A New Love

I haven't written for awhile and that reason is: a woman – Jen. She is incredible and I thank the Goddess Freya for her. Our first date was camping and I couldn't have possibly asked for more. I spent 9 straight hours talking to her before I even kissed her (this is my way), and she is madly deeply into me, as I am her.

She is 21 days older than me and a near mirror of myself. She is crazy (in a good kind of way), highly sexual (and very good at it) – the best ever (and I didn't think that could be topped), highly intelligent, an awesome cook (specifically on a campfire), crazy about the natural (she even likes camping nude), into mythology (specifically Celtic and Norse/Germanic), loves fantasy novels, and is cool with me as me all the way from the skin to the bone and spirit. Mere words cannot describe how incredibly perfect she is!

The Goddess Freya shines down upon us (in more ways than one) and there are so many confirmations it is bizarre. Neither of us dare not say it at this time (we are too old and too wise to say such after a mere 27 days), but we are falling in love.

I wonder where she has been my whole life, but I know it was not meant for then, but for now.

We work together and we work great together – we know this. If that is not a firm foundation, then there is none (in my mind). I love this woman, and I did not think I would ever love again...

We just spent an entire week together camping (without pants) and it was the greatest and most fulfilling week of my life. I did not think this woman existed! And I can tell – she is not fake. Words cannot describe the happiness she brings, and I am content just knowing I have her NOW. For the first time in so long (too long) I think of nothing but her.

I am overjoyed with her in my life. I thank the Goddess for her, and for the first time in a long time I can say again, “I never want to die” - not as in “me”, but as in “us”. I feel complete. I don't know what to say – I am exceedingly happy, and I thank the Goddess for her.

Thank you Goddess for giving me Jennelle. Thank you so much! Even my daughter's face shines upon us just as the Sun's rays shined upon her beautiful body dripping dry and the Moon shined upon us every night we made love.

Words cannot describe my happiness – I am healed.

Peace.

Alraune

Straightening This Blog Out

Lately, this blog has become about a certain woman, and it is definitely NOT intended for that. While I will always hold all of my past loves in high regard, this blog is about ME, MY take on relationships, and about freedom, and I will not allow myself to stray from that.

I fell away from my goal for the same reason I had to state my opinions – I am still healing, in my own way; and in such I am finding freedom. My venting and typed opinions may not be popular and they may hurt those I care for, but I have a right to speak and vent, and I will, and I will not turn the topic to any particular person or relationship unless it is particularly important to MY moment in time – I need to get by and survive.

I am sorry if how I do it hurts others – it is the way I see. I'm sure it hurts plants and animals to feed on them to live, but it is life. While I do not wish to “feed” on anyone, I may “think” and “say”things in order to make sense of my own life that they do not agree with.

Ten yeas, my readers, ten years! Am I wrong in what I do and in doing it my way if it takes me so long?

Therefore, I am done glorifying and magnifying that woman and that relationship. I am done complaining about it, if I can. Unless she makes a true effort to get back in, I am walking – I don't care what she thinks I said or did. I must find a way to move on, and unless she gives me a SPECIFIC indication of anything or a possibility for an opening (with the stipulation that I can be me and do my thing in the mean time), then I will do my thing.

I am done waiting on her (maybe that is what I did for 10 years)? I am done playing games. I am done hurting. I am done allowing her and the “potential” for a relationship (always open-ended) to influence my thought – I'm done. I am done trying to be friends if we cannot DROP the past. I simply cannot do it – period.

It is ALL ON HER. I am done allowing any of it to be on me. My offer is simple – either say you want something, say you want mere friendship REGARDLESS if I vent and be myself, or say you want no part anymore. Let's get “us” straight – if I am a guy friend I will be a GUY friend, and if I am a lover I will be a lover, there is no in-between. In other words, woman, YOU need to come to terms with how I am and how I do things as a lover, friend or acquaintance, or get out altogether, because I am NOT changing.

You WILL NOT crush me if you say “C-ya.” Know that (We already did that – no more damage could possibly be done, unless I allowed it)! There is no reason but your own to stop you from saying goodbye. I do not wish for you to say goodbye, but I do require you to lay it straight, flat, and ACCEPT how I am if we have any sort of relationship.

