Saturday, September 13, 2014

Working for Walmart as an Unloader

Certainly, not all Walmarts are like the one I worked at for three years, are they? I worked as an unloader and back-up Backroom Supervisor at the Walmart (#2185) in Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania from 2011 until 2014. This is my story...

First, I waited until the very last moment to apply to Walmart because I knew they would hire me if I needed a job for Christmas money, and I was right. I applied with them in November and was brought in for an interview at the very beginning of December. They rushed me through two interviews in the same day and gave me a job offer on-the-spot, provided that I passed their pre-employment drug screen. Naturally, I passed their test designed to invade my privacy and was immediately given a formal job offer!

I was hired as an unloader (receiving associate) and I was given thirty-two hours a week (you have to pull teeth for full-time at Walmart) of work at a whopping $7.80 an hour, which I later learned had recently been slashed from a starting pay of $8.20 an hour just three months before I started. My shift would be from 4pm until 1am with a one hour unpaid lunch, but first I would have to go through orientation.

My orientation was my first cult-like meeting where I learned all about how great Walmart is, heard untold praises of Sam Walton (who would probably puke if he were still alive), and was thoroughly and rigorously brainwashed the entire time on how evil unions are and how great it is not to have a union because they do everything to screw you while Walmart only rewards you for your hardwork and commitment. This all culminated with a meeting with the store manager, who went on and on about unions, and then was shown a video called "Protect Your Signature", which once again showed me just how evil unions are and how great Walmart is.

I made it through that brainwashing campaign and was set to begin work. They wanted me to start the next day, but I talked them into giving me one day off to readjust my sleep since I would be working from 4pm until 1am and I had just done a 7am to 4pm. They agreed and all was well. I worked two days later and didn't really mind it, I actually thought it was pretty easy.

The first thing that I realized about Walmart was that there were cameras everywhere (mostly focused on the employees) and everything, I mean everything, was locked and required a key, and there simply weren't enough tools available for anyone to efficiently do their job. In other words, my employer already did not trust me (they needed to spy on me like Big Brother) and they were hell bent on stressing me out by making it as difficult as possible to do my job (lack of tools, everything is locked and requires keys for access, no room to move, etc.). Being a somewhat intelligent guy who had been working since he was 12 years old (I am now 39), I was naturally apprehensive about what I may have gotten myself into.

I pushed forward and didn't mind it so much (I could deal with it) until about February 2012, when my local Walmart in Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania decided it was going to change over into a Super Walmart. It was at this point that I had finally been at Walmart long enough to figure much of it out and to realize that this was going to be a nightmare of epic proportions! I had now been at Walmart for about three months and I was out of my probationary period. I was given my evaluation andto be totally honest (as you will eventually read about)I began to realize that I was very very much loved by management. This did not surprise me, as I am not afraid of work nor am I able to not work hard or stay busy – it simply bores me to even try.

When I started at Walmart the typical job of the unloader was thus: 1) You unload a 53' trailer by hand (no forklift or pallet jacks, with the exception of perhaps a few pallets); 2) You sort the boxes and stack them on pallets by hand (typically anywhere from 1000 to 2000 boxes) in accordance with the department the boxes go to; 3) you pull the pallets to the salesfloor; 4) You finish all of that and then pick merchandise from the back room and pull those pallets to the salesfloor. If there happens to be no truck (called a "no truck night") you stock shelves all day and then do "picks" at night until it is time to go home.

When I started at Walmart we would typically unload the truck for the first four hours of the shift, pull freight for the first two hours after lunch, and then pick merchandise for the remaining two hours of the day. There was a lot of walking involved (typically about 4-5 miles per day) while carrying or pulling weight. If you happened to be the person "throwing the truck" (which I would later become the regular for) you would be consistantly lifting between 1000 to 2000 boxes (pre Supercenter) for about 4 hours, which would equal about 250 boxes per hour at anywhere between a few ounces to as much as fifty pounds, with probably an average weight of ten pounds. That is four ten pound boxes per minute, or one every fifteen seconds for four hours straight. Most people are totally incapable of that feat, which is actually child's play to me anymore, but read on and see.

