Magic Bus Beginning

I must admit, I am truly prosperous to have a woman who loves me and would go just about anywhere with me. I am truly a lucky guy. And god knows I am intrigued by the magic bus trip and I truly do want to do it for at least a year just to see if I find it fulfilling. I want to do this, but I would be lying if I said I do not have reservations. That does not mean I should not go through with it, it only means I am more focused on my concerns over the trip than I am about the potential rewards. I do not like it when I go and do something stupid!

I truly do believe I would want to do this for the remainder of my life, if I just tasted it and learned enough to truly make it my own and to feel secure in it. So I think I truly do want to take this leap, but I do so with some fear and reservation, for it is something I have never done before. There is nothing wrong with that, I think.

But Jen has pushed the idea just a little – she gave a small nudge. I feel she did this because she feels it is right for both her and me. I trust her opinions. Her opinions are closer to my own than they are with most people; therefore, the degree in which I trust her can be directly measured against the amount of trust I would place in myself. That is a fair bit of trust!

Anyway, enough about my life consequences thoughts concerning the magic bus question. I do not think I could say I was ever truly happy with what I did with my life if I did not try to at least experience the potential rewards of such a journey.

So for a few weeks now, we have been having serious discussions about RVing for the remainder of our lives, or rather an extended period of time as yet to be defined. We looked over a few options and truly think the best option for us is to try to buy a used school bus and to convert it into a custom motor home.

There are a few reasons for this decision, not the least of which is affordability and sustainability. First of all, a school bus is one of the safest vehicles you could possibly live out of. The entire passenger compartment of the vehicle is a giant crash roll-cage designed with the safety of children in mind. Second – the economics – the law of supply and demand makes them affordable! Third, you can custom build it yourself, over the course of a period of time, and live out of it while you are doing it, so that you can build your home around your new life; which, is the much more intelligent, convenient, and personally satisfying option, I think. Building your home around your life could only lead to a happy and harmonious home, in my opinion, because it will always be the most sustainable home for you, and it will improve as your sustainability skills improve.

So we decided on a school bus. We already have an idea of what sort of school bus we want. We want a front wheel drive diesel powered and dog-nosed school bus, if such a bus is possible; otherwise we will settle for dog-nosed and diesel. We already determined the short buses are too small for two people, so we are going to toy with finding the correct size in the larger ones. For me, the shortest bus we can get, and still create a comfortable living experience, would be the best length bus. I truly hope to keep it under 30 feet, but I am beginning to think that is not going to happen.

Then I insisted that we purchase tire chains for the school bus (I lived in the Pocono Mountains when I went to school and rode buses with tire chains), and that we have a really good mechanic's tool chest and other necessary tools in the back. I got into security mode and started talking about having hanging areas for backpacks (in case we have to hoof it) and a bike rack on the back to carry one sturdy mountain bike for each of us (to get around without the bus). I went on about options for obtaining money and insisted we have space in the vehicle for folding tables to sell things at festivals.

Jen started talking about solar power, showers, room for beds, toilets, coaches, and desks. We both started talking about kitchens (probably because we both like to cook). So the conversation got onto the interior dimensions of any give bus, specifically the width.

I looked up the dimensions of a school bus, in general, and learned a few things. First, school buses are generally 8 feet wide with about 7 and a half feet of interior space, widthwise. Second, you can get a rough idea concerning the length of a school bus by countng windows. You count the number of windows and multiply by 25 inches, then divide by 12 to get the length in feet. The latter is neither here nor there though, it is only neat knowledge and really won't determine much for us.

So I am going to look up some school bus conversion floor plans today. Last night, I drew up a sort of rough draft, based on a 36 foot school bus with an interior floor area of 28 feet by 7 and a half feet. It turns out I could conceive of something satisfactory that would fit into that area. I would even be able to fit a queen size bed and a 3 foot by 7 and a half foot shed/garage area, along with a dining area, desk, coach, kitchen, shower and tub, a toilet, two closets, and storage area for clothing and odds and ends. It would even have a direct line of sight down the center of the bus and leave a walkway near the size of a normal hallway following the same course. Of course, the drawing did not account for the dimensions of walls and such – it was just a rough idea.