With that...this blog is DONE with that particular woman. I will do my best to refrain from speaking about her anymore, because my FREEDOM is not all about her, dealing with our relationship and moving on is only a small portion of MY freedom.

I want to START OVER, with her, if possible, and go from there, DROP the past, and see what happens. I don't "expect" anything – I just want to be granted FREEDOM by her and to grant it to her, and then see if anything ever was or still is. Otherwise, I think it best for us to just walk away, because I NEED SOMETHING, and I will have it.

It is really messed up when two people really did love one another and cannot figure how to deal with it.

Peace.

Alraune

Speaking Truth Concerning Relationships and Confessing Wrongs

Recently a certain groovy hippie chick replied to some of my blog posts. She was rather upset and thinks I am even more scummy than she did, so I want to throw some TRUTH out to place reality where it should land.

Remember, you screwed around FIRST. You made the first choice, you slept with another person WHILE still in an intimate and sexual relationship FIRST, and YOU set that stage in our relationship in motion – it was YOU, not me.

So yes, “I did do some of the things I did AFTER we broke up.” I did some pretty scummy things to you at that time, AFTER you devastated me. I also did some pretty scummy things to other women and even just some friends AFTERWARDS because I was experimenting and working through my problems.

You probably HATE me (not to mention a certain other woman hates me) because it is true that I had sex with her and then returned home to have sex with you, and I “did” get a kick out of that. Are you going to tell me you didn't get a kick out of the things you did? Is it somehow better that I don't know the details of some of those excursions? So how am I any more “scummy?”

Then you complain about me saying things in blogs. Would you rather I hid my feelings and my actions from you? Is that really what this is all about? Is it somehow BETTER if neither of us KNOW the TRUTH or hear a little venting? Why are you reading my blogs anyway, if I am such an ass?

Why am I so wrong? Better yet, how am I more wrong than you? I guess that is my real question - “How am I more wrong than you, and how could you possibly expect me to be better? By what right could you expect me to be better or even equal to how you view yourself?”

I did some horrible things to hurt you, but I also did some awesome things to love you. All you see is what makes me WRONG (or wrong to you). Is it any wonder I am frustrated in trying to even get along with you?

So what if I said you weren't a “trophy.” Do you even know what I mean by that? Furthermore, do you really think you are the best I could ever have, and do you really think I have those thoughts stuck in my head? Certainly I am not the best for you because we ARE NOT, so why do you frown upon me acknowledging YOU may not be the best for me?

Do you even remember one of the positive things I stated?

Ok. I essentially called you a couch potato and said we differed in our preferences for lounging around, generally living, having fun, and viewing/trusting the socio-political world. I said this proved we never really knew one another. The horror! So you think I am wrong and “I thought it;” I am such a dick!

When I think about it, I think it is the fact that I MUST state the TRUTH, some hurtful lies, and vent out loud and openly, which “she” has the greatest problem with. I cannot help it though – it is me. Certainly, she can't be that upset about all else. We shared our bed with others when together, and unless she is mentally ill she KNOWS I was with at least two separate women in separate relationships (after we broke up), and having intimate relations with them, while I was with her. And she'd be a fool to think I did not fulfill “odd” fantasies when afforded the opportunity. I really don't think she is that stupid, so it must be my words which BURN HER the most.

She does not like my words and “open” discussion of what she feels only we should discuss, she does not like my “out loud” vents and current thoughts, especially if they happen to hurt, and she does not like me pointing out the obvious truth and/or hypocrisy. In other words, she doesn't like how I handle things. Tough.

Look, either try to read my stuff “outside of yourself” or just forget it – because OUR relationship isn't all about YOU – I was there too. We both did scummy things, at least if we hold to what I personally now believe is a FALSE concept of monogamy and we believe the b.s. that a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP is perfect if it is TRUE. You will never “get me” or anything I say if you hold to a Christian worldview, which means some deeply engraved things you never even thought about (you learned them from our society) and you probably don't want to think about – it effects the comfort zone.