Between October and December all of this walking and work would double, for the holidays, because every night or nearly every night we would get in two large trucks. So for, $7.80 an hour one would be unloading two trailers and walking some 8-10 miles per day. Only seasoned backpackers (which I am one) or soldiers typically walk that far in a day, especially while carrying or pulling weight – it is actually quite far to walk and very tiring. Once we became a Supercenter we easily made that sort of milage 1½ to 2 times that distance (8-10 or as much as 16-20 miles per day, usually about 13-15 miles per day) a regular occurance. The "thrower" (almost always me) would be expected (once we became a Supercenter) to pick up no less than 1000 boxes per hour and place them on the line (at an average of ten pounds per box) and to finish each truck (regardless of the size) in two hours or less. That is about one box every 3 seconds which is bordering on doing ten pound repetitions with a dumbell for 2 hours straight (most weight-lifters cannot do that!). Remember! After that you would have to walk as much as ten miles. It was like a marathon every night for $8.60 an hour (which is the pay I finished with).

We would typically have 6 people unloading the truck by hand, which means (if all of them made an average of $8 an hour) they each got paid $16 to unload a 53' trailer of loose boxes, by hand, in two hours. Put that way... who wouldn't want to do that, or rather, who would say "sure, that sounds reasonable to me"? I mean, after all, you can buy a lot for $16, right?

So anyway, let me give you the highlights of my job. In August of 2012 we had to clear pallets out of the former Tire and Lube Express "pit" and haul pallets around the outside of the building, through the parking lot to the Tire and Lube Express to be put on clearance. Each trip was about mile (round-trip). We did this for 8 hours in 100 degree heat and humidity, with a heat index of 110F – we had to "beg" upper management to be given water. My boss, Chris, the back room supervisor at the time, was demoted that fall because he refused to get us to work harder and faster. In came Colby, who I called "Houdini" because he disappeared all day while I ran the crew as a back-up and did not receive pay as a supervisor. Colby was later promoted to a job as Zone Supervisor and then became an Assistant Manager.

When Colby was given the Zone Supervisor job the Back Room Supervisor job came open. I took the test and passed it, I had no coachings (not even a verbal), I was the second most senior unloader, I knew the job inside out and did it as back-up when the actual supervisor was not there. The job was given to an outsider and I wasn't even given an interview!!! Policy is that I should have at least gotten an interview, which is probably why they hurried to give me one after the fact. Was it because I sucked as an employee or that I could not lead? Nope. Read on and see how much they liked me and how good I was at whipping the team into shape.

As I said, all of upper management knew I pretty much ran the back room and did the job of supervisor – they even acknowledged this to me on numerous occassions. So why not give me the job? Because they wanted me "throwing" that truck! I threw truck every day I worked for two years straight. I got the team to listen. I coordinated the team. I made everyone laugh and gave them morale despite the depressing and stressful conditions.

I was up for Support Manager, and once again I was passed over because I had a verbal coaching for attendance. They told me if I would fix my attendance they would give me a promotion (two strikes for Walmart) – I was livid. I started calling off whenever I felt like it. Ultimately I came up for Support Manager again and was passed up for attendance reasons again (probably my fault this time, but three strikes – Walmart is out). I quite caring.

It took them a year to even give me a verbal coaching because they wanted me there that badly. They fired other employees for missing 6 days, but overlooked my 13 (no need for a union, right?). They wrote people up for all sorts of stuff but never said a word to me. It was unfair and wrong and that is Walmart!

Then, in April of 2014 my daughter was raped by her step-grandfather. I had to call off because she was having panic attacks. All of the sudden Walmart had an issue and eventually, they fired me in September. That is Walmart in a nutshell!

I worked my tail off for 3 years, got arthritis in my left shoulder, broke my glasses (and did not get reimbursed), received numerous cuts and scrapes and was hit in the head by numerous heavy boxes, got passed over for promotion, and ultimately was fired because my daughter needed me – that is Walmart. They even wrote my girlfriend up because a pallet jack ran over her foot and broke her toe, they said it was a "safety" issue! I also watched them fire an Assistant Manager (Scott) because he called-off to help his son who was stranded in another state. They asked him, "Which is more important to you, your job or family?" He said, "My family." and was fired. They also fired a Support Manager (Kevin) because he put in a two week notice that he would be working for Weis Markets (a competitor). The most recent Support Manager (Raymond) consistantly was written up because he had to take off for cancer treatments. A great family-oriented place, don't you think?