But we have many questions we need to ask and many things to find out. There is much learning to do! We need to know about drivers licenses, insurance, civil rights and classification differences concerning those rights, the possible conversion of the diesel bus into a veggie bus, power options, plumbing options, camping options, kitchen options, and other such things. And finally, for me to figure out whether or not I am "all talk," as Jen put it, or not.

Am I all talk? Can I do this? Can we do this? I want to find out.

Peace,

Alraune

Grand Ideas

Wow! I have been getting way off track. Not that such was a bad thing, but I need to get back on track lest I faulter and fail. Freedom ain't free, ya know? Or so they say!

I've been kicking around ideas of getting my CDL, mostly because Jen and my good friend Steve both suggested it, but also because it makes sense. I can travel and get paid to do so. It is a way to live within the system and get my way, Certainly I must give concessions this way, but it is a way.

I know it is not what I want to do forever – I want to be free, travel AND make money and exist and thrive on my own or with my team in which I am an equal, not for some company and stock holders. Nor do I want to be constricted by government rules and regulations because I am part of and supporting a system I know and fully believe is broken, corrupt, screwed up to no end and destroying humanity itself.

It's a way, among many to get there, and it may work best for me. I'll have to continue to kick around the idea and see what doors open – that's when I know it is meant to be.

I didn't get anything I truly enjoyed because I went looking and chasing. I got such because a door opened and I walked through.

I see life as this: You see a receptacle and you grab a plug that interests you, you try it. If it works you go, if not you move on. A door opens, you make a choice, and that is that. Free will AND a master plan (someone working behind the scenes).

So what is on my mind? Get a good laptop. Try my hand at microstock photography, continue my efforts at blogging and writing and graphic design and get more serious again. Also try my hand at erotica. AND find a new job to supplement things, including trying a risk-free but sensible and the best option at trucking. I figure it is worth a try. Then learn herbalism and learn it good and go from there.

That's my plan. Plus, get myself a van next year, as I had intended.

I can do all of this while planning and plotting with Jennelle, but I need to stay focused on these things, for they are me.

Also, pursue my mystical and magical and paranormal interests – they are me. Incorporate them into my overall focus and aim somehow.

I have to go there, I have to go now. Life is short and I must stay on task.

I need to find some time to meditate and do spiritual things. I need to get back to my time with the God/dess and think and plot and plan and DO. All I need to do it like before, just set aside and hold to one day a week (a lunar phase), for such things. It makes all the difference.

One cannot sit idly by and wait for the world to become what they wish – they must act, somehow and someway and look for open doors. And you can't act properly or see properly if your head is not screwed on correctly, which is a totally spiritual issue, in my opinion.

You have to remember what means what to you. You have to remember where you came from and where you intend to go. Do you not?


You must be strong and recognize yourself.

Let me say a little of myself. I don't know why, but this comes to mind...

Many say, “the female body is beautiful and best to look at” and I quite agree, but the male body has its own beauty. Study it once. Study it carefully. It is a machine – a powerful machine made to work and war and persevere. It is a beautiful machine, but not a mere mechanical machine, an organic machine of sublime, natural and raw beauty.

Look at the shoulders and the way they are built for power. Look at the hips and buttocks and how they are positioned for explosive power and strength – see how the center of gravity is set perfectly in the male body for how it is made. See the arms, their length and their muscle. See the hands and their power to grasp. Notice the chest muscles and how they are made to push away or lift the body upwards. Study the calf muscles and how they are thick and durable and the shape of the thighs designed to propel the legs and the entire body in any direction.

Study the back. Notice the position of the spine and the muscles which push and pull upon it. Again look at the shoulders and the hips and see how they are built for explosive power.

Then look at the feet and see how well they are made to balance the body they hold up and notice the head which sits atop it all. Look at the skull and how it is made thick and aerodynamic for battle. Notice the nose and the ears and the eyes and how they all sit perfectly, not for beauty, but for the purpose of power, cunning, and battle. How they “fit” for sensory perception in compatibility to the body.

See the intensity of the eyes. Look at the roughness of the skin and its softness which knew no battle. Was this because it fought little or because it fought much and left unscathed?