Ooh wow! I said we probably never knew each other, we weren't meant to be, and we had differing opinions that I found difficult. The horror! I said you weren't the BEST! How horrible! Well, if you really gave a shit about “being the BEST” you'd try to be it and you'd try to honestly make my true thoughts CHANGE so that I would express such (if you were to be MY best), but instead you get pissed for me saying what I think. Yeah, you were the BEST in some arenas, but you weren't the all-around best, and I KNOW I was not either, or I'd still be there – wouldn't I? So what is your problem?

Really... the more I think of it the more I think WTF? You aren't keeping me on a string, woman. I'm better than that! If you want anything to do with me you need to do it in accordance with who I am. You need to learn to accept how I deal or debate it logically, because this appeal to emotion shit ain't cutting it anymore. I WILL NOT do it! I know where my feelings stand and I know what I want and what I would like to see, but I WILL NOT waiver – this understanding MUST be part of accepting me. I cannot learn to “get along” with you if you will not accept this, and I fully understand the consequences – but that's the absolute TRUTH to me.

If you want to walk away this is your chance. If you want a friendship, then I suggest you take some time to yourself and sort that out and figure how you can do YOUR THING with me doing mine. I ain't joking, woman. I am old and tired. This IS the best “bridge” I can build for us, anymore – it is it. I don't hate you – I love you, but I need to make peace within myself. If for some reason you wanted something or an opening it is still there in what I offer, but I am laying down my ground rules. I am OVER YOU in that you are a love in a specific space and time. If you want active friendship, then you need to DEAL with what it entails.

I am not joking. I am not just talking or venting in this instance – I am laying it STRAIGHT. This is it. Take it or leave it. And this is not like your ultimatum over Diana – this is REALLY it, so speak and act carefully. As a matter of fact, it appears to me THAT was really it (between us, in that sort of a relationship – or so you mentioned), so you should KNOW what I mean then. I'm not “bluffing” - I am telling you how I really feel and what I really think.

You know? Why am I even bothering? Why am I even responding? Why do I even give a damn if I am the scummy guy she is making me feel I am? Why did I even bother reaching out or altering my original posts? WTF is wrong with me? Am I THAT easily controlled and screwed with? Why do I “care?” if I am everything she claims I am and if she is truly “devastated?” What kind of “sucker” am I? Why try at all? It makes no sense, if she is CORRECT, so what does that mean? I know what it means, but let her do her thing and believe her thing. Why did I even bother answering the email? I'm an ass and I say mean things, right? I ought to be ashamed, right? But “why” would I be, if I am all those things she thinks I am? Why would I even respond and attempt to explain a thing? Why would I even try if she is RIGHT in the things she thinks are TRUE of me?

I'm done with this b.s. I KNOW my truth. I can live with it. I'm done trying to point out the obvious as well. I'm done – I've done all a guy can do. Harp on those mean things I say, take them personally, and do your thing. Just take time off, if you need to, and reevaluate, or do whatever. We are at our last chance to reevaluate things and go from there, from a base, a non intimate base – and that is my last effort. I have nothing more to offer to try to salvage anything.

If you want “friend” Jeff, you can have “friend” Jeff, and even with the stipulation we never speak of the past (I'll make that final concession), but if you can't live with just that, then you need to figure out what to do. You also need to accept that “friends” bitch, vent, and say things friends do, even about YOU – at least that is how GUYS do it, or at least “I” do. I know because you are not my only “ex girlfriend.” I've done this before.

That has the potential to build or destroy a relationship, and that toughness is what a true relationship is made of – I know because I've done it. Granted, I have a daughter (a common love) to keep the peace, but I would think any real love that existed could be just as strong. It doesn't mean you would be relegated to the status in which I view the mother of my daughter, but I do mean you and I need to learn to get along at least that well. We also do have children in our equation.

I am really done, woman. By that I mean I am done fighting and I am done with the past. Let's either try something entirely new and see where that goes or forget it altogether. We are BOTH scum when looking back at what we did to one another, so if anything is to be left – let's be honest and open with one another and try to leave the past where it is. It is there, but it isn't now, at least I don't think so – I don't know how you rationalize things.

