Sunday, May 19, 2013

Let's Hear Adam Kokesh

I know nothing about this guy, but I do know that my Great Uncle died in WWII, my uncle served in the Korean War, my dad volunteered for the Air Force during the Vietnam War, my cousin was in Libya with the Marines, my other cousin is still a recruiter for the Marines, and my brother served in the Air Force during 9/11.  Let this man speak!  I don't give a damn if he is wrong or ignorant, LET HIM SPEAK!  Otherwise, what the Hell were any of my family doing?

What did this guy do wrong to be arrested?  Tell me...and I might shut up, but it better be really good, 'cause his history gives him quite a bit of room to speak, in my opinion.  Besides that,. the Constitution gives us all a right to speak - so what did this guy do wrong?

I don't really understand what this man did wrong, but I do know that as an American citizen he should have the RIGHT to speak and express himself!  I don't give a damn if I like his opinions or if anyone else does - that is what rights are made for.

Frankly, my feeling is that if we are going to make veterans heroes, then we should do so all the way, and not just when the media or gooberment says!

I think we ALL need to know "what" this guy did, "where" he is, "what" it will take to make him free, and "how" he got there.  If we do not look after our soldiers then who do we look after?  What is this all about?

At this point, no one even knows where this guy is...  What's up with that, and why are We letting it happen?



Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Plan as it Stands

I cannot set my daughter up for life – it ain't happening unless I get real lucky or work something out in the future, so that is OUT. The best I can do is make sure she does not have to pay for my burial and monument, one day – I hope to remedy this.

Otherwise, I will continue to find as many ways as possible to make passive income and forms of direct income I find desirable.

I am still on to the idea of a converted van/bus (specifically if I wish to stay in the area during winter), but I am thinking of a motorcycle as well. Originally my idea for a back-up was a bicycle, but I am now thinking motorcycle.

In either event, I will try to start attending more free concerts and more pagan festivals, which are local. I may even try to get involved with local pagans/heathens. The time is nearing and I am more concerned than ever about my potential choices.

Owning land is still not out (I am open to all possibilities), but it is a long shot and therefore, not anywhere near my high priority list in planning, but it is always an option. I am focusing much more on migration though, because even if I do own land, I will likely travel quite often – the land would ultimately be for my daughter and the public (in my mind).

I don't just want freedom, I want to show others how to attain it, if I am successful, or even near successful. Nothing is always all about me. I am merely struggling for a way to be free, live free, and teach freedom as I found it.

I need to know myself, my skills, my geographic resources, and make as many relationships as possible – this is the key, in my mind. I despise work, but it is an almost inevitable statistical fact, so it is more about what I want than IF I will do this thing or that.

I am also lonely, but I do not need to look to the past or any particular “preconceived notion” to remedy this – I just need be myself and “try” to interact with others. I've done it many times before and it has worked – being myself is always best. Even if I am getting older I must remember that I am still as desirable as I was, just older and therefore more appealing to the older and more mature, just as I was in my youth.

My loneliness is mostly my fault – taking way too much time off for myself, but I needed too. I have taken the time to know myself, which makes me much more stable for another, even if my ways are much less than stable – it is something.

So, I am still on track, with minor adjustments, and willing to open up a bit more, to make some relationships and see what happens.

The road is long with many winding turns, but a sound mind, a decent spirit, and a good map and compass (plan), make for an excellent adventure.



Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Straightening This Blog Out

Lately, this blog has become about a certain woman, and it is definitely NOT intended for that. While I will always hold all of my past loves in high regard, this blog is about ME, MY take on relationships, and about freedom, and I will not allow myself to stray from that.

I fell away from my goal for the same reason I had to state my opinions – I am still healing, in my own way; and in such I am finding freedom. My venting and typed opinions may not be popular and they may hurt those I care for, but I have a right to speak and vent, and I will, and I will not turn the topic to any particular person or relationship unless it is particularly important to MY moment in time – I need to get by and survive.

I am sorry if how I do it hurts others – it is the way I see. I'm sure it hurts plants and animals to feed on them to live, but it is life. While I do not wish to “feed” on anyone, I may “think” and “say”things in order to make sense of my own life that they do not agree with.

Ten yeas, my readers, ten years! Am I wrong in what I do and in doing it my way if it takes me so long?

Therefore, I am done glorifying and magnifying that woman and that relationship. I am done complaining about it, if I can. Unless she makes a true effort to get back in, I am walking – I don't care what she thinks I said or did. I must find a way to move on, and unless she gives me a SPECIFIC indication of anything or a possibility for an opening (with the stipulation that I can be me and do my thing in the mean time), then I will do my thing.