Oh, and don't get me going on safety! Unloading a Walmart truck is the most unsafe practice anyone can undertake. For starters, in the summer a trailer can be as much as 120F and you have to "throw" so many boxes per hour in that heat. My shirt was soaked in sweat nearly everyday. I'm certain video exists somewhere of it, since there are cameras everywhere. The trucks are stacked like crap with loose freight. The idiots at the distribution center will put heavy stuff on top of the stacks (usually stacks that are 7-8 feet high), a trailer once came in with writing on the wall that said, "What kind of stupid puts heavy stuff on top? Stop trying to kill us!" I have been hit in the head with 4 one gallon paint cans, a microwave, glass canning jars, canned dog food, furniture (a bookshelf, I think), and numerous other objects. I was lucky to dodge a loose claw hammer and also numerous loose kitchen knives. One day I had to run to the eyewash station because I got carpet cleaning powder in my eyes because it was spilled in a break pack and exploded everywhere when I placed it on the line. There are spills on nearly every truck: paint, bleach, ammonia (yes ammonia and bleach spills on the same truck), rancid food, bugs, etc. One former unloader (Justin) had paint spilled on him and his shoes and was told that he shouldn't go home and change, but rather put "booties" on his shoes so he wouldn't track paint through the store when pulling freight.

When we changed over from a regular Walmart to a Supercenter we had a temporary ramp outback in the receiving area. It was a grade I am fairly certain was more than is allowed by law, made of stones with a metal sheet over it, no railing, and a huge drop off to the one side (enough to flip a forklift). When I told management I was uncomfortable with driving on this ramp I was told to "Suck it up!"

I witnessed first-hand (and even did it myself) many employees, including members of management taking the power equipment onto the salesfloor without a spotter, and was told on more than one occassion to break company policy in order to get the job done. As a matter of fact, when we changed over from a regular Walmart to a Super Walmart we had an emergency door outback (in receiving) that was bolted shut on the outside and remained with the signage that it was an emergency door for several weeks before I even noticed it and reported it to management.

Aisles are routinely blocked off in the back room so handicapped persons could not possibly pass through them in the event of a fire. Everyone there knows this! If you work at Walmart you will be underpaid, underappreciated, and subjected to high levels of unnecessary stress and potentially hazardous conditions.

This has been my personal experience while working at the particular Walmart I worked at, during the period in which I worked at it, and I do not mean that every Walmart is to be construed as being like this, are they? However, in my opinion, one should 'Protect Your Signature' and never sign any document accepting employment with that store.

Who wouldn't want to work for Walmart? Walmart is a great corporation to work for with plenty of room for advancement (maybe if you are a lazy tyrant), great competitive pay (maybe if you are competing with five year olds slaving away for sixteen hours a day for pennies a day in some forgeign country), a pleasant and team-oriented work environment (maybe if you enjoy gossip, backstabbing, screwing-the-next-guy, souless crushing of peers for their "perceived" competition, and a "cult-like" atmosphere), so much love and care for employees and their safety that you need no union (which is probably why everyone is smiling from ear to ear – maybe NOT!), excellent benefits (that is, if you don't want dental work done and you are still eligible for welfare assistance, which they will be more than happy to help you obtain), and regular quarterly bonuses (unless a customer gets injured by a box of tissues that falls off the shelf – one accident that you have no control over and your bonus is completely gone or turns into a whopping $16).

I am "rehirable", and believe me they would take me back in a flash! The only reason I ever got fired was because I pushed the issue extremely far and local management was finally unable to stop the pressure coming from the top down. However, I will never work there again, nor will I ever shop there again (I used to all the time). I would rather eat out of a dumpster than work for or support that company in any way, shape, or form.

Peace and Knowledge,


Coming to Terms With Sex and Sexuality

I am a sex fiend. I love sex and it is a large part of my life. I am an extremely sexual being and sex plays a major role in many things I do and many thoughts I have. It is not that I only think of sex, but sex and my sexuality play a major role in who I am, what I do, and what I enjoy. Sex is extremely important to me and I have come to terms with this fact.

I was raised to control my sexuality and to suppress it, but I have over the years decided that it is perefectly alright to control my sexuality, but to suppress it is harmful to me and very wrong. I do not believe I should suppress my sexuality, nor will I suppress it any longer where it is not harmful of myself or others.

Sex feels really good and it makes others feel really good. I am aware that some things which feel good can be wrong, but most things which feel good are right, and I think sex, the better part of the time, is one of those things which feels good and is right. I do not think anyone should suppress their sexuality or their sexual urges when they do no harm to them or to others.

