Happy New Year! It is 2014 and the beginning of a new and glorious year. A new year with Jennelle and with love. Let me speak of her again!

She does little things for me, that I do not and would never ask for, like making my cigarettes for the day (I roll my own) or making breakfast, or just a little something to make the day a little better and a little more beautiful and a little less stressful. That is love!

Just when she leaves me a little note, or a simple Post-It Note with a red heart drawn on it...it makes all the difference when that is the very first thing I see when I awake. I almost want to burst into tears thinking about it because it it so valuable and precious to me. It is so beautiful to me that I save every note in a little shoe box as if it were gold. It is gold to me.

Have you ever known this? I have not. And I never want to know what it is like to not have this again, for I know I truly have love. I have a love that wants to do anything, even a little thing, just to brighten every single day of my life. And I want and do the same.

Its been over seven months. It is not infatuation or gross error, it is true love; it is not a lie or a facade, it is truth.

On New Year's, at midnight, we danced and kissed. We played several songs and danced and hugged and kissed. The same love was still there – a love that is different than all others, bigger, and larger, and stronger. I love her for exactly who she is and she loves me for the same.

I want to speak of freedom to you, but I cannot get this woman out of my head, because I love her so much. She is freedom to me – love is freedom. I was so close, yet I could not place what I was whining or venting about.

I'll say it again, it is love. Love is freedom! Love is not a drug, it is anything and everything that makes sense and purpose in life.

You want to be free? First find yourself, then find someone who loves you for you, whom you love for who they are. Sound difficult? I think it just happens, eventually, when you set out to truly find yourself and BE yourself.

And do not FEAR. For who says it needs to be here or there? This or that? Let love be what it is, when it is, and let time do it's thing. If you walk into love with this attitude, you can survive its might and take full advantage of it, without fear. Just let it be what it is, when it is, and allow it to travel it's course. Just let Love be.

Maybe it is when we try to control love and capture it in some sort of bottle that it dies?

Jen speaks of appreciation, and perhaps that is something huge to her. Me? It is something deeper. It is not appreciation, but desire to make another happy and better. It is a desire to do anything and everything you can, even the little things, to make the life of the one you love just a little bit better – one day at a time. Maybe you could call that appreciation, but I call it love!

Love is not just someone to lean on, but someone who will lift you up both when you are down and even before you have a chance to fall – because they give a damn. It is a heart that is always there, waiting and watching and caring. It is a heart that is so taken by what you give that it would give all it can just to keep what you give effortlessly, out of pure natural love and affection.

Jen is my “trip”. I am tripping for her and I am high as a kite. She is still here and still in love and has seen just about all there is to see. Really the only thing left to see is when I truly lose my temper (which is few and far between) and the playing out of my sexual fantasies (which I am fairly certain she would be more than for).

So what do I mean? Well...sometimes I lose my temper (long fuse, explosive anger) and she has not seen me truly lose it yet (it has scared the shit out of all who have seen it – including me), but I do not see that as a problem as I only lose my temper when it matters and counts and she is one who understands. Maybe she will fully understand? Maybe it will turn her on? Maybe it will be no big deal to her? Maybe I'll never have to go there again?

And what do I mean by sexual fantasies? I am bisexual and quite open when asked, yet understanding and considerate of those I love. Maybe that will bug her one day? Maybe some day I will feel more on the bisexual side and she will catch me watching porn she doesn't feel comfortable with or something? I don't know. She is bisexual as well, so I don't see how, but it could be. Maybe she just won't be capable of figuring out how to handle a man who has my sexual drive and orientation?

Don't get me wrong. I can be monogamous, but it does not change what turns me on.

And this is all part of freedom and knowing the self and having love; it is a complicated thing. Love kind of rises above this all and makes everything alright. Love understands on both sides and finds a way Love transcends!

Granted, she has many desires and infatuations that definitely appeal to me (although she only dances around them), so as I said...I am actually quite positive in thought about the sexual fantasy department – I think she wants to go places that would help to fulfill a bisexual guy anyway.