Study the male body for the beauty it was meant to be studied in. Not for childbirth or attraction to gain it, but for power, protection, and cunning.

I look at my own body and it metaphorically describes me, as I believe all physical bodies metaphorically are the manifestations of the true inner self (good and bad). My body is powerful, extremely powerful, and it comes with an equally powerful mind. I am built to work and war and succeed. When anyone sees me they see my physical power, first. They see how I strive and try and fight and I move forward like a bulldozer and press on and do not cease. Without knowing me they may not see any imagination or thought behind my mechanical being, but they do see the mechanical aspect.

Well, that is my mind and spirit! I move steadily forward and plow over my obstacles without fear or worry that I cannot – I simply do. I may not be invincible, but I know enough to know that I am damn near the fact if I am determined enough. I simply have the mechanics: body, mind, and spirit. I am not to be underestimated – ever. I am a force to be reckoned with, not because I say so, but because I am what I am and I am blessed to be. Look out if I am truly determined and want to do it! Better yet, just get out of the way.

Indeed, the beauty of a man is his machine-like qualities combined with his human emotion. I have these in a very potentiating format. Perhaps that is truly what many recognize in me? I can do it, if I truly want too.

I am not trying to talk myself up – I don't need too. I am trying to make a poetic point. That point is that I can and I will – I just don't know how or when just yet. But I know I will – I know it is already written in me and everyone can see it on the surface. So how much more can they see it if they look beneath?

I guess what I am trying to say is all for me and also for those who need to hear it for themselves. Stay on task, stay on focus. FIGHT! THINK! DO! GET THERE! Count on no one and nothing but you, after all it is your dream and your life. You can share it with others, but it is not truly sharing if it is not your's to begin with. That is why it is important to stay on task and stay focused! You have nothing to share if you have nothing to give, and you have nothing to give if you have nothing of your own.

I think I learned this lesson the hard way when I tried to give all of myself to another and just about destroyed myself doing so. I lost all sense of who I was, which is probably the main thing that went wrong – I will not go there again. I cannot afford too. Where I went was too far. I had the right idea, but all of the wrong conclusions.

There is nothing to share if there is no YOU. That is why it is so important to know who YOU are. Freedom starts with YOU! And relationships are like butterflies and the old saying, “If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is your's, if it does not it never was.” What that means is freedom all around. It means true love is sharing and sharing requires freedom and something that is YOU and only YOU to share with the other.

Relationships die two ways: when we lose ourselves and when we lose the “us” and it becomes all about the self. Simple, straight forward, and quite probably fact.

Just let it be.

Strive to be YOU and share what you have to offer with others. Plain and simple.

Can the key to life be that simple?

Alraune

Getting Up Again After a Bad Blow

I can't state enough the condition that I had been in for so long. Much of my life has now been and will always be about getting up again after being severely, violently and brutally pummeled in spirit and mind. The most saddening part is that I do not believe anyone intended to do such to me – I mostly did it to myself.

What I've been through is merely life. I have always been a loving-fighter: a man driven by love for others as much as self. I've always sprung up after being knocked down, but there was at least one time I was knocked down and I never did recover.

The situation is complex and I believe it underlies all other things which I contemplate, complain about, or analyze – it is love. Although many who know me and have heard my words or read them might think it was Kim, it is Tara – the mother of my daughter. Kim was merely an inevitable result of my reaction, rather than action, to how I handled the end of the relationship I had and had wanted between me and the mother of my only child.

I have searched far and wide for answers and I have found some. I have analyzed and blamed myself, blamed others, blamed the system, and generally tried to find the problem and fix it, but it cannot be done. Certainly, I have found many other problems that bug me and have contributed, but in reality the problem is pain, not physical pain, but emotional pain that can never heal – only fade. It is not my pain – it is our pain. How could I possibly fix pain which is not merely my own?

Finding myself saves me, some; successfully fighting to keep my daughter in my life and be a good father saves us, some; getting along with Tara saves us, some; recognizing the hypocrisy and flaws of society saves us, some; and realizing the truth and that I have to get up again some day saves me and my daughter, much, but it is far from over and fixed (if it can ever be such). I don't think anyone can ever know what I mean...

