The other day Jen and I were talking about a campfire (our therapy sessions) and she said something that rang true with me. She said that I am afraid to "hope." She named it! She hit the disease I placed upon myself and all of my luck right on the head!
Once upon a time something happened that made me afraid to hope as I used to, and ever since my luck has been bad. No one cursed me, I hindered myself. I am a "hoper," but something went horribly wrong to distort my gift for hope.
That is why sometimes things go right and sometimes things go wrong that I hope for: I am psychologically making them and hindering them. I am cursing myself, for after all, a curse has no power if you do not make it so yourself!
I have the power of hope and it can both make and break. That one simple statement said so much and ran straight through me. She is so right! I love her so much. Why could no one else tell me this? Why could no one else tell me exactly what I needed to hear? Perhaps it is because she is my hope? Perhaps because I needed her to give me my hope back after I just had a little – a small flower of hope?
Now, certainly life can throw you curveballs, but it cannot break your hope unless you allow it too, and you never quit unless you give-up. I have ben giving up, and I never knew it, for it is totally against my will and my being, and SHE saw it.
She sees my strength. Jen sees how firm I am and all of the strength and energy that radiates through me and she does not wish to devour it, but wishes to make it larger. She is a true love and I deserve her! Damn it! I deserve all of her! I deserve every ounce of this beautiful spirit! I deserve her and I have her, and she deserves me in all I am.
Jen is not too good to be true, she is perfect. Jen is everything I always wanted and everything I could never express that I wanted. True love does exist and I will not be hurt by loving. It is okay to love and okay to hope. Even if she left me tomorrow, she is everything I deserve HERE and NOW. I need her and I love her, and I have hope for her, and I always did.
It is okay. It is okay. It is okay to hope. It is okay to have big dreams and to chase them. It is okay to dare to live and dare to love. It is okay.
"Life sometimes sucks, but it is going to be alright."
You can have the wildest and craziest dreams and "hope" does happen. Life hits you in the face and says, "I am unreal, but I am here."
Jen is something else, and she is living hope. She is my hope and I am her perpetual energy that cannot be contained. I am that energy. I am that something that moves her and propels her along, for some unknown reason. We are hope! God/dess I don't really know what I am saying, but I see it.
All I know is she is right, I became afraid to hope, and it needs to stop! I deseve Jen, she deserves me, and we deserve true and total hapiness – this I know.