Let me put that last part this way... I ask myself, being bisexual myself, what it is this woman desires and what is all that I can give to fulfill those needs and desires? I obviously cannot be a woman, but what is it that both men and women can give her that I can give? So I give her emotional support and masculine strength and love and I go down on her often – I give the best I can to capture all worlds. I know I can never be a substitute for all longings, but I can be the best thing across the board – the best love. I know I can compete in that arena and I can be me. And I am open enough for her to come to if the longings to play out her sexuality are too strong. I won't and don't care, so long as my body, health, mind, and heart are considered in the equation – I demand her freedom.

Is it wrong for me to do so? I don't think so. And maybe I should say such more? Or maybe I should keep my mouth shut and love as I do? Or maybe we both should run amuck and do our thing? I honestly do not know. I am honestly new to loving and not giving a shit as to what I WANT to be projected onto the other (non-freedom). I am still trying to figure out just how to let the other be FREE and be their self and still LOVE them.

Anyway...happy 2014 and happy love! Live your life FREE and with PEACE and LOVE! Be satisfied and feekl wanted and appreciated.

Blessings,

Alraune

P.S. Jen is right. There is lot's of love in this house. That is why I am still here and why I am who I am. But love does not come without pain, and there is tons of hurt, but love conquers all, and the hurt only makes the love stronger.

I am deadly dangerous not because I went to bodyguard school, but because I love. The most dangerous man is not one who has nothing to care for, but one who has everything to care for. It is impossible to defeat a man or woman who has everything to lose with the strength of any army or weapon of the world, for love conquers all... Love will always find a way!

75 Days Later

I am a happy soul and a happy man. It is great to be in love again. Every time I try to love deeper, better, with more thought, more feeling, and more depth of thought and balance in case it works or it does not. Certainly there is no rationale to what is called love, but it sure as hell feels rational when living in that moment. I think this time I may have found a woman who is near my mentality and intellectual as well as emotional level when it comes to actually building something, working together, and going forward.

She seems to be very truthful when she says it is not all about sex, but then again, so have others. A certain ex-girlfriend is correct about me and I have to watch for it and be weary – I am intense. When I fall into love I come on as intense physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and it can quickly swallow a soul and make them lose track of the deeper me which they may or may not love, especially if they needed such intensity at that particular moment in their life. I'd be lying if I said I did not worry about this.

And it is not all the woman. I too play a part and get swallowed by the intensity of it all, perhaps sometimes more so than they. That is the price one must pay for having a soul and being capable of emotion and empathy for others. I think I have learned a few things along the way though and I have hope this time, and each time. Many women I have loved and dated have wanted a man who is the perfect balance (perfect for them, that is) between a man who is manly, powerful, strong, skillful and forceful and a man who is open, communicative, social, empathizing, caring, kind, and deep (to name a few important traits). Thankfully, I walk that fine line and always have, which is probably why I am found attractive by the women I have known and some I have not. I have learned this and in my maturity I am learning to refine it and be better at it in all arenas.

Naturally, I am and will just be myself, but I am constantly seeking to improve upon myself so long as it is truly me. So far the man I have become seems to be something Jennelle greatly enjoys, and that makes me very happy.

On the 44th day we both said we loved one another, and this time...different than all others...she said it first. I could see in her eyes that she truly meant it, at least at that moment, and so I kissed her and held her deeply. That moment is all I ever wanted in my life – that moment!

Jen is everything I ever dreamed of. I thank the God/dess for her and resign myself to be thankful no matter how long it lasts, but to wish it to last forever. She is beautiful, she is strong, she is smart, she is inquisitive, she is child-like...she actually “gets me” and does not see any part of me as insane, but knows exactly what is going on in my head and my heart. She sees right through me, and like she said to me, I feel naked around her, but it is alright. I don't think any love truly exists unless both feel completely comfortable and naked around one another.

Her life has become better since she met me and I view that as a gift and confirmation from above. She has a better job and a better life ahead of her. All is going well for her, and she says, “you're next.” THAT is why I love her! She is silently aching inside to see the same fate befall me, as I have always done for her. She is my mirror, as she says I am to her.

She says she has never been loved like I love her, and by God/dess I will not allow her to ever think otherwise! I want to love her like no one ever has and no one ever will, and I want to because I need too. But not too much at once...I must savor it, allow her to soak it up, and move slowly but steadily and with equal fervor along the entire length.

