by multiple attackers), imagine how you would handle mental and emotional beatings without the comparison – I have none. I have no personal experience by which to compare what I need to convey. Does that mean I should seek it out? Now, that is truly insane and I will not – I need no other such pain. Besides, my reactions are different when I understand everything about the situation – I am far from skilled in relationships although I continue to learn. I really don't know how to get my point across.

I am an angrily loving man, not violent, but intensely, passionately, and almost overpoweringly loving drive. Not the type of love that gets in your face, but that kind of love that gets in a deep relationship. 'Angry' is the wrong word for those who do not know me, but it is probably closest because I am angry for love itself – like Jesus overturning the stands of the money-changers in the Temple. I am pissed off at the lack of love in others and my self. I am pissed off at the lack of understanding and commitment. I am pissed off at pain and violence and destruction – I want peace and love and happiness. I am a man who gives so much space out of love that I get crapped on. I am a man trying to finely balance love for the individual and love for the relationship – that kind of man.

I could never explain that, it must be experienced, but that is me. My words could be taken a thousand ways, but those who know me know precisely what those words mean. I am the closest thing to a true Pacifist there is without being a coward. I am a loving-fighter. Do what you will with your perception and perspective – I know who I am and what I stand for. Enough trying to explain myself. This blog post is not about how I love or I am perceived by a stranger too, but about getting up after a love has gone wrong.

I need to get-up. I need to truly get-up. I have had my time to myself and it has reached the limit of what I can take in self-contemplation. It is time to consolidate what I learned, examine it, plan, and apply it by trying again.

I now know myself much much better. I understand others better. I understand human nature and society better. I have had the benefit of truly raising my own daughter and loving her 50% of the time (after a fight to get that, which it turns out I was right in thinking I needed). I understand my spirituality better and know much more about the core principles behind my thoughts and those of society and other people. I know enough now that I can try again. I may fail, but I have something more to go on and something new to try, which I believe in.

I am able to actually move past specific past relationships and confront the actual past problems associated with them. In other words, I don't need Kim or Tara or Trish or Diana to resolve the past – I just need to understand the relationship, what happened and why. I can actually move forward consciously without hurting another (myself and my daughter included) due to baggage from past relationships and 'try' to love. I actually know what is from then and is not and have an idea how to handle it.

I can face society as a true cynic, knowing that I am an individualist and that “progress” is a term almost no one who espouses has truly thought about; that “conservatism” is phony, and I fit no socio-political mold. I can go forward knowing I believe in something along the lines of “creatio ex deo” for many varied logical reasons, I am a panpsychism, and consciousness goes all the way down, meaning that interrelationships are the heart of every single matter and thus the crux of all experiences of personal heaven and hell.

I was not murdered, I was badly struck. I was burned by the fire of love and life. The burns were extremely bad, extremely painful, and may have even scarred me, but as my life has shown even scars eventually fade and disappear. I cannot take the pain and scars from others, but they will fade and eventually leave myself, so I must trust they will do so for all others.

I need to 'get-up and try'. I need to quite creating excuses to stay down in an attempt to deceive the stronger part of me which demands that I always bounce right up and destroy what has attacked me. I have nothing to destroy, but 'nothingness', and it is time to get up and do so. I now know my assailant and I can finally get up and fight.

This video is amazing as it analyzes true love and the brutalty of it upon the soul (in a metaphoric way, of course), but what is awesome about it is how the man and the woman both throw the chairs (symbolic of sitting still or remaining stationary) at one another and then rush towards one another. It is ultimately about 'getting up and trying' love again. It is truly about trying again despite the pain and suffering – it means it is worth it.

The most difficult thing to fight is your own shadow... Get up with me, my brother or sister – let's TRY!

Peace, love and infinite happiness.

Alraune.

Finally Over That Woman & a Confession of Polyamory

 

It took me nearly fourteen years, lots of tears, and several other women hurt upon the way, but I am over that certain and somewhat "groovy" hippie chick. I am most certain I am not the only one happy to read this!

I loved this woman, or at least I really and truly wanted too. What I now realize is that I loved nothing about her (or almost nothing), but only the things we did together, which means I never truly loved her!

She was and is nearly the exact opposite of me and that fact made for great times and adventures, but was never meant for a lasting relationship, besides...she never was anything I'd call a trophy, especially having experienced other women beyond her who were much more magnificent “to me”. I do not say that to degrade her, but to make the point that she was not meant for me (we each have our own tastes, and I am sure she has her own as well).

I do not hate that woman (this I want to make clear) though at times in our long past I did, and it was because I was not over her despite our having broke up nearly a decade ago now. I realize now that I got over “her” a long time ago, but our time together and memories is what I did not wish to release to the past. She was fun! She was interesting! She pushed me to be me! She was awesome, but she and I are no more, and the woman I knew, or thought I knew is long gone.

She was and is an awesome woman, but she was never for me and she had her purpose for me, and I with her. Goddess did it hurt for so long, but I finally get it – and not like all those times before. This time I really have no feeling when I say goodbye. Perhaps because it has finally been too long, or maybe because I finally get things?

I used to talk to her on social networks, but I cut that off nearly two months ago and I haven't looked back, nor do I intend too. She tried to attack the real me, and that is unacceptable and also very revealing of where we truly stand – we are truly done.

I cannot begin to express to anyone what sort of freedom this is for me. Perhaps part of that freedom is other realizations, but the one which I speak of is very great. I was a slave to her love for quite some time. I even entertained the idea that she had cast a spell on me (having dated two witches after her with whom both relationships failed because of her existence in my life), or that I had cast it on myself.