I never got up again.

I found Kim and embraced her because I needed someone, anyone, and she fit the bill. She may have done the same with me for all I know, but that is what I did and why I got hurt even more. I don't think even she realized how badly I had been hurt. How could she? I'm not even sure I did, at the time.

Then I ran to Trish and from her to a few flings, and from them to Diana, and then back to Kim. Such confusion, such ignorance, and only more grief for more people! The poison had set in and I was dying and all I did was poison others, for which all I can grant is my apologies.

It has now been nearly seven years with no significant other, not even a fling and I finally see 'something'. I finally understand 'something'. Is that wrong? Is that too much pain? Is that too much confusion? Is that too much time alone? Is it not enough time to contemplate, face, and heal?

I am lonely. It took me seven years to finally admit it to myself, but I am. I don't know if I can abstain from trying to love any longer. It has been such a 'Long Trip Alone' (as one Dierks Bentley said). I know it is not that I cannot find another (that is impossible in this world and I have already proven to myself I am quite capable of it), but that I refused to do so out of fear for myself, my daughter and the hearts of others. I cannot fix the past, but maybe I can secure something somewhere in the future. Can't I?

I am just so sick of fighting to be free and loved. Maybe I needed this time to discern for myself what exactly that entails and even that that is what I always desired for myself and anyone that I love? It is extremely complex, but I am certain i understand it now better than I ever did, and certainly better than anyone I ever knew had thought they figured.

I have ideas and plans – that is what this blog is about. They may amount to nothing and I may fall again and again, but being who I am I must get up and try. I cannot go on living without at least trying. I look at the wall I constructed showing pictures of my ancestors, offspring, and loved ones and I know that I am here because they kept going and trying again and again.

I feel like I was knocked backwards and beaten to a bloody pulp, kicked, verbally insulted and attacked, spit upon, and whipped with zero regard for my very human feelings or those I care for. I feel emotionally and spiritually raped... I feel as though I was cold-heartedly run through the heart, with a smile on the face of my attacker, abused as a corpse, and then revived by my attacker to relive the moment forever. These feelings are due to many circumstances and individuals (my self and my perspective and underlying philosophical and cultural beliefs included) and no specific individual. I am a large man, trained in martial arts and educated as a bodyguard, so it is very hard for me to even begin to explain what it is like to be beaten so badly – I never experienced such physically. I really have no personal experience to compare this pain, humiliation and suffering too.

As is quite evident from this blog and those who know me, I have no problem laying my heart and mind out for all to see. I quite simply have no way to communicate the pain. I do not want your pity or empathy – I can take care of myself. I just need to say it! I need to lay it out and get it out somehow and some way. I have tried so many times in so many ways for far too long. I have had my butt kicked by life and it hurt badly, but I need to get the hell up NOW! Again, it is hard to even compare in my mind how I should get up, since I have never actually been knocked down. Actually, if you ever think it would be nice to never have been physically beaten up (even by multiple attackers), imagine how you would handle mental and emotional beatings without the comparison – I have none. I have no personal experience by which to compare what I need to convey. Does that mean I should seek it out? Now, that is truly insane and I will not – I need no other such pain. Besides, my reactions are different when I understand everything about the situation – I am far from skilled in relationships although I continue to learn. I really don't know how to get my point across.

I am an angrily loving man, not violent, but intensely, passionately, and almost overpoweringly loving drive. Not the type of love that gets in your face, but that kind of love that gets in a deep relationship. 'Angry' is the wrong word for those who do not know me, but it is probably closest because I am angry for love itself – like Jesus overturning the stands of the money-changers in the Temple. I am pissed off at the lack of love in others and my self. I am pissed off at the lack of understanding and commitment. I am pissed off at pain and violence and destruction – I want peace and love and happiness. I am a man who gives so much space out of love that I get crapped on. I am a man trying to finely balance love for the individual and love for the relationship – that kind of man.

I could never explain that, it must be experienced, but that is me. My words could be taken a thousand ways, but those who know me know precisely what those words mean. I am the closest thing to a true Pacifist there is without being a coward. I am a loving-fighter. Do what you will with your perception and perspective – I know who I am and what I stand for. Enough trying to explain myself. This blog post is not about how I love or I am perceived by a stranger too, but about getting up after a love has gone wrong.