I will not allow anything to ruin that love. I do not expect her to be perfect. I do not expect her to never go astray (though I have a feeling she is much less likely than any other). I don't expect anything from her other than she expect from me what I have always done and always will do for her. If I can do that and be me and true to myself, then I know I will have her forever. If she can do that, then we shall be forever.

I sometimes wonder if I had met her before. Perhaps in a bar some time when she was hanging with Julie? Perhaps I was with Kim at the time or just hanging with some friends, or maybe I was alone and in my head? I sometimes get the feeling I did, but did not recognize, and I certainly do not remember. Needless to say, she was always no more than three degrees of separation away, we just never knew it.

In any event, I am beginning to feel I have found what Daryle Singletary called “that Amen kind of love,” and I am thankful to Freya for it. It is not me rebounding or anything. I had purposefully ceased dating for some six years. It took me that long to get over my past loves, find myself, and grow. No past love would recognize the true me any longer, but that does not matter...who I am now was not meant for them, it was meant for this moment now. They were meant to help bring me here. I will always love them in their moment and time, and I have told Jennelle this. She agrees this is right!

Jen has met my parents and my daughter. They all like her. I have met her parents and some of her other family. They all like me, including her father, who is apparently a hard case but somehow he took to me. Her family is actually a lot like my own, more so than the family of any other I have ever known (nothing against those wonderful families, but there is more similarity here).

Jen makes me feel like getting of my ass, which is how I feel about my life myself – another area of compatibility. She worries about my happiness and my health. She actually and truly cares about me. Thank you God/dess!

We both have a thing for the forest and camping and more than a dozen times we have run off into the forest just to get naked and frolic. We both love good cooking and good eats and it all goes right along with everything else we do. She is truthfully my kind of woman. Neither of us leads and neither of us follows.

I don't know what I did to make her love me. Perhaps I will ask her? But I am glad I did it. The past 75 days have been wonderful, fulfilling, youthful, and sublime. I think I will go ask her now. We talk like that.

May you find your love,

Alraune

Speaking Truth Concerning Relationships and Confessing Wrongs

Recently a certain groovy hippie chick replied to some of my blog posts. She was rather upset and thinks I am even more scummy than she did, so I want to throw some TRUTH out to place reality where it should land.

Remember, you screwed around FIRST. You made the first choice, you slept with another person WHILE still in an intimate and sexual relationship FIRST, and YOU set that stage in our relationship in motion – it was YOU, not me.

So yes, “I did do some of the things I did AFTER we broke up.” I did some pretty scummy things to you at that time, AFTER you devastated me. I also did some pretty scummy things to other women and even just some friends AFTERWARDS because I was experimenting and working through my problems.

You probably HATE me (not to mention a certain other woman hates me) because it is true that I had sex with her and then returned home to have sex with you, and I “did” get a kick out of that. Are you going to tell me you didn't get a kick out of the things you did? Is it somehow better that I don't know the details of some of those excursions? So how am I any more “scummy?”

Then you complain about me saying things in blogs. Would you rather I hid my feelings and my actions from you? Is that really what this is all about? Is it somehow BETTER if neither of us KNOW the TRUTH or hear a little venting? Why are you reading my blogs anyway, if I am such an ass?

Why am I so wrong? Better yet, how am I more wrong than you? I guess that is my real question - “How am I more wrong than you, and how could you possibly expect me to be better? By what right could you expect me to be better or even equal to how you view yourself?”

I did some horrible things to hurt you, but I also did some awesome things to love you. All you see is what makes me WRONG (or wrong to you). Is it any wonder I am frustrated in trying to even get along with you?

So what if I said you weren't a “trophy.” Do you even know what I mean by that? Furthermore, do you really think you are the best I could ever have, and do you really think I have those thoughts stuck in my head? Certainly I am not the best for you because we ARE NOT, so why do you frown upon me acknowledging YOU may not be the best for me?

Do you even remember one of the positive things I stated?

Ok. I essentially called you a couch potato and said we differed in our preferences for lounging around, generally living, having fun, and viewing/trusting the socio-political world. I said this proved we never really knew one another. The horror! So you think I am wrong and “I thought it;” I am such a dick!