You said, “I hope I ain't putting my foot in my mouth, but I want...” Ok. I agree. Let's try that, or forget it altogether. One or the other. If I can wait so many years to do what I WILL do in just a few (my dream trip), do you think I cannot walk away from us and live just fine? In other words, if that is what you truly want but do not know how to do, then do it? – this is also your chance for that.

I so much do not say that to burn you, but to stress my point – I WILL BE FREE regardless of anyone or anything because it is what I want most, which means I WILL be me and I WILL live accordingly. Excuse me a second...

Ok, I just got done explaining to my daughter that she was born with an antenna and a tail, just like her mother! I told her that her mother's tail was 40 feet long and they removed it at birth. Guess what? She KNOWS I am full of crap! My kid gets me. Thank God/dess she gets me!

I say things to make people “feel” better (or laugh), including myself, but sometimes it backfires and hurts people or is heard by the wrong person. Sometimes I use my gift for all the wrong reasons and set out to hurt others, but it is ME. I may mumble, but I am damn good with words when I want to be, and I certainly know how to make people laugh their asses off! I “act” completely ape shit crazy many times just to give people something, to give them “something” to hold on to life. I am a spark or a flame in the lives of many. Maybe you don't like the spark I am giving you? Her mother would probably wonder “on her own subjective level” why I chose her? Many individuals, particularly mothers may find what I said to my daughter particularly evil or wrong, but YOU know I meant it in the best way. I just wanted my daughter to laugh – I knew she knew better. So what if I picked on her mom a little? If she doesn't care and doesn't take it that way, then why should anyone else? She KNOWS we both love her and that I encourage love between us all (her mother, me, and her). She KNOWS, and my past actions have SHOWN, that I love us all and I respect us all.

Can't you see? I don't always say what I mean – I express myself and let it at that. I don't know how else to lay it down. I don't know what else to say. I know how to use words, I know how to make people happy, and unfortunately I also know how to make them sad or upset – I am damn good at it! I am offering a potential solution for us to get back on the right track and learn to get along again – a simple distant friendship with a stipulation that the past is omitted – that is the BEST I can do. Take it or leave it.

I do not always believe everything I say or write, nor do my actions necessarily always prove my words. The best way to judge me is by what I DO, not what I say. I am a lover AND a fighter – remember: I “faint” as well as strike, and sometimes what I “say” is designed to keep the eye in one place while what I “do” (or feel or think) is unseen. If you were a fighter, as well, you'd know to READ BETWEEN THE LINES to see what is really going on. Sometimes all it is is a way to keep going and stay in the fight. There is no good “fighter” who does not use their head more than their body - to think so is sure failure. The TRUTH is always hidden between the lines.

I am fighting to keep my head afloat and my heart alive. I don't expect anyone to understand that but me. You do your thing and react however you feel is appropriate – I WILL live either way. I'm not saying I will be happy if we are done for good, but I will live, I will “get by”, and I will move on regardless. At this point it does not matter to me anymore (because I am too tired and too old and too lonely), but I was under the impression that that was what you wanted all along anyway – me to “get back to me and live life.”

Woman...you moved me, but now I am “here.” Ponder that for an instant.

Peace.

Alraune

Women, Witchcraft, and Weed

 

So why all of this crap about that certain "groovy" hippie chick? Because part of becoming free and finding true individual liberty is in confronting past relationships and how/why they affected you.

You see. I got pretty messed up being a young father and having my relationship ripped apart after five years, then getting with her (my supposed rebound relationship) and losing that after nearly five years. Then I fell for Patrisha (Trish) Neill, had a few flings in between and truly fell in love with Diana Marley.

I ruined them all for that woman because I had not healed from my first love, Tara, and projected it all upon her (that certain woman). The fact is, I never loved her like any other – I merely projected every essence of my love upon her, and it cost me dearly, severely screwed me up, and maybe even caused her to think I was crazy (in the end). She really was not worth it – she proved that!

It took me a very long time to realize this, but it is all true.