I am done waiting on her (maybe that is what I did for 10 years)? I am done playing games. I am done hurting. I am done allowing her and the “potential” for a relationship (always open-ended) to influence my thought – I'm done. I am done trying to be friends if we cannot DROP the past. I simply cannot do it – period.

It is ALL ON HER. I am done allowing any of it to be on me. My offer is simple – either say you want something, say you want mere friendship REGARDLESS if I vent and be myself, or say you want no part anymore. Let's get “us” straight – if I am a guy friend I will be a GUY friend, and if I am a lover I will be a lover, there is no in-between. In other words, woman, YOU need to come to terms with how I am and how I do things as a lover, friend or acquaintance, or get out altogether, because I am NOT changing.

You WILL NOT crush me if you say “C-ya.” Know that (We already did that – no more damage could possibly be done, unless I allowed it)! There is no reason but your own to stop you from saying goodbye. I do not wish for you to say goodbye, but I do require you to lay it straight, flat, and ACCEPT how I am if we have any sort of relationship.

With that...this blog is DONE with that particular woman. I will do my best to refrain from speaking about her anymore, because my FREEDOM is not all about her, dealing with our relationship and moving on is only a small portion of MY freedom.

I want to START OVER, with her, if possible, and go from there, DROP the past, and see what happens. I don't "expect" anything – I just want to be granted FREEDOM by her and to grant it to her, and then see if anything ever was or still is. Otherwise, I think it best for us to just walk away, because I NEED SOMETHING, and I will have it.

It is really messed up when two people really did love one another and cannot figure how to deal with it.



Saturday, May 11, 2013

Speaking Truth Concerning Relationships and Confessing Wrongs

Recently a certain groovy hippie chick replied to some of my blog posts. She was rather upset and thinks I am even more scummy than she did, so I want to throw some TRUTH out to place reality where it should land.

Remember, you screwed around FIRST. You made the first choice, you slept with another person WHILE still in an intimate and sexual relationship FIRST, and YOU set that stage in our relationship in motion – it was YOU, not me.

So yes, “I did do some of the things I did AFTER we broke up.” I did some pretty scummy things to you at that time, AFTER you devastated me. I also did some pretty scummy things to other women and even just some friends AFTERWARDS because I was experimenting and working through my problems.

You probably HATE me (not to mention a certain other woman hates me) because it is true that I had sex with her and then returned home to have sex with you, and I “did” get a kick out of that. Are you going to tell me you didn't get a kick out of the things you did? Is it somehow better that I don't know the details of some of those excursions? So how am I any more “scummy?”

Then you complain about me saying things in blogs. Would you rather I hid my feelings and my actions from you? Is that really what this is all about? Is it somehow BETTER if neither of us KNOW the TRUTH or hear a little venting? Why are you reading my blogs anyway, if I am such an ass?

Why am I so wrong? Better yet, how am I more wrong than you? I guess that is my real question - “How am I more wrong than you, and how could you possibly expect me to be better? By what right could you expect me to be better or even equal to how you view yourself?”

I did some horrible things to hurt you, but I also did some awesome things to love you. All you see is what makes me WRONG (or wrong to you). Is it any wonder I am frustrated in trying to even get along with you?

So what if I said you weren't a “trophy.” Do you even know what I mean by that? Furthermore, do you really think you are the best I could ever have, and do you really think I have those thoughts stuck in my head? Certainly I am not the best for you because we ARE NOT, so why do you frown upon me acknowledging YOU may not be the best for me?

Do you even remember one of the positive things I stated?

Ok. I essentially called you a couch potato and said we differed in our preferences for lounging around, generally living, having fun, and viewing/trusting the socio-political world. I said this proved we never really knew one another. The horror! So you think I am wrong and “I thought it;” I am such a dick!

When I think about it, I think it is the fact that I MUST state the TRUTH, some hurtful lies, and vent out loud and openly, which “she” has the greatest problem with. I cannot help it though – it is me. Certainly, she can't be that upset about all else. We shared our bed with others when together, and unless she is mentally ill she KNOWS I was with at least two separate women in separate relationships (after we broke up), and having intimate relations with them, while I was with her. And she'd be a fool to think I did not fulfill “odd” fantasies when afforded the opportunity. I really don't think she is that stupid, so it must be my words which BURN HER the most.