When I think about it, I think it is the fact that I MUST state the TRUTH, some hurtful lies, and vent out loud and openly, which “she” has the greatest problem with. I cannot help it though – it is me. Certainly, she can't be that upset about all else. We shared our bed with others when together, and unless she is mentally ill she KNOWS I was with at least two separate women in separate relationships (after we broke up), and having intimate relations with them, while I was with her. And she'd be a fool to think I did not fulfill “odd” fantasies when afforded the opportunity. I really don't think she is that stupid, so it must be my words which BURN HER the most.

She does not like my words and “open” discussion of what she feels only we should discuss, she does not like my “out loud” vents and current thoughts, especially if they happen to hurt, and she does not like me pointing out the obvious truth and/or hypocrisy. In other words, she doesn't like how I handle things. Tough.

Look, either try to read my stuff “outside of yourself” or just forget it – because OUR relationship isn't all about YOU – I was there too. We both did scummy things, at least if we hold to what I personally now believe is a FALSE concept of monogamy and we believe the b.s. that a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP is perfect if it is TRUE. You will never “get me” or anything I say if you hold to a Christian worldview, which means some deeply engraved things you never even thought about (you learned them from our society) and you probably don't want to think about – it effects the comfort zone.

Ooh wow! I said we probably never knew each other, we weren't meant to be, and we had differing opinions that I found difficult. The horror! I said you weren't the BEST! How horrible! Well, if you really gave a shit about “being the BEST” you'd try to be it and you'd try to honestly make my true thoughts CHANGE so that I would express such (if you were to be MY best), but instead you get pissed for me saying what I think. Yeah, you were the BEST in some arenas, but you weren't the all-around best, and I KNOW I was not either, or I'd still be there – wouldn't I? So what is your problem?

Really... the more I think of it the more I think WTF? You aren't keeping me on a string, woman. I'm better than that! If you want anything to do with me you need to do it in accordance with who I am. You need to learn to accept how I deal or debate it logically, because this appeal to emotion shit ain't cutting it anymore. I WILL NOT do it! I know where my feelings stand and I know what I want and what I would like to see, but I WILL NOT waiver – this understanding MUST be part of accepting me. I cannot learn to “get along” with you if you will not accept this, and I fully understand the consequences – but that's the absolute TRUTH to me.

If you want to walk away this is your chance. If you want a friendship, then I suggest you take some time to yourself and sort that out and figure how you can do YOUR THING with me doing mine. I ain't joking, woman. I am old and tired. This IS the best “bridge” I can build for us, anymore – it is it. I don't hate you – I love you, but I need to make peace within myself. If for some reason you wanted something or an opening it is still there in what I offer, but I am laying down my ground rules. I am OVER YOU in that you are a love in a specific space and time. If you want active friendship, then you need to DEAL with what it entails.

I am not joking. I am not just talking or venting in this instance – I am laying it STRAIGHT. This is it. Take it or leave it. And this is not like your ultimatum over Diana – this is REALLY it, so speak and act carefully. As a matter of fact, it appears to me THAT was really it (between us, in that sort of a relationship – or so you mentioned), so you should KNOW what I mean then. I'm not “bluffing” - I am telling you how I really feel and what I really think.

You know? Why am I even bothering? Why am I even responding? Why do I even give a damn if I am the scummy guy she is making me feel I am? Why did I even bother reaching out or altering my original posts? WTF is wrong with me? Am I THAT easily controlled and screwed with? Why do I “care?” if I am everything she claims I am and if she is truly “devastated?” What kind of “sucker” am I? Why try at all? It makes no sense, if she is CORRECT, so what does that mean? I know what it means, but let her do her thing and believe her thing. Why did I even bother answering the email? I'm an ass and I say mean things, right? I ought to be ashamed, right? But “why” would I be, if I am all those things she thinks I am? Why would I even respond and attempt to explain a thing? Why would I even try if she is RIGHT in the things she thinks are TRUE of me?

I'm done with this b.s. I KNOW my truth. I can live with it. I'm done trying to point out the obvious as well. I'm done – I've done all a guy can do. Harp on those mean things I say, take them personally, and do your thing. Just take time off, if you need to, and reevaluate, or do whatever. We are at our last chance to reevaluate things and go from there, from a base, a non intimate base – and that is my last effort. I have nothing more to offer to try to salvage anything.