I really do not know how to express what went on in my head and heart, but I do know two relationships which could have led somewhere and potentially been happy were destroyed because I was not over her. Rest assured, I have no illusions or anything – those relationships are destroyed and will not happen unless some sort of miracle happens (on both ends), so this is no poor plea for their restoration. I am alone and single and pushing 40. Life sucks, but at least I am free from the slavery of love I once felt.

I guess I didn't just have to give up, I had to decide I did not want it!

I now know the liberation she felt in rejecting me. It is somewhat nice to know you never needed someone you honestly thought you needed – to know that whether they were born or died tomorrow it really made no difference in your world other than a few moments.

Don't get me wrong, I am not that shallow and I realize whatever she had to offer to me is part of me forever, but I obviously do not need her anymore, and it is quite probable that I never did and someone else could have done every single thing she ever did for me. She is obviously, as I now realize, not a necessity, nor even any longer a desire. My knowledge tells me she was for me then, but never meant to be forever and certainly never meant to be for longer than she was.

Another thing that kept me “stuck” was children. She helped to raise my daughter and I helped to raise her's, which is something I will never forget, and I could never not love Emily Jo as if she were my own daughter, but still...even that time is past.

I love Emily and always will; in fact, I will always love those whom I had a close contact with, but that does not mean times cannot come and go and also that I cannot feel different about my relationships. Would Emily even recognize me if she saw me? Would I recognize her? What about her and my daughter recognizing one another? If none of us have known one another for a decade or more how can we even know there is anything beyond what there was a decade ago, or, if there is, that it remains as it did then?

The past truly is the past. How do I know I would like what that woman or her daughter became, or that they would like what my daughter or I became? How could any recent love exist, and if it did, how could any believe it would be of the same type or in the same way?

I'd be crazy to think what was is still there, and I no longer even consider that possibility. I have truly and finally snapped out of the irrational and insane concept of unconditional love. It is truly liberating!

I no longer think about contacting her or wondering if she sent me an email – I don't care. In fact I hope she does not ever send me an email again! Why? Because then I know it is done on her end as well. If she speaks to me then I think there is something there, and there is not. It has been so long since I have known her that I cannot even truly call her a friend. What do I know of her but that of years ago?

I'm free! I realize this now, and I hope somehow someone else who is struggling long term to get over another man or woman reads this and comprehends. Did you truly love them, or was it what you did together? There is a huge difference!

I loved hanging out with that woman, going on adventures with her, dreaming dreams, partying, having fun, and seeking pleasure, but that was nearly everything I loved about her. I realize this now after all this time and damage.

I do not blame her but my upbringing and the false concept of absolute love. Yes! I loved her and always will in her time and place, but there always were and always will be many others whom I love in their time and place as well.

So here's to you! I toast you and say “I am glad to say goodbye”. Please do not ever contact me again for anything (even sex – like that time you broke into my home) unless it is truly important. You are good in bed, but you aren't that damn good that I should destroy my potential relationships or life goals for you. And frankly, your sex is the main thing that made me still want you, and when I think about it, Diana was much more fulfilling – though you and I both destroyed that.

Freedom is mostly in your head, but it is also in your heart. Love yourself enough that you can say goodbye to those you think you love and you just might find freedom – that is my advice!

I refuse to burn any bridges and say any further how I feel or what I think, for I may not feel the same or think differently in the very distant future when I am more mature and nearer the end of my life.

I loved you, woman, and I will always love you in our time and in our place, but I was wrong to love you like that all these years and all this time. I betrayed myself and I betrayed others, as a consequence, in loving you like that. Love does not just belong to another (an observer), it also belongs to a time (a space and moment). Do you understand what I am bleeding to you (for I never said our personalities were not real, but rather our subjective observations of them were incorrect)? Do you understand that I believe we are all a part of the Goddess (the All) and that you and I can only therefore see a part of the truth from a small piece of a perspective (in this manifestation and time)?

I can now say with fervor that I am polyamorous, at least in accordance with space and time, for I have loved your equal in another time although I do not see you that way now, nor never envision it again. Do you understand what I am saying? I do not care if you ever felt the same (it does not matter, for love is not necessarily two-way), I felt and feel as such. I love all my loves in accordance with what I shared with them in the most profound way I can on this physical plane. I also love Mom, Dad, Jesse, Mike, Tara, Digger, Danny (and all my close pets), my relatives and ancestors, Quinton, Kim, Trish, Diana, my other good friends such as Steve, Adam, Butch, Steph, Julie, Jimmy, Jimmy and Jimmy, Zach, Robert, Logan, Josh and Josh, Chris, Chris, Kristy, Angie, Jen and almost all I can name from memory in face and name, then those I've worked with, those I only remember a name or face, and those (at all levels of consciousness) whom I have interacted with whom I share some minor bond with (and in whatever order is precise for the moment and time) – I love them in a more spiritual way.

Is this many loves? Yes it is! Am I evil for such? Hell no! Polyamory is REAL and it is right, in my opinion. So there you have it...I can move on from all my past loves and find happiness because I accept the fact that I have many many loves in many many ways in many many spaces and times.

Does no one see the logic in that? The logic in loving many or all you interact with to varying degrees? The logic in embracing it naturally and carrying the same principle to all natural levels?

In any event, polyamory is a human truth, in my opinion, and this is liberation for me – this realization on many levels. I am a lover, so it is hard for me to understand space and time, making my position on love very difficult to discover.

I'm over you, Beautiful. My Love awaits me.

Peace.

Alraune

Update: I removed that certain "groovy" hippie chick's name so as not to offend her. I'm just blowing off steam and sighting personal subjective reasoning – I mean no harm, hate, or rudeness to others. Apparently, "she" is not done with us because she contacted me via email with many complaints. I will try, as a former lover and a good man and friend to work with her and address "her" and "our" concerns. She just needs to understand that I did truly love her and I always will love her. And I am trying to sort that out in my own way.