She does not like my words and “open” discussion of what she feels only we should discuss, she does not like my “out loud” vents and current thoughts, especially if they happen to hurt, and she does not like me pointing out the obvious truth and/or hypocrisy. In other words, she doesn't like how I handle things. Tough.

Look, either try to read my stuff “outside of yourself” or just forget it – because OUR relationship isn't all about YOU – I was there too. We both did scummy things, at least if we hold to what I personally now believe is a FALSE concept of monogamy and we believe the b.s. that a HUMAN RELATIONSHIP is perfect if it is TRUE. You will never “get me” or anything I say if you hold to a Christian worldview, which means some deeply engraved things you never even thought about (you learned them from our society) and you probably don't want to think about – it effects the comfort zone.

Ooh wow! I said we probably never knew each other, we weren't meant to be, and we had differing opinions that I found difficult. The horror! I said you weren't the BEST! How horrible! Well, if you really gave a shit about “being the BEST” you'd try to be it and you'd try to honestly make my true thoughts CHANGE so that I would express such (if you were to be MY best), but instead you get pissed for me saying what I think. Yeah, you were the BEST in some arenas, but you weren't the all-around best, and I KNOW I was not either, or I'd still be there – wouldn't I? So what is your problem?

Really... the more I think of it the more I think WTF? You aren't keeping me on a string, woman. I'm better than that! If you want anything to do with me you need to do it in accordance with who I am. You need to learn to accept how I deal or debate it logically, because this appeal to emotion shit ain't cutting it anymore. I WILL NOT do it! I know where my feelings stand and I know what I want and what I would like to see, but I WILL NOT waiver – this understanding MUST be part of accepting me. I cannot learn to “get along” with you if you will not accept this, and I fully understand the consequences – but that's the absolute TRUTH to me.

If you want to walk away this is your chance. If you want a friendship, then I suggest you take some time to yourself and sort that out and figure how you can do YOUR THING with me doing mine. I ain't joking, woman. I am old and tired. This IS the best “bridge” I can build for us, anymore – it is it. I don't hate you – I love you, but I need to make peace within myself. If for some reason you wanted something or an opening it is still there in what I offer, but I am laying down my ground rules. I am OVER YOU in that you are a love in a specific space and time. If you want active friendship, then you need to DEAL with what it entails.

I am not joking. I am not just talking or venting in this instance – I am laying it STRAIGHT. This is it. Take it or leave it. And this is not like your ultimatum over Diana – this is REALLY it, so speak and act carefully. As a matter of fact, it appears to me THAT was really it (between us, in that sort of a relationship – or so you mentioned), so you should KNOW what I mean then. I'm not “bluffing” - I am telling you how I really feel and what I really think.

You know? Why am I even bothering? Why am I even responding? Why do I even give a damn if I am the scummy guy she is making me feel I am? Why did I even bother reaching out or altering my original posts? WTF is wrong with me? Am I THAT easily controlled and screwed with? Why do I “care?” if I am everything she claims I am and if she is truly “devastated?” What kind of “sucker” am I? Why try at all? It makes no sense, if she is CORRECT, so what does that mean? I know what it means, but let her do her thing and believe her thing. Why did I even bother answering the email? I'm an ass and I say mean things, right? I ought to be ashamed, right? But “why” would I be, if I am all those things she thinks I am? Why would I even respond and attempt to explain a thing? Why would I even try if she is RIGHT in the things she thinks are TRUE of me?

I'm done with this b.s. I KNOW my truth. I can live with it. I'm done trying to point out the obvious as well. I'm done – I've done all a guy can do. Harp on those mean things I say, take them personally, and do your thing. Just take time off, if you need to, and reevaluate, or do whatever. We are at our last chance to reevaluate things and go from there, from a base, a non intimate base – and that is my last effort. I have nothing more to offer to try to salvage anything.

If you want “friend” Jeff, you can have “friend” Jeff, and even with the stipulation we never speak of the past (I'll make that final concession), but if you can't live with just that, then you need to figure out what to do. You also need to accept that “friends” bitch, vent, and say things friends do, even about YOU – at least that is how GUYS do it, or at least “I” do. I know because you are not my only “ex girlfriend.” I've done this before.

That has the potential to build or destroy a relationship, and that toughness is what a true relationship is made of – I know because I've done it. Granted, I have a daughter (a common love) to keep the peace, but I would think any real love that existed could be just as strong. It doesn't mean you would be relegated to the status in which I view the mother of my daughter, but I do mean you and I need to learn to get along at least that well. We also do have children in our equation.

