Recently a certain groovy hippie chick replied to some of my blog posts. She was rather upset and thinks I am even more scummy than she did, so I want to throw some TRUTH out to place reality where it should land.
Remember, you screwed around FIRST. You made the first choice, you slept with another person WHILE still in an intimate and sexual relationship FIRST, and YOU set that stage in our relationship in motion – it was YOU, not me.
So yes, “I did do some of the things I did AFTER we broke up.” I did some pretty scummy things to you at that time, AFTER you devastated me. I also did some pretty scummy things to other women and even just some friends AFTERWARDS because I was experimenting and working through my problems.
You probably HATE me (not to mention a certain other woman hates me) because it is true that I had sex with her and then returned home to have sex with you, and I “did” get a kick out of that. Are you going to tell me you didn't get a kick out of the things you did? Is it somehow better that I don't know the details of some of those excursions? So how am I any more “scummy?”
Then you complain about me saying things in blogs. Would you rather I hid my feelings and my actions from you? Is that really what this is all about? Is it somehow BETTER if neither of us KNOW the TRUTH or hear a little venting? Why are you reading my blogs anyway, if I am such an ass?
Why am I so wrong? Better yet, how am I more wrong than you? I guess that is my real question - “How am I more wrong than you, and how could you possibly expect me to be better? By what right could you expect me to be better or even equal to how you view yourself?”
I did some horrible things to hurt you, but I also did some awesome things to love you. All you see is what makes me WRONG (or wrong to you). Is it any wonder I am frustrated in trying to even get along with you?
So what if I said you weren't a “trophy.” Do you even know what I mean by that? Furthermore, do you really think you are the best I could ever have, and do you really think I have those thoughts stuck in my head? Certainly I am not the best for you because we ARE NOT, so why do you frown upon me acknowledging YOU may not be the best for me?
Do you even remember one of the positive things I stated?
Ok. I essentially called you a couch potato and said we differed in our preferences for lounging around, generally living, having fun, and viewing/trusting the socio-political world. I said this proved we never really knew one another. The horror! So you think I am wrong and “I thought it;” I am such a dick!
When I think about it, I think it is the fact that I MUST state the TRUTH, some hurtful lies, and vent out loud and openly, which “she” has the greatest problem with. I cannot help it though – it is me. Certainly, she can't be that upset about all else. We shared our bed with others when together, and unless she is mentally ill she KNOWS I was with at least two separate women in separate relationships (after we broke up), and having intimate relations with them, while I was with her. And she'd be a fool to think I did not fulfill “odd” fantasies when afforded the opportunity. I really don't think she is that stupid, so it must be my words which BURN HER the most.
She does not like my words and “open” discussion of what she feels only we should discuss, she does not like my “out loud” vents and current thoughts, especially if they happen to hurt, and she does not like me pointing out the obvious truth and/or hypocrisy. In other words, she doesn't like how I handle things. Tough.
Look, either try to read my stuff “outside of yourself” or just forget it – because OUR relationship isn't all about YOU – I was there too. We both did scummy things, at least if we hold to what I personally now believe is a FALSE concept of monogamy and we believe the b.s. that a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP is perfect if it is TRUE. You will never “get me” or anything I say if you hold to a Christian worldview, which means some deeply engraved things you never even thought about (you learned them from our society) and you probably don't want to think about – it effects the comfort zone.
Ooh wow! I said we probably never knew each other, we weren't meant to be, and we had differing opinions that I found difficult. The horror! I said you weren't the BEST! How horrible! Well, if you really gave a shit about “being the BEST” you'd try to be it and you'd try to honestly make my true thoughts CHANGE so that I would express such (if you were to be MY best), but instead you get pissed for me saying what I think. Yeah, you were the BEST in some arenas, but you weren't the all-around best, and I KNOW I was not either, or I'd still be there – wouldn't I? So what is your problem?
Really... the more I think of it the more I think WTF? You aren't keeping me on a string, woman. I'm better than that! If you want anything to do with me you need to do it in accordance with who I am. You need to learn to accept how I deal or debate it logically, because this appeal to emotion shit ain't cutting it anymore. I WILL NOT do it! I know where my feelings stand and I know what I want and what I would like to see, but I WILL NOT waiver – this understanding MUST be part of accepting me. I cannot learn to “get along” with you if you will not accept this, and I fully understand the consequences – but that's the absolute TRUTH to me.
If you want to walk away this is your chance. If you want a friendship, then I suggest you take some time to yourself and sort that out and figure how you can do YOUR THING with me doing mine. I ain't joking, woman. I am old and tired. This IS the best “bridge” I can build for us, anymore – it is it. I don't hate you – I love you, but I need to make peace within myself. If for some reason you wanted something or an opening it is still there in what I offer, but I am laying down my ground rules. I am OVER YOU in that you are a love in a specific space and time. If you want active friendship, then you need to DEAL with what it entails.
I am not joking. I am not just talking or venting in this instance – I am laying it STRAIGHT. This is it. Take it or leave it. And this is not like your ultimatum over Diana – this is REALLY it, so speak and act carefully. As a matter of fact, it appears to me THAT was really it (between us, in that sort of a relationship – or so you mentioned), so you should KNOW what I mean then. I'm not “bluffing” - I am telling you how I really feel and what I really think.