If you want “friend” Jeff, you can have “friend” Jeff, and even with the stipulation we never speak of the past (I'll make that final concession), but if you can't live with just that, then you need to figure out what to do. You also need to accept that “friends” bitch, vent, and say things friends do, even about YOU – at least that is how GUYS do it, or at least “I” do. I know because you are not my only “ex girlfriend.” I've done this before.

That has the potential to build or destroy a relationship, and that toughness is what a true relationship is made of – I know because I've done it. Granted, I have a daughter (a common love) to keep the peace, but I would think any real love that existed could be just as strong. It doesn't mean you would be relegated to the status in which I view the mother of my daughter, but I do mean you and I need to learn to get along at least that well. We also do have children in our equation.

I am really done, woman. By that I mean I am done fighting and I am done with the past. Let's either try something entirely new and see where that goes or forget it altogether. We are BOTH scum when looking back at what we did to one another, so if anything is to be left – let's be honest and open with one another and try to leave the past where it is. It is there, but it isn't now, at least I don't think so – I don't know how you rationalize things.

You said, “I hope I ain't putting my foot in my mouth, but I want...” Ok. I agree. Let's try that, or forget it altogether. One or the other. If I can wait so many years to do what I WILL do in just a few (my dream trip), do you think I cannot walk away from us and live just fine? In other words, if that is what you truly want but do not know how to do, then do it? – this is also your chance for that.

I so much do not say that to burn you, but to stress my point – I WILL BE FREE regardless of anyone or anything because it is what I want most, which means I WILL be me and I WILL live accordingly. Excuse me a second...

Ok, I just got done explaining to my daughter that she was born with an antenna and a tail, just like her mother! I told her that her mother's tail was 40 feet long and they removed it at birth. Guess what? She KNOWS I am full of crap! My kid gets me. Thank God/dess she gets me!

I say things to make people “feel” better (or laugh), including myself, but sometimes it backfires and hurts people or is heard by the wrong person. Sometimes I use my gift for all the wrong reasons and set out to hurt others, but it is ME. I may mumble, but I am damn good with words when I want to be, and I certainly know how to make people laugh their asses off! I “act” completely ape shit crazy many times just to give people something, to give them “something” to hold on to life. I am a spark or a flame in the lives of many. Maybe you don't like the spark I am giving you? Her mother would probably wonder “on her own subjective level” why I chose her? Many individuals, particularly mothers may find what I said to my daughter particularly evil or wrong, but YOU know I meant it in the best way. I just wanted my daughter to laugh – I knew she knew better. So what if I picked on her mom a little? If she doesn't care and doesn't take it that way, then why should anyone else? She KNOWS we both love her and that I encourage love between us all (her mother, me, and her). She KNOWS, and my past actions have SHOWN, that I love us all and I respect us all.

Can't you see? I don't always say what I mean – I express myself and let it at that. I don't know how else to lay it down. I don't know what else to say. I know how to use words, I know how to make people happy, and unfortunately I also know how to make them sad or upset – I am damn good at it! I am offering a potential solution for us to get back on the right track and learn to get along again – a simple distant friendship with a stipulation that the past is omitted – that is the BEST I can do. Take it or leave it.

I do not always believe everything I say or write, nor do my actions necessarily always prove my words. The best way to judge me is by what I DO, not what I say. I am a lover AND a fighter – remember: I “faint” as well as strike, and sometimes what I “say” is designed to keep the eye in one place while what I “do” (or feel or think) is unseen. If you were a fighter, as well, you'd know to READ BETWEEN THE LINES to see what is really going on. Sometimes all it is is a way to keep going and stay in the fight. There is no good “fighter” who does not use their head more than their body - to think so is sure failure. The TRUTH is always hidden between the lines.

I am fighting to keep my head afloat and my heart alive. I don't expect anyone to understand that but me. You do your thing and react however you feel is appropriate – I WILL live either way. I'm not saying I will be happy if we are done for good, but I will live, I will “get by”, and I will move on regardless. At this point it does not matter to me anymore (because I am too tired and too old and too lonely), but I was under the impression that that was what you wanted all along anyway – me to “get back to me and live life.”

Woman...you moved me, but now I am “here.” Ponder that for an instant.

Peace.

Alraune