I am really done, woman. By that I mean I am done fighting and I am done with the past. Let's either try something entirely new and see where that goes or forget it altogether. We are BOTH scum when looking back at what we did to one another, so if anything is to be left – let's be honest and open with one another and try to leave the past where it is. It is there, but it isn't now, at least I don't think so – I don't know how you rationalize things.

You said, “I hope I ain't putting my foot in my mouth, but I want...” Ok. I agree. Let's try that, or forget it altogether. One or the other. If I can wait so many years to do what I WILL do in just a few (my dream trip), do you think I cannot walk away from us and live just fine? In other words, if that is what you truly want but do not know how to do, then do it? – this is also your chance for that.

I so much do not say that to burn you, but to stress my point – I WILL BE FREE regardless of anyone or anything because it is what I want most, which means I WILL be me and I WILL live accordingly. Excuse me a second...

Ok, I just got done explaining to my daughter that she was born with an antenna and a tail, just like her mother! I told her that her mother's tail was 40 feet long and they removed it at birth. Guess what? She KNOWS I am full of crap! My kid gets me. Thank God/dess she gets me!

I say things to make people “feel” better (or laugh), including myself, but sometimes it backfires and hurts people or is heard by the wrong person. Sometimes I use my gift for all the wrong reasons and set out to hurt others, but it is ME. I may mumble, but I am damn good with words when I want to be, and I certainly know how to make people laugh their asses off! I “act” completely ape shit crazy many times just to give people something, to give them “something” to hold on to life. I am a spark or a flame in the lives of many. Maybe you don't like the spark I am giving you? Her mother would probably wonder “on her own subjective level” why I chose her? Many individuals, particularly mothers may find what I said to my daughter particularly evil or wrong, but YOU know I meant it in the best way. I just wanted my daughter to laugh – I knew she knew better. So what if I picked on her mom a little? If she doesn't care and doesn't take it that way, then why should anyone else? She KNOWS we both love her and that I encourage love between us all (her mother, me, and her). She KNOWS, and my past actions have SHOWN, that I love us all and I respect us all.

Can't you see? I don't always say what I mean – I express myself and let it at that. I don't know how else to lay it down. I don't know what else to say. I know how to use words, I know how to make people happy, and unfortunately I also know how to make them sad or upset – I am damn good at it! I am offering a potential solution for us to get back on the right track and learn to get along again – a simple distant friendship with a stipulation that the past is omitted – that is the BEST I can do. Take it or leave it.

I do not always believe everything I say or write, nor do my actions necessarily always prove my words. The best way to judge me is by what I DO, not what I say. I am a lover AND a fighter – remember: I “faint” as well as strike, and sometimes what I “say” is designed to keep the eye in one place while what I “do” (or feel or think) is unseen. If you were a fighter, as well, you'd know to READ BETWEEN THE LINES to see what is really going on. Sometimes all it is is a way to keep going and stay in the fight. There is no good “fighter” who does not use their head more than their body - to think so is sure failure. The TRUTH is always hidden between the lines.
I am fighting to keep my head afloat and my heart alive. I don't expect anyone to understand that but me. You do your thing and react however you feel is appropriate – I WILL live either way. I'm not saying I will be happy if we are done for good, but I will live, I will “get by”, and I will move on regardless. At this point it does not matter to me anymore (because I am too tired and too old and too lonely), but I was under the impression that that was what you wanted all along anyway – me to “get back to me and live life.” moved me, but now I am “here.” Ponder that for an instant.



Thursday, May 9, 2013

A Final Word and Message to a Beautiful and Groovy Hippie Chick

I will always love you above and beyond all else in “our” time and place – that was relationship and it was awesome. Please do not hate me for making my own reasons and understandings of it in the now. Let me reason it and have no fear or worry – I will always love you – trust what we felt and had. My own subjective reasons mean nothing beyond me – they are mine.

Don't you understand? “We” had one another for the time we did and NOTHING can take that away? There is no power which can erase that! So just let me run my mouth and move on. Its not even the end, there is no end, and if either of us have any feelings of keeping a “bridge” open it will always be – neither of us or anyone could stop that. If the “love” was true there is nothing to worry about or bitch about. Let each one of us deal with our past “relationship” in our own way – words and reasons mean nothing in that arena. Can't you understand that?