I have a collection of pornography magazines and movies and books about sex and sexuality and I keep them hidden away, and I think that is messed up. Why should I have to hide my love for sex and my sexuality from others when it is a good thing and a right thing? Granted, it is not everyone's business, nor do I necessarily want it to be, but why should I feel the need to keep it all hidden away, and why does society teach that it should be hidden away?

Why do we display books that we read and movies that we watch openly in our homes, but we keep certain ones, particularly of the sexual variety, hidden away? Granted, some people and children should not see or read these things, but why do we not treat them as we do dangerous objects or tools? I wonder these things.

Certainly, it would make more for a conversational piece among most people if we openly displayed these things as well, without shame, and without care for what another finds sexually appealing or what another knows concerning such matters. Why do we, as adults, hide away such a major part of our lives?

I know why, yet I question as to whether or not is is right for us all or healthy for a society. Wouldn't we all be much happier if we could be more open about such and if others could catch a glimpse of such? Perhaps not if our families could, particularly of the religious or traditional kind, but among our friends or even many strangers? I wonder these things from time-to-time.

There is excitement in hidden things, but how much fulfillment can be gained from them? Is not fulfillment inter-relational? I think it is, and that is why I always insist on sharing my total and true sexuality with those I love and those whom I am sexually active with. But are we missing out on even more by not being more open around other adults? I wonder this.

Would not our sex lives be more fulfilling if others (perhaps friends, strangers, and certainly spouses) knew what things excite us sexually? Why is it shameful when there is nothing wrong with it?

Maybe I am just sick of the way society tries to hide every little thing and tries to control us all by isolating little pieces of ourselves from everyone else?



Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Deserve Happiness

The other day Jen and I were talking about a campfire (our therapy sessions) and she said something that rang true with me. She said that I am afraid to "hope." She named it! She hit the disease I placed upon myself and all of my luck right on the head!

Once upon a time something happened that made me afraid to hope as I used to, and ever since my luck has been bad. No one cursed me, I hindered myself. I am a "hoper," but something went horribly wrong to distort my gift for hope.

That is why sometimes things go right and sometimes things go wrong that I hope for: I am psychologically making them and hindering them. I am cursing myself, for after all, a curse has no power if you do not make it so yourself!

I have the power of hope and it can both make and break. That one simple statement said so much and ran straight through me. She is so right! I love her so much. Why could no one else tell me this? Why could no one else tell me exactly what I needed to hear? Perhaps it is because she is my hope? Perhaps because I needed her to give me my hope back after I just had a little – a small flower of hope?

Now, certainly life can throw you curveballs, but it cannot break your hope unless you allow it too, and you never quit unless you give-up. I have ben giving up, and I never knew it, for it is totally against my will and my being, and SHE saw it.

She sees my strength. Jen sees how firm I am and all of the strength and energy that radiates through me and she does not wish to devour it, but wishes to make it larger. She is a true love and I deserve her! Damn it! I deserve all of her! I deserve every ounce of this beautiful spirit! I deserve her and I have her, and she deserves me in all I am.

Jen is not too good to be true, she is perfect. Jen is everything I always wanted and everything I could never express that I wanted. True love does exist and I will not be hurt by loving. It is okay to love and okay to hope. Even if she left me tomorrow, she is everything I deserve HERE and NOW. I need her and I love her, and I have hope for her, and I always did.

It is okay. It is okay. It is okay to hope. It is okay to have big dreams and to chase them. It is okay to dare to live and dare to love. It is okay.

"Life sometimes sucks, but it is going to be alright."

You can have the wildest and craziest dreams and "hope" does happen. Life hits you in the face and says, "I am unreal, but I am here."

Jen is something else, and she is living hope. She is my hope and I am her perpetual energy that cannot be contained. I am that energy. I am that something that moves her and propels her along, for some unknown reason. We are hope! God/dess I don't really know what I am saying, but I see it.

All I know is she is right, I became afraid to hope, and it needs to stop! I deseve Jen, she deserves me, and we deserve true and total hapiness – this I know.