I need to get-up. I need to truly get-up. I have had my time to myself and it has reached the limit of what I can take in self-contemplation. It is time to consolidate what I learned, examine it, plan, and apply it by trying again.

I now know myself much much better. I understand others better. I understand human nature and society better. I have had the benefit of truly raising my own daughter and loving her 50% of the time (after a fight to get that, which it turns out I was right in thinking I needed). I understand my spirituality better and know much more about the core principles behind my thoughts and those of society and other people. I know enough now that I can try again. I may fail, but I have something more to go on and something new to try, which I believe in.

I am able to actually move past specific past relationships and confront the actual past problems associated with them. In other words, I don't need Kim or Tara or Trish or Diana to resolve the past – I just need to understand the relationship, what happened and why. I can actually move forward consciously without hurting another (myself and my daughter included) due to baggage from past relationships and 'try' to love. I actually know what is from then and is not and have an idea how to handle it.

I can face society as a true cynic, knowing that I am an individualist and that “progress” is a term almost no one who espouses has truly thought about; that “conservatism” is phony, and I fit no socio-political mold. I can go forward knowing I believe in something along the lines of “creatio ex deo” for many varied logical reasons, I am a panpsychism, and consciousness goes all the way down, meaning that interrelationships are the heart of every single matter and thus the crux of all experiences of personal heaven and hell.

I was not murdered, I was badly struck. I was burned by the fire of love and life. The burns were extremely bad, extremely painful, and may have even scarred me, but as my life has shown even scars eventually fade and disappear. I cannot take the pain and scars from others, but they will fade and eventually leave myself, so I must trust they will do so for all others.

I need to 'get-up and try'. I need to quite creating excuses to stay down in an attempt to deceive the stronger part of me which demands that I always bounce right up and destroy what has attacked me. I have nothing to destroy, but 'nothingness', and it is time to get up and do so. I now know my assailant and I can finally get up and fight.

This video is amazing as it analyzes true love and the brutalty of it upon the soul (in a metaphoric way, of course), but what is awesome about it is how the man and the woman both throw the chairs (symbolic of sitting still or remaining stationary) at one another and then rush towards one another. It is ultimately about 'getting up and trying' love again. It is truly about trying again despite the pain and suffering – it means it is worth it.

The most difficult thing to fight is your own shadow... Get up with me, my brother or sister – let's TRY!

Peace, love and infinite happiness.

Alraune.

About The Hippie Road Trip Blog

About This Blog

This blog is intended to be my place to generally be myself, maybe vent a little, but mostly to layout my plans for an extended hippie trip, and later to write about my experiences on that journey.

I will begin by writing about the developments, life's lessons, and philosophical underpinnings leading up to my desire to undertake such a journey. I will then spend a good deal of time discussing plans and ideas I have concerning what I refer to as my permanent or extended hippie trip. Later on, and throughout (since all of life is a journey), I will be documenting my journey in real-time. Along the way I'll probably also discuss music, love, life in general, and all the wonderous and glorious things about life, its ups and its downs, etc.

Don't be surprised if this blog flashes back and forth between the here-and-now, plans for the future, and events and memories of the past, as I have no particular order to my own personal madness – I just want to live.

I hope somebody out there enjoys this little piece of me and finds some sort of inspiration, hope, happiness, or entertainment in it. I also hope someone out there gets a good laugh or two, as I am known to be a bit of a goofball.

This is just one part of my story which began in November of 1975, continues to this day, and hopefully has many more years and pages to be written. Would it be too much for me to ask for a happy ending as well? I don't think so.

I leave you with two quotes from Socrates, a man who's style of examination and philosophical inquiry I am quite fond of.

“From virtue comes every good of man.” -Socrates, in Plato's, The Apology

“A man who is good for anything ought not to calculate the chance of living or dying; he ought only to consider whether in doing anything he is doing right or wrong – acting the part of a good man or a bad man.” -Socrates, in Plato's, The Apology

Peace. Alraune.