I do not mean to hurt you – I mean to fix me and vent. Maybe you should read my thoughts and words more as 10 years from the fact and not like they are yesterday? Maybe you should account for my “time off” and my thinking? And maybe you should not try to correct me or argue my thinking, but just say your own thoughts?

It is nothing against you to say we were never meant to be – it is an empirical FACT of this space and time. Are we in a relationship which is close? No! FACT proven.

Perhaps you cannot understand me if you do not know from whence I come on a foundational level? Ok. If you truly give a rat's ass and want to know, don't ask me. Acquire five books and read them from cover to cover, then you'll understand from whence I come, otherwise, don't “act” like you know – people change. The five books are: Radical Nature and Radical Knowing by Christian De Quincy, The Cosmic Serpent and DNA and Intelligence in Nature by Jeremy Narby, and Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethรก. These books, among other thoughts, helped me understand and helped me properly deal with things. I may not express such understanding to your liking, but these books are a core to my philosophical and spiritual beliefs. I especially recommend you read them all for yourself, but if you want to understand a hair of where I come from after all of these years they'd give you the general idea.

If you don't want to acquire them and read them, then frankly you don't want to know “me” and where I am coming from too badly – FACT. Let it rest at that then! I'm sorry, but to suggest such is the quickest and best way to explain myself.

As far as Emily goes... I have “faith” in her and do not think she would “flip” if she read my words, but would rather seek to understand them. If I did any sort of good job helping to raise her and she truly feels that, then my words are nothing more than that – my actions proved themselves. If I did anything right with her, or you did, then she should be capable of reading between the lines rather than just the lines. If all she “sees” are words, then we both FAILED her.

Next, the stuff you read in the notebook. They hurt you, 'yes'? I accomplished my mission at the time. Those words were designed to hurt and fuck with you for a long time. I cannot take them back, or the fact I left them where I knew you would find them, or obviously convince you I set you up to read them (unless you admit I am that smart, dubious, and sometimes evil) – which I don't see you or anyone admitting (most like to view me as inferior or close-to-equal in intelligence for whatever reason). However, you discovered NOTHING I did not wish for you to discover. I have always told you that and I will stick by it.

The words in that notebook did have some facts involved to make them believable, but I still maintain I made the best story I could to drive you away and hurt you (even if I tried to make some of it real so it was believable). You may know how to make a guy “not believe” when it suits your needs, but I sure know how to make any woman “believe: when it suits mine. You wanted a choice, and I wanted some sort of freedom. I chose to try to drive you away and I did quite well. I apologize for hurting you and I expect no forgiveness – I did what I apparently desired.

That's my story on that, it always has been, and always will be, because it is the absolute TRUTH. So please don't bring up that anymore! “Yes”, I was with Diana and you at the same time in an intimate way – you knew that – get over it. The rest was a lie designed to hurt you, with that obvious truth tacked on, and you bought it. Maybe you wanted to buy it? Maybe you were also seeking a reason for your thoughts and feelings? Maybe that is why you will not let it go and keep bringing that up? Maybe you actually want to believe all you read? Maybe I was counting on that?

If I succeeded in “mind-screwing” you to get even for the perceived “mind-screw” you did to me, then maybe I actually did what I intended at the time? Am I proud of it? No! Was it right? Probably not. I really struggle to say much more. I guess I did such a god job I can't erase or fix what I did. “Good then,” at least I know I can control how I am perceived enough to gain freedom from the love I feel if I need too. I guess I only wish I was better at it and less destructive to others. I knew then, and I hate now, that I was doing such a good job.

Yes! I did do that one thing, at least, and have sex with Diana in that way and then have sex with you in a specific 'nother way. That is 100% true. But let me ask you... “If you knew I was with her and you, did you not expect some sort of 'supposedly sick' fantasy to play its part?” Am I to believe you “got nothing” out of screwing around with me and Jimmy or whoever in the same day, same bed, same manner, or whatever? Am I t believe you tried to distinguish in some way or another and not have some sort of weird fantasy or whatever? Or that you did not, at least, find it exciting to have to separate men in the same day?

Am I evil for having such thoughts? Did it really hurt anyone beyond emotionally? And would it have hurt us if we knew all we did today? Most importantly, did it really do anything to us beyond our own confused perceptions and “pre” accepted views on love? Were we destroyed when I allowed Quinton to have sex with you or you allowed me to have sex with Julie? The only difference is we didn't try to hide Quinton or Julie in those instances.