Monday, June 2, 2014

25 Famous Bisexual People

Sometimes one can feel more comfortable being their self if they are sure they are not alone in how they feel, act, and behave. I am bisexual, as are many individuals in this world, but it can often seem to be a lonely or confusing state – an inbetween state even. Here is a list of fifty bisexual people (12 men and 13 women) to make you more comfortable, as I am, in your sexuality and sexual identity:

  1. Hans Christian Andersen (4/2/1805-8/4/1875) – writer
  2. Billie Joe Armstrong (born 2/17/1972) – singer, Green Day
  3. Drew Barrymore (born 2/22/1975) – actress
  4. David Bowie (born 1/8/1947) – musician
  5. Marlon Brando (4/3/1924-7/1/2004) – actor
  6. William S. Burroughs (2/5/1914-8/2/1997) – writer
  7. Margaret Cho (born 12/5/1968) – American Comedian
  8. Joan Crawford (3/23/1904-5/10/1977) -actress
  9. Aleister Crowley (10/12/1875-12/1/1947) – famous occultist
  10. Sammy Davis, Jr. (12/8/1925-5/16/1990) – entertainer
  11. James Dean (2/8/1931-9/30/1955) – American actor
  12. Fergie (Stacy Ann Ferguson) (born 3/27/1975) – singer, Black-eyed Peas
  13. Megan Fox (born 5/16/1986) – American actress
  14. Lady Gaga (born 3/28/1986) – singer
  15. Nathaniel Hawthorne (7/4/1804-5/19/1864) – writer
  16. Katharine Hepburn (5/12/1907-6/29/2003) – American actress
  17. Angelina Jolie (born 6/4/1975) – American actress
  18. Janis Joplin (1/19/1943-10/4/1970) – singer, Big Brother and the Holding Company
  19. Alfred Kinsey (6/23/1894-8/25/1956) – biologist and sexologist
  20. Calvin Klein (born11/19/1942) – fashion designer
  21. Lindsay Lohan (7/2/1986) – American actress
  22. Freddie Mercury (9/5/1946-11/24/1991) – singer, Queen
  23. Nicki Minaj (12/8/1983) – singer
  24. P!nk (born 9/8/1979) – singer
  25. Anna Nichole Smith (born 11/281967-2/8/2007) – actress

Being "bi" does not mean you are secretly homosexual or that you are somehow unable to choose your sexuality and sexual preference. It simply means that you prefer the company and companionship of both genders and that you are sexually attracted to both men and women. Most bisexuals prefer one gender more often than the other, but bisexuals such as myself, may also prefer both genders equally. How much one prefers one gender over the other may change over the course of the individual's lifetime, but that does not mean the individual is confused or in some sort of denial – it merely means that people change. Many bisexuals are in a constant state of flux, while others, such as myself, remain largely unchanged in their preferences.

For more information on bisexuality I suggest that you visit the Bisexual Center or go to, or you may find support through the LGBT.



Saturday, May 17, 2014

Feeling Free

The Feeling of Freedom

There are certain things in this life which make me feel free. I guess one could say that living is what makes me feel free; after all, isn't freedom really a feeling or a state of mind? But sometimes I think simply saying that I am "living" or "alive" is oversimplified, and I want to list things even though such a list can be as equally undescriptive.

I suppose I am just too informed about what is going on around me and in me, and I get it – I see the control. So it is a constant struggle for me, feeling free. I can't let it go, I see too much. I am grown and evolved; I am aware and alive; I am alert and aroused; and I am active and feeling.

So at risk of being undescriptive and misleading in exactly what I mean, I present a sort of list. This list should be understood in conjunction with it's equally oversimplified summary of "I am alive." None of it is the sum total of what I am trying to communicate, but it all gets the reader a little closer to what it is that I believe constitutes "feeling free."

I feel free when I can be myself unrestricted and unpressured by outside influences, including those outside influences which have been programmed into me as who I should be or how I should act. I feel free when I rebel against those influences, not for the sake of rebellion, but because I am consciously aware that my rebellion is truly who I wish to be or what I wish to do. I feel free when I have no guilt brought about by sinning against myself; that is, my true self, not who I have been programmed to be or how I have been programmed to act. In other words, I feel free when I am acting as a spirit with freewill and not some biochemical robot who has been programmed with a bunch of IF, THEN, and GOTO commands.

I feel free when I take the time to question everything: every feeling, every worry, every desire, and every hinderance. I feel free when I know myself: physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I feel free when I know my environment: where I belong, my orientation and direction, my resources, and my physical world. I feel free when I know my society: what society is, how society works, what the purpose of society is, and what parts of me are actually society. I feel free when I know I am not a tool for society, but society is the tool is was meant to be for me and everyone else who chose to be a member (if choosing membership in our modern society is even possible).