I did truly love her (that certain "groovy" woman) with every ounce of my being, but she did not deserve it, and I was not in my right mind to truly provide it. I have spent so long coming to realize this. Let's start simple (and it does not exclude any other supposedly loves)...

First, I want to travel. She was good for that but she loves the system (I do not). She was a woman who could not be happy without television and a couch – I hate that in a woman. I truly hate trying to maintain a relationship with ANYONE who wishes to stay home and plugged in – it just is not me!'

Second, I am polyamorous. None of my other lovers were that I recall, and she might have been the closest (and probably is), but she would never admit it, so she could never confront such a relationship if she cannot “know herself.”

Third, and most importantly, I am not a “it fits me; therefore it is true” kind of guy – she was. I need at least an objective or interjective reason for my beliefs – simply subjective is not good enough – we have a very different core philosophy. It also helps that I understand where mine came from – she has ZERO clue (she merely thinks it is so)..

There is a lot of relational-psychology and also personal philosophy involved here to try to explain this, so let's just say – I woke up (but it took a very long time).

It is important because it is part of freedom and individual liberty!

Basically, and straight and to the point... I loved every woman I was ever with – some more than others; and my psychological issues at those times screwed much of that up. I apologize much to both Trish and Diana. Now I move on...

So far as that certain woman goes... It was good, but you aren't what you think you are, you need knocked down a peg, and you are lucky the Goddess gave you curable cancer – STOP! PAUSE! THINK! You only ever PAY if you act without thinking AND if you refuse to learn from your life's mistakes, which includes eventually learning to “think” right. STOP! Leave everyone else out of the equation – you can do it! Goodbye (that is my final word)!

And enough of that woman forever. We are done. My life now gets better and happier.

I am sorry for hurting you all. I am fixed now and I know what it is up! I "know myself" and I am sorry for hurting those I did.

Peace! Let's all move on. I cursed no one – they cursed themselves.

Let TRUE love come to me.

Peace,

Alraune

Finishing the Kim Thing

Yes, it is true - that certain "groovy" woman was a big part of my life, and I am no longer very fond of her.  It is not that she is a bad woman or things bad need to be spoken of her.  She is a woman who is trying - she should be left alone to do such.  She may think whatever she wishes about me (that is her right and perogative), but I also reserve the right to express my feelings about our relationship and how it had its effect upon me.

First, for all you men or women, she is a great lay - I mean that.  Go for it if you can, because it is nice.  It is not an opportunity you should pass up in this life if you have nothing to lose over it.  She will treat you nice, be very kind to you, do things you never thought another would do, and generally help you to be happy and at least momentarily - fulfilled - she is a blessing of the goddess.  Go for her if you have her - "trust me" you ALL have a chance.  She'll never know what the hell she wants because she refuses to ponder it - she really does.  She is AFRAID of somethings so much and few can help her fears of reality.

Go for it.  Love her and try to make her happy.  She needs you!  She needs you all because she is that scared!

But enough of her.  She was great and I will always love her, but we are done.  I mean done.  I might screw her (and of course hang out with her) to comfort her, but it would take a miracle to love her again.  Frankly I think it would take a miracle for anyone to love her because she is so scared of so many things she could never commit to love in that way.  If "real" love is even what she ever wants...

After so many years, it became more about what I knew she needed than me - that chick needs someone to relieve her FEAR.  If anyone can, please do so.

I cannot help her.  Can you believe that?  I know I cannot.  I hope you are tough and intelligent - have fun.  But don't step on her or I will throttle you.  Do not hurt Emily either or I will be forced to do the same - I respect her and her daugher.  Can I help giving a damn?

Anyway...  Have fun you!  Go with it and get involved.  Treat her nice, because I am done.  It takes time getting over a "crutch" you built, but I figured it out - you should be different.  Bless you all.  This is part of my freedom and part of what makes me the great guy I am and will become.

Beautiful, thank you for making me great and also for hurting me as deeply as you did - you did a great thing.  Goodbye.  I choose to be FREE and you are the bottom of the totem pole on that, but thanks for giving me the courage.  You said, "go ahead and just do it", and they were the greatest words you ever gave me.  I wish you could only know how much those words made me who I am destined to be, and how much they changed my life.  Goddess bless you - you have no clue.

