I can't state enough the condition that I had been in for so long. Much of my life has now been and will always be about getting up again after being severely, violently and brutally pummeled in spirit and mind. The most saddening part is that I do not believe anyone intended to do such to me – I mostly did it to myself.
What I've been through is merely life. I have always been a loving-fighter: a man driven by love for others as much as self. I've always sprung up after being knocked down, but there was at least one time I was knocked down and I never did recover.
The situation is complex and I believe it underlies all other things which I contemplate, complain about, or analyze – it is love. Although many who know me and have heard my words or read them might think it was Kim, it is Tara – the mother of my daughter. Kim was merely an inevitable result of my reaction, rather than action, to how I handled the end of the relationship I had and had wanted between me and the mother of my only child.
I have searched far and wide for answers and I have found some. I have analyzed and blamed myself, blamed others, blamed the system, and generally tried to find the problem and fix it, but it cannot be done. Certainly, I have found many other problems that bug me and have contributed, but in reality the problem is pain, not physical pain, but emotional pain that can never heal – only fade. It is not my pain – it is our pain. How could I possibly fix pain which is not merely my own?
Finding myself saves me, some; successfully fighting to keep my daughter in my life and be a good father saves us, some; getting along with Tara saves us, some; recognizing the hypocrisy and flaws of society saves us, some; and realizing the truth and that I have to get up again some day saves me and my daughter, much, but it is far from over and fixed (if it can ever be such). I don't think anyone can ever know what I mean...
I never got up again.
I found Kim and embraced her because I needed someone, anyone, and she fit the bill. She may have done the same with me for all I know, but that is what I did and why I got hurt even more. I don't think even she realized how badly I had been hurt. How could she? I'm not even sure I did, at the time.
Then I ran to Trish and from her to a few flings, and from them to Diana, and then back to Kim. Such confusion, such ignorance, and only more grief for more people! The poison had set in and I was dying and all I did was poison others, for which all I can grant is my apologies.
It has now been nearly seven years with no significant other, not even a fling and I finally see 'something'. I finally understand 'something'. Is that wrong? Is that too much pain? Is that too much confusion? Is that too much time alone? Is it not enough time to contemplate, face, and heal?
I am lonely. It took me seven years to finally admit it to myself, but I am. I don't know if I can abstain from trying to love any longer. It has been such a 'Long Trip Alone' (as one Dierks Bentley said). I know it is not that I cannot find another (that is impossible in this world and I have already proven to myself I am quite capable of it), but that I refused to do so out of fear for myself, my daughter and the hearts of others. I cannot fix the past, but maybe I can secure something somewhere in the future. Can't I?
I am just so sick of fighting to be free and loved. Maybe I needed this time to discern for myself what exactly that entails and even that that is what I always desired for myself and anyone that I love? It is extremely complex, but I am certain i understand it now better than I ever did, and certainly better than anyone I ever knew had thought they figured.
I have ideas and plans – that is what this blog is about. They may amount to nothing and I may fall again and again, but being who I am I must get up and try. I cannot go on living without at least trying. I look at the wall I constructed showing pictures of my ancestors, offspring, and loved ones and I know that I am here because they kept going and trying again and again.
I feel like I was knocked backwards and beaten to a bloody pulp, kicked, verbally insulted and attacked, spit upon, and whipped with zero regard for my very human feelings or those I care for. I feel emotionally and spiritually raped... I feel as though I was cold-heartedly run through the heart, with a smile on the face of my attacker, abused as a corpse, and then revived by my attacker to relive the moment forever. These feelings are due to many circumstances and individuals (my self and my perspective and underlying philosophical and cultural beliefs included) and no specific individual. I am a large man, trained in martial arts and educated as a bodyguard, so it is very hard for me to even begin to explain what it is like to be beaten so badly – I never experienced such physically. I really have no personal experience to compare this pain, humiliation and suffering too.