I feel free when I am outdoors – that is my physical environment! I feel free when I am in the analytical mind and in my spirit. I feel free when I can find and make my own food and medicine, and provide my own necessities of life. I feel free when I am listening to music or making my own. I feel free when I can smoke whatever or drink whatever or ingest whatever, as I wish too, when I wish too, and without fear of reprisal. I feel free when I can fully express my sexuality. I feel free when I can fully express my emotions. I feel free when I can take full control over my own consciousness and expand it in whatever manner or way I choose!

I feel free when I am naked, not just physically, but on every level and in every way. I feel free when I feel innocent (without guilt). I feel free when those around me feel as I do and they see and accept who I am, what makes me myself, and what it is that makes me feel free. I feel free when I am only concerned with what really and truly matters in my life and all the unnecessary B.S. is removed from my concern so as to eliminate unnecessary stress and anxiety.

I feel free knowing how society controls each and everyone of us. I feel free knowing that we are controlled through the creation of unnecessary stress and anxiety in order to steal energy and generate a passive, apathetic, or docile state. I feel free knowing that we are controlled through the creation of false guilt, false self-awareness, and a false sense of esteem. I feel free knowing that life is not what we are programmed and lead to believe, but it is so much simpler and so much more exciting. I feel free knowing that it is not about society, but society is about "us"!

I believe it was Janis Joplin who said, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." I've often thought about that lyric, and I never quite believed it extended much past talk of love, relationships, and matters of the heart, but I can see where it applies to what I am trying to say, if for nothing, then as the beginnings of understanding what it is that feeling free truly is.

Freedom cannot be bottled-up and taken away. Freedom cannot be imprisoned. Feeling free can be bottled-up, taken away, and imprisoned, but freedom is our natural state and natural right. You can't take freedom, but you can take the feeling, and if you take the feeling, then there is no perception of it except what your captor provides you. Freedom is perceived and known through feeling. Perhaps that is why the philosopher Christian de Quincey intrigues me so much? He, like other philosophers, insists that "feeling" is just as relevant a form of knowing as any other perception; indeed, it may be the most important.

Freedom is one of those states of existence that means nothing without feeling it. We are not free because of a right or a piece of paper (our Constitution), or because of a flag, or even because someone died in some war over natural resources or money or ideologies. We are free when we feel free, and we feel free when we think and do as ourselves.

So, in closing, I would say if you want to be free and you want to feel free, find yourself, know yourself, and then be yourself. Damn everything that makes you not be yourself! Freedom is not money, or a job, or a privilege, or something on a piece of paper, or anything which can be controlled or taken. Freedom is a state of mind. Feeling free is merely living and perceiving that very state of mind!

Peace & Happiness,


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Sexual Assault, Society, and Anarchy

One of the more common arguments against anarchism or any form of less or smaller governmental power and control is the irrational declaration that more crimes will be committed and the weak and innocent will not be protected. On the contrary, it is my feeling that the weak and innocent will be if not equally, then quite possibly more cared for than they are in our so-called civilized modern society. I will use the crime of sexual assault as an example and compare the natural reaction to the "civilized" reaction and permit the reader to judge for their self which reaction is more efficient and satisfactory.

Before I do so though, let me state that I am well aware that our current civilized societies have programs that do aid the weak and innocent and which often can protect them, but these programs come with a trade-off. These programs are only possible because of law and order and social structures. The trade-off is that law and order and social structures bind the hands and the mind, and often create new problems, and many times make it so that cheap deceptive masks must be thrown into society so that the reality can be repressed rather than actually dealt with in an efficient, timely, and quite natural order.

Let us assume that in our example a young autistic girl has been sexually assaulted by a close relative or a friend of the family, as is most often the case. Let us assume that we know for a fact who the perpetrator is. The girl has been raised decently and knows the difference between "good touches" and "bad touches," and like many autistic children, is not particularly prone to lying.

Let us further assume that this young girl went directly to her mother after the incident occurred and told her what had happened, and that this young girl demanded that her father be called immediately because she was terrified of the perpetrator and she knew her father would not only protect her but that he would give her the justice he has always given her, because he loves her.

What in our example would occur in our so-called "civilized" society and what would likely occur if the consequences of the crime were dealt with in a more natural setting? By natural I mean with hands and mind unbound by law and order and social structures which are not fabricated but perhaps more natural social structures.