I have so much potential, and you saw it - I just needed to hear it and maybe FACE it.  You aren't evil, you are merely a decent woman "trying" - Goddess bless you from now on.

In the Name of Freya,

Alraune

Finally Over That Woman & a Confession of Polyamory

 

It took me nearly fourteen years, lots of tears, and several other women hurt upon the way, but I am over that certain and somewhat "groovy" hippie chick. I am most certain I am not the only one happy to read this!

I loved this woman, or at least I really and truly wanted too. What I now realize is that I loved nothing about her (or almost nothing), but only the things we did together, which means I never truly loved her!

She was and is nearly the exact opposite of me and that fact made for great times and adventures, but was never meant for a lasting relationship, besides...she never was anything I'd call a trophy, especially having experienced other women beyond her who were much more magnificent “to me”. I do not say that to degrade her, but to make the point that she was not meant for me (we each have our own tastes, and I am sure she has her own as well).

I do not hate that woman (this I want to make clear) though at times in our long past I did, and it was because I was not over her despite our having broke up nearly a decade ago now. I realize now that I got over “her” a long time ago, but our time together and memories is what I did not wish to release to the past. She was fun! She was interesting! She pushed me to be me! She was awesome, but she and I are no more, and the woman I knew, or thought I knew is long gone.

She was and is an awesome woman, but she was never for me and she had her purpose for me, and I with her. Goddess did it hurt for so long, but I finally get it – and not like all those times before. This time I really have no feeling when I say goodbye. Perhaps because it has finally been too long, or maybe because I finally get things?

I used to talk to her on social networks, but I cut that off nearly two months ago and I haven't looked back, nor do I intend too. She tried to attack the real me, and that is unacceptable and also very revealing of where we truly stand – we are truly done.

I cannot begin to express to anyone what sort of freedom this is for me. Perhaps part of that freedom is other realizations, but the one which I speak of is very great. I was a slave to her love for quite some time. I even entertained the idea that she had cast a spell on me (having dated two witches after her with whom both relationships failed because of her existence in my life), or that I had cast it on myself.

I really do not know how to express what went on in my head and heart, but I do know two relationships which could have led somewhere and potentially been happy were destroyed because I was not over her. Rest assured, I have no illusions or anything – those relationships are destroyed and will not happen unless some sort of miracle happens (on both ends), so this is no poor plea for their restoration. I am alone and single and pushing 40. Life sucks, but at least I am free from the slavery of love I once felt.

I guess I didn't just have to give up, I had to decide I did not want it!

I now know the liberation she felt in rejecting me. It is somewhat nice to know you never needed someone you honestly thought you needed – to know that whether they were born or died tomorrow it really made no difference in your world other than a few moments.

Don't get me wrong, I am not that shallow and I realize whatever she had to offer to me is part of me forever, but I obviously do not need her anymore, and it is quite probable that I never did and someone else could have done every single thing she ever did for me. She is obviously, as I now realize, not a necessity, nor even any longer a desire. My knowledge tells me she was for me then, but never meant to be forever and certainly never meant to be for longer than she was.

Another thing that kept me “stuck” was children. She helped to raise my daughter and I helped to raise her's, which is something I will never forget, and I could never not love Emily Jo as if she were my own daughter, but still...even that time is past.

I love Emily and always will; in fact, I will always love those whom I had a close contact with, but that does not mean times cannot come and go and also that I cannot feel different about my relationships. Would Emily even recognize me if she saw me? Would I recognize her? What about her and my daughter recognizing one another? If none of us have known one another for a decade or more how can we even know there is anything beyond what there was a decade ago, or, if there is, that it remains as it did then?

The past truly is the past. How do I know I would like what that woman or her daughter became, or that they would like what my daughter or I became? How could any recent love exist, and if it did, how could any believe it would be of the same type or in the same way?

I'd be crazy to think what was is still there, and I no longer even consider that possibility. I have truly and finally snapped out of the irrational and insane concept of unconditional love. It is truly liberating!