You know? Why am I even bothering? Why am I even responding? Why do I even give a damn if I am the scummy guy she is making me feel I am? Why did I even bother reaching out or altering my original posts? WTF is wrong with me? Am I THAT easily controlled and screwed with? Why do I “care?” if I am everything she claims I am and if she is truly “devastated?” What kind of “sucker” am I? Why try at all? It makes no sense, if she is CORRECT, so what does that mean? I know what it means, but let her do her thing and believe her thing. Why did I even bother answering the email? I'm an ass and I say mean things, right? I ought to be ashamed, right? But “why” would I be, if I am all those things she thinks I am? Why would I even respond and attempt to explain a thing? Why would I even try if she is RIGHT in the things she thinks are TRUE of me?
I'm done with this b.s. I KNOW my truth. I can live with it. I'm done trying to point out the obvious as well. I'm done – I've done all a guy can do. Harp on those mean things I say, take them personally, and do your thing. Just take time off, if you need to, and reevaluate, or do whatever. We are at our last chance to reevaluate things and go from there, from a base, a non intimate base – and that is my last effort. I have nothing more to offer to try to salvage anything.
If you want “friend” Jeff, you can have “friend” Jeff, and even with the stipulation we never speak of the past (I'll make that final concession), but if you can't live with just that, then you need to figure out what to do. You also need to accept that “friends” bitch, vent, and say things friends do, even about YOU – at least that is how GUYS do it, or at least “I” do. I know because you are not my only “ex girlfriend.” I've done this before.
That has the potential to build or destroy a relationship, and that toughness is what a true relationship is made of – I know because I've done it. Granted, I have a daughter (a common love) to keep the peace, but I would think any real love that existed could be just as strong. It doesn't mean you would be relegated to the status in which I view the mother of my daughter, but I do mean you and I need to learn to get along at least that well. We also do have children in our equation.
I am really done, woman. By that I mean I am done fighting and I am done with the past. Let's either try something entirely new and see where that goes or forget it altogether. We are BOTH scum when looking back at what we did to one another, so if anything is to be left – let's be honest and open with one another and try to leave the past where it is. It is there, but it isn't now, at least I don't think so – I don't know how you rationalize things.
You said, “I hope I ain't putting my foot in my mouth, but I want...” Ok. I agree. Let's try that, or forget it altogether. One or the other. If I can wait so many years to do what I WILL do in just a few (my dream trip), do you think I cannot walk away from us and live just fine? In other words, if that is what you truly want but do not know how to do, then do it? – this is also your chance for that.
I so much do not say that to burn you, but to stress my point – I WILL BE FREE regardless of anyone or anything because it is what I want most, which means I WILL be me and I WILL live accordingly. Excuse me a second...
Ok, I just got done explaining to my daughter that she was born with an antenna and a tail, just like her mother! I told her that her mother's tail was 40 feet long and they removed it at birth. Guess what? She KNOWS I am full of crap! My kid gets me. Thank God/dess she gets me!
I say things to make people “feel” better (or laugh), including myself, but sometimes it backfires and hurts people or is heard by the wrong person. Sometimes I use my gift for all the wrong reasons and set out to hurt others, but it is ME. I may mumble, but I am damn good with words when I want to be, and I certainly know how to make people laugh their asses off! I “act” completely ape shit crazy many times just to give people something, to give them “something” to hold on to life. I am a spark or a flame in the lives of many. Maybe you don't like the spark I am giving you? Her mother would probably wonder “on her own subjective level” why I chose her? Many individuals, particularly mothers may find what I said to my daughter particularly evil or wrong, but YOU know I meant it in the best way. I just wanted my daughter to laugh – I knew she knew better. So what if I picked on her mom a little? If she doesn't care and doesn't take it that way, then why should anyone else? She KNOWS we both love her and that I encourage love between us all (her mother, me, and her). She KNOWS, and my past actions have SHOWN, that I love us all and I respect us all.
Can't you see? I don't always say what I mean – I express myself and let it at that. I don't know how else to lay it down. I don't know what else to say. I know how to use words, I know how to make people happy, and unfortunately I also know how to make them sad or upset – I am damn good at it! I am offering a potential solution for us to get back on the right track and learn to get along again – a simple distant friendship with a stipulation that the past is omitted – that is the BEST I can do. Take it or leave it.
I do not always believe everything I say or write, nor do my actions necessarily always prove my words. The best way to judge me is by what I DO, not what I say. I am a lover AND a fighter – remember: I “faint” as well as strike, and sometimes what I “say” is designed to keep the eye in one place while what I “do” (or feel or think) is unseen. If you were a fighter, as well, you'd know to READ BETWEEN THE LINES to see what is really going on. Sometimes all it is is a way to keep going and stay in the fight. There is no good “fighter” who does not use their head more than their body - to think so is sure failure. The TRUTH is always hidden between the lines.
I am fighting to keep my head afloat and my heart alive. I don't expect anyone to understand that but me. You do your thing and react however you feel is appropriate – I WILL live either way. I'm not saying I will be happy if we are done for good, but I will live, I will “get by”, and I will move on regardless. At this point it does not matter to me anymore (because I am too tired and too old and too lonely), but I was under the impression that that was what you wanted all along anyway – me to “get back to me and live life.”
Woman...you moved me, but now I am “here.” Ponder that for an instant.
Peace.
Alraune