In the civilized setting the mother would call the father and she and/or him would call the police. Despite their natural feelings (which are very real) they would do nothing else but console the child, which itself, when looked at for face value, is pretty meaningless when no immediate corrective action is seen. They would then take the child to the hospital to be poked and prodded and interviewed. Then the child would sit in terror for days, weeks, or maybe even months as the perpetrator roamed free until enough evidence had been collected to lock them in a cell as they awaited a trial. Finally, perhaps a year or more after the crime occurred and the child had finally started to heal and get past the incident she would suddenly be forced to face her accuser in a big scary courthouse and re-live the incident all over again.

By this time thousands of dollars have been spent and lost, lives have been in constant turmoil, the child has lived in terror that the perpetrator may "get them", and really...absolutely nothing has been done. That is, nothing has been done except the child now feels less empowered, the child feels as if their parents, family, and friends are less capable of protecting them and rendering aid, and generally somewhere deep down inside the child has grown colder because of a lack of efficiency and action.

In the more natural setting the mother would call the father and she and/or him would call friends and family. They would console the child and attend to any medical needs, but they would immediately apprehend the perpetrator and deal with him. The child would not live in terror of the perpetrator because he was already dealt with and the child knows this and has been made quite aware that it has already been handled. Very little money was lost, it was handled quickly and efficiently, and the child feels empowered knowing that they can get justice and that their family, friends, and neighbors will always be there to render them aid and protection.

Certainly, the actual events of the more natural setting could have went quite differently and the perpetrator could have been too powerful for the family to gain justice (maybe the perpetrator could have been a warrior with a large and mighty family or something?), but at least the child would have seen that someone tried to do something!

I know my example is not perfect and I know such an example does not encompass all possibilities, and that it does not necessarily make a strong argument for or against anything on a truly rational and educated level, but it is an example which comes from the heart and the heart is very real.

Personally, everywhere I turn I see a failed society. Certainly our modern civilized society has accomplished many things, but each day I am more and more convinced that it has harmed, hindered, or hoodwinked more than it has helped, healed, and made whole. Our society is inefficient and empty, and it does little or nothing for the soul, which to me, means it does little or nothing at all.

I am not looking for perfection in society, but I am looking for balance and wholeness. Our world is out of whack because it is unbalanced, unfulfilling, untrustworthy, and unhappy. Bad things will always happen but those bad things must be met with equally swift goodness. I believe a short poem which I wrote sums up my feelings on the matter quite succinctly. It has no title which is fitting because the poem is about emptiness:

I am so tired.
Where is my world of butterflies,
where children laugh and no one cries?
Where is this place with steps ahead,
where dreams are made and plans are had?
Empty. Empty are the arms of angels...

Peace & Happiness,


Monday, April 21, 2014

Bad News

I have some bad news. I regret to inform my readers that it may be awhile before I am myself and feel that I can post again. You see, my daughter was sexually assaulted by her step-grandfather at about 2:30pm on Monday April 14, 2014. He later tried to kill himself by driving his Jeep off a cliff on Mile Hill Road sometime Tuesday evening.

My daughter is very frightened and needs her daddy. The whole family is a wreck and no one seems like their self at this time. I will be back to posting and ranting again as soon as I am able.

Peace and Happiness to all,


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy New Year! It is 2014 and the beginning of a new and glorious year. A new year with Jennelle and with love. Let me speak of her again!

She does little things for me, that I do not and would never ask for, like making my cigarettes for the day (I roll my own) or making breakfast, or just a little something to make the day a little better and a little more beautiful and a little less stressful. That is love!

Just when she leaves me a little note, or a simple Post-It Note with a red heart drawn on makes all the difference when that is the very first thing I see when I awake. I almost want to burst into tears thinking about it because it it so valuable and precious to me. It is so beautiful to me that I save every note in a little shoe box as if it were gold. It is gold to me.

Have you ever known this? I have not. And I never want to know what it is like to not have this again, for I know I truly have love. I have a love that wants to do anything, even a little thing, just to brighten every single day of my life. And I want and do the same.

Its been over seven months. It is not infatuation or gross error, it is true love; it is not a lie or a facade, it is truth.

On New Year's, at midnight, we danced and kissed. We played several songs and danced and hugged and kissed. The same love was still there – a love that is different than all others, bigger, and larger, and stronger. I love her for exactly who she is and she loves me for the same.