I no longer think about contacting her or wondering if she sent me an email – I don't care. In fact I hope she does not ever send me an email again! Why? Because then I know it is done on her end as well. If she speaks to me then I think there is something there, and there is not. It has been so long since I have known her that I cannot even truly call her a friend. What do I know of her but that of years ago?

I'm free! I realize this now, and I hope somehow someone else who is struggling long term to get over another man or woman reads this and comprehends. Did you truly love them, or was it what you did together? There is a huge difference!

I loved hanging out with that woman, going on adventures with her, dreaming dreams, partying, having fun, and seeking pleasure, but that was nearly everything I loved about her. I realize this now after all this time and damage.

I do not blame her but my upbringing and the false concept of absolute love. Yes! I loved her and always will in her time and place, but there always were and always will be many others whom I love in their time and place as well.

So here's to you! I toast you and say “I am glad to say goodbye”. Please do not ever contact me again for anything (even sex – like that time you broke into my home) unless it is truly important. You are good in bed, but you aren't that damn good that I should destroy my potential relationships or life goals for you. And frankly, your sex is the main thing that made me still want you, and when I think about it, Diana was much more fulfilling – though you and I both destroyed that.

Freedom is mostly in your head, but it is also in your heart. Love yourself enough that you can say goodbye to those you think you love and you just might find freedom – that is my advice!

I refuse to burn any bridges and say any further how I feel or what I think, for I may not feel the same or think differently in the very distant future when I am more mature and nearer the end of my life.

I loved you, woman, and I will always love you in our time and in our place, but I was wrong to love you like that all these years and all this time. I betrayed myself and I betrayed others, as a consequence, in loving you like that. Love does not just belong to another (an observer), it also belongs to a time (a space and moment). Do you understand what I am bleeding to you (for I never said our personalities were not real, but rather our subjective observations of them were incorrect)? Do you understand that I believe we are all a part of the Goddess (the All) and that you and I can only therefore see a part of the truth from a small piece of a perspective (in this manifestation and time)?

I can now say with fervor that I am polyamorous, at least in accordance with space and time, for I have loved your equal in another time although I do not see you that way now, nor never envision it again. Do you understand what I am saying? I do not care if you ever felt the same (it does not matter, for love is not necessarily two-way), I felt and feel as such. I love all my loves in accordance with what I shared with them in the most profound way I can on this physical plane. I also love Mom, Dad, Jesse, Mike, Tara, Digger, Danny (and all my close pets), my relatives and ancestors, Quinton, Kim, Trish, Diana, my other good friends such as Steve, Adam, Butch, Steph, Julie, Jimmy, Jimmy and Jimmy, Zach, Robert, Logan, Josh and Josh, Chris, Chris, Kristy, Angie, Jen and almost all I can name from memory in face and name, then those I've worked with, those I only remember a name or face, and those (at all levels of consciousness) whom I have interacted with whom I share some minor bond with (and in whatever order is precise for the moment and time) – I love them in a more spiritual way.

Is this many loves? Yes it is! Am I evil for such? Hell no! Polyamory is REAL and it is right, in my opinion. So there you have it...I can move on from all my past loves and find happiness because I accept the fact that I have many many loves in many many ways in many many spaces and times.

Does no one see the logic in that? The logic in loving many or all you interact with to varying degrees? The logic in embracing it naturally and carrying the same principle to all natural levels?

In any event, polyamory is a human truth, in my opinion, and this is liberation for me – this realization on many levels. I am a lover, so it is hard for me to understand space and time, making my position on love very difficult to discover.

I'm over you, Beautiful. My Love awaits me.

Peace.

Alraune

Update: I removed that certain "groovy" hippie chick's name so as not to offend her. I'm just blowing off steam and sighting personal subjective reasoning – I mean no harm, hate, or rudeness to others. Apparently, "she" is not done with us because she contacted me via email with many complaints. I will try, as a former lover and a good man and friend to work with her and address "her" and "our" concerns. She just needs to understand that I did truly love her and I always will love her. And I am trying to sort that out in my own way.