As is quite evident from this blog and those who know me, I have no problem laying my heart and mind out for all to see. I quite simply have no way to communicate the pain. I do not want your pity or empathy – I can take care of myself. I just need to say it! I need to lay it out and get it out somehow and some way. I have tried so many times in so many ways for far too long. I have had my butt kicked by life and it hurt badly, but I need to get the hell up NOW! Again, it is hard to even compare in my mind how I should get up, since I have never actually been knocked down. Actually, if you ever think it would be nice to never have been physically beaten up (even by multiple attackers), imagine how you would handle mental and emotional beatings without the comparison – I have none. I have no personal experience by which to compare what I need to convey. Does that mean I should seek it out? Now, that is truly insane and I will not – I need no other such pain. Besides, my reactions are different when I understand everything about the situation – I am far from skilled in relationships although I continue to learn. I really don't know how to get my point across.
I am an angrily loving man, not violent, but intensely, passionately, and almost overpoweringly loving drive. Not the type of love that gets in your face, but that kind of love that gets in a deep relationship. 'Angry' is the wrong word for those who do not know me, but it is probably closest because I am angry for love itself – like Jesus overturning the stands of the money-changers in the Temple. I am pissed off at the lack of love in others and my self. I am pissed off at the lack of understanding and commitment. I am pissed off at pain and violence and destruction – I want peace and love and happiness. I am a man who gives so much space out of love that I get crapped on. I am a man trying to finely balance love for the individual and love for the relationship – that kind of man.
I could never explain that, it must be experienced, but that is me. My words could be taken a thousand ways, but those who know me know precisely what those words mean. I am the closest thing to a true Pacifist there is without being a coward. I am a loving-fighter. Do what you will with your perception and perspective – I know who I am and what I stand for. Enough trying to explain myself. This blog post is not about how I love or I am perceived by a stranger too, but about getting up after a love has gone wrong.
I need to get-up. I need to truly get-up. I have had my time to myself and it has reached the limit of what I can take in self-contemplation. It is time to consolidate what I learned, examine it, plan, and apply it by trying again.
I now know myself much much better. I understand others better. I understand human nature and society better. I have had the benefit of truly raising my own daughter and loving her 50% of the time (after a fight to get that, which it turns out I was right in thinking I needed). I understand my spirituality better and know much more about the core principles behind my thoughts and those of society and other people. I know enough now that I can try again. I may fail, but I have something more to go on and something new to try, which I believe in.
I am able to actually move past specific past relationships and confront the actual past problems associated with them. In other words, I don't need Kim or Tara or Trish or Diana to resolve the past – I just need to understand the relationship, what happened and why. I can actually move forward consciously without hurting another (myself and my daughter included) due to baggage from past relationships and 'try' to love. I actually know what is from then and is not and have an idea how to handle it.
I can face society as a true cynic, knowing that I am an individualist and that “progress” is a term almost no one who espouses has truly thought about; that “conservatism” is phony, and I fit no socio-political mold. I can go forward knowing I believe in something along the lines of “creatio ex deo” for many varied logical reasons, I am a panpsychism, and consciousness goes all the way down, meaning that interrelationships are the heart of every single matter and thus the crux of all experiences of personal heaven and hell.
I was not murdered, I was badly struck. I was burned by the fire of love and life. The burns were extremely bad, extremely painful, and may have even scarred me, but as my life has shown even scars eventually fade and disappear. I cannot take the pain and scars from others, but they will fade and eventually leave myself, so I must trust they will do so for all others.
I need to 'get-up and try'. I need to quite creating excuses to stay down in an attempt to deceive the stronger part of me which demands that I always bounce right up and destroy what has attacked me. I have nothing to destroy, but 'nothingness', and it is time to get up and do so. I now know my assailant and I can finally get up and fight.
This video is amazing as it analyzes true love and the brutalty of it upon the soul (in a metaphoric way, of course), but what is awesome about it is how the man and the woman both throw the chairs (symbolic of sitting still or remaining stationary) at one another and then rush towards one another. It is ultimately about 'getting up and trying' love again. It is truly about trying again despite the pain and suffering – it means it is worth it.
The most difficult thing to fight is your own shadow... Get up with me, my brother or sister – let's TRY!
Peace, love and infinite happiness.