I want to speak of freedom to you, but I cannot get this woman out of my head, because I love her so much. She is freedom to me – love is freedom. I was so close, yet I could not place what I was whining or venting about.

I'll say it again, it is love. Love is freedom! Love is not a drug, it is anything and everything that makes sense and purpose in life.

You want to be free? First find yourself, then find someone who loves you for you, whom you love for who they are. Sound difficult? I think it just happens, eventually, when you set out to truly find yourself and BE yourself.

And do not FEAR. For who says it needs to be here or there? This or that? Let love be what it is, when it is, and let time do it's thing. If you walk into love with this attitude, you can survive its might and take full advantage of it, without fear. Just let it be what it is, when it is, and allow it to travel it's course. Just let Love be.

Maybe it is when we try to control love and capture it in some sort of bottle that it dies?

Jen speaks of appreciation, and perhaps that is something huge to her. Me? It is something deeper. It is not appreciation, but desire to make another happy and better. It is a desire to do anything and everything you can, even the little things, to make the life of the one you love just a little bit better – one day at a time. Maybe you could call that appreciation, but I call it love!

Love is not just someone to lean on, but someone who will lift you up both when you are down and even before you have a chance to fall – because they give a damn. It is a heart that is always there, waiting and watching and caring. It is a heart that is so taken by what you give that it would give all it can just to keep what you give effortlessly, out of pure natural love and affection.

Jen is my “trip”. I am tripping for her and I am high as a kite. She is still here and still in love and has seen just about all there is to see. Really the only thing left to see is when I truly lose my temper (which is few and far between) and the playing out of my sexual fantasies (which I am fairly certain she would be more than for).

So what do I mean? Well...sometimes I lose my temper (long fuse, explosive anger) and she has not seen me truly lose it yet (it has scared the shit out of all who have seen it – including me), but I do not see that as a problem as I only lose my temper when it matters and counts and she is one who understands. Maybe she will fully understand? Maybe it will turn her on? Maybe it will be no big deal to her? Maybe I'll never have to go there again?

And what do I mean by sexual fantasies? I am bisexual and quite open when asked, yet understanding and considerate of those I love. Maybe that will bug her one day? Maybe some day I will feel more on the bisexual side and she will catch me watching porn she doesn't feel comfortable with or something? I don't know. She is bisexual as well, so I don't see how, but it could be. Maybe she just won't be capable of figuring out how to handle a man who has my sexual drive and orientation?

Don't get me wrong. I can be monogamous, but it does not change what turns me on.

And this is all part of freedom and knowing the self and having love; it is a complicated thing. Love kind of rises above this all and makes everything alright. Love understands on both sides and finds a way Love transcends!

Granted, she has many desires and infatuations that definitely appeal to me (although she only dances around them), so as I said...I am actually quite positive in thought about the sexual fantasy department – I think she wants to go places that would help to fulfill a bisexual guy anyway.

Let me put that last part this way... I ask myself, being bisexual myself, what it is this woman desires and what is all that I can give to fulfill those needs and desires? I obviously cannot be a woman, but what is it that both men and women can give her that I can give? So I give her emotional support and masculine strength and love and I go down on her often – I give the best I can to capture all worlds. I know I can never be a substitute for all longings, but I can be the best thing across the board – the best love. I know I can compete in that arena and I can be me. And I am open enough for her to come to if the longings to play out her sexuality are too strong. I won't and don't care, so long as my body, health, mind, and heart are considered in the equation – I demand her freedom.

Is it wrong for me to do so? I don't think so. And maybe I should say such more? Or maybe I should keep my mouth shut and love as I do? Or maybe we both should run amuck and do our thing? I honestly do not know. I am honestly new to loving and not giving a shit as to what I WANT to be projected onto the other (non-freedom). I am still trying to figure out just how to let the other be FREE and be their self and still LOVE them.

Anyway...happy 2014 and happy love! Live your life FREE and with PEACE and LOVE! Be satisfied and feekl wanted and appreciated.



P.S. Jen is right. There is lot's of love in this house. That is why I am still here and why I am who I am. But love does not come without pain, and there is tons of hurt, but love conquers all, and the hurt only makes the love stronger.

I am deadly dangerous not because I went to bodyguard school, but because I love. The most dangerous man is not one who has nothing to care for, but one who has everything to care for. It is impossible to defeat a man or woman who has everything to lose with the strength of any army or weapon of the world, for love conquers all... Love will always find a way!