We both agreed to those instances and were honest with one another – we fell apart when we lost honesty. That was our biggest problem – we fell out because we no longer trusted one another. You snooped in the place I knew you would because we no longer trusted one another. That was problem number 1.

Problem number 2 was we refused to communicate and get-along, which is still a problem. Something (I'm not sure what), made us shut down and shut-off. Maybe we got sick of one another or maybe lying and hiding was more exciting? I don't know. Maybe it was our preconceived and poorly thought social and cultural beliefs in monogamy? Maybe we could not accept other “loves”, but “sex” seemed OK? Maybe that was a major problem?

Maybe we didn't truly think we could be as honest with one another as we could have actually been?

I'm not trying to fix that – I am trying to give you understanding so you do not hate me. I am trying to help you understand my personal reasoning. Please! If you have an issue go back and view it all and all we did and how “open” we were and see if you have an idea or if it is similar. I'm truly trying to find answers and move on. I'm not “done” with us, bu I am “done” with what I perceived as us.

So, just let me do my thing. I can find happiness if you do not stand in my way, but rather actually and truly HELP me, as we always did. It was NOT MEANT TO BE, at least in that time and place, so LET IT BE! Let the universe sort itself out and let it sort us out. Either embrace me or let me “fly” and stand by and watch “woman.” I need something, just as we all do, and you KNOW that. I am not excluding you forever from that, nor will I ever say that our time together is “gone forever” (it is in its own time and place). I am merely trying to live in the here and now!

I apologize if you find my words and conclusions HATEFUL and wrong. Please know that I do not hate you, but I am trying to find both logical and experiential reasons to move on and forward.

You wanted to be “friends,” but no longer lovers; this is MY WAY. I'm not telling you to go to Hell or telling you to no longer speak with me, but I am asking you to step out of the way and leave OUR past behind, if you truly wish such. I am also asking if you truly do not wish such or do not know to state it so I can deal appropriately. I understand you do not want me to hate you, but maybe you could understand the FIRST step is getting over you?

I'm not going to HATE you for your comments. I may be miffed depending upon them, but I think I can deal with them, especially since I am so lonely and tired. Do you know how hard it was to take nearly 7 years off? I cannot explain why I needed that much time without troubling you more, but I did and I may not yet be done, but I am very close to done.

I guess I just want you to understand I am not going to allow any 'loves” I ever had to stand in my way in trying again, maybe, if I can.

And please drop this “bullshit” about kids. Frankly, and I know this is hard for you to understand, I don't want more kids (I'm nearing 40 no, woman) – I just want peace. Every woman, these days, will try to make me PAY for my kids, when all I want to do is LOVE them, be FREE, and teach them how to do both. I am so close to being free again and out of the control of Tara that I don't think I'd give that up unless I trusted that woman 1000% (and tested her thoroughly to prove such trust). I want to live on, but not at the cost of living as someone other than myself!

I don't give a damn if you have an “oven” that does not work. You are nowhere NEAR worthless to me. In my mind, you could have done YOUR BEST THING with what the God/dess gave. That could have been worked out, to me. I know it couldn't have been worked out for you because you still have a tough time accepting it, but PLEASE don't act like it is truly an issue with us, because it is not. “Yes,” I can have more kids, but I'm not so sure I want too – probably not); however, if I did I know I would love them and fight for them and provide for them as I do all I love.

I don't give a rat-fuck (on that level) if you are barren. I really do not. It might make you feel better to think it does, but it does not matter to me. And frankly, to this day, I would raise a child with you if we could (even adopted or whatever) because I know we could do a great job together. That is that – please stop acting like that is BOTH our issue, because it is just your's. You like to think I could do better, but maybe I don't want too because I just want to feel free and I simply don't trust anyone to allow me that? I'll tell you this though – I'd help YOU raise a child any day, because I know you'd NEVER try to take away my freedom, never try to exclude me, and always LOVE that child, and KNOW that I would that that child.

Does that mean anything? Maybe to you or maybe in the future?

In any event, that is that. I don't hate you – I am venting and making my own reasons. Please don't try to make my reasons your's. If my reasons are to be your's then we need a RELATIONSHIP that makes all of those reasons OURS. Do you understand that? There is only one way to make that happen, and it is polyamory (I happen to polyamorous); otherwise forget it – we will NEVER work it out. Our situation is not something two monogamous people could explain. You cannot explain LOVE, as we had, with such a worldview and continue to “get-along” without a really distorted view of monogamy.

I know what I felt with you and others – I do not lie to myself. I further do not LIE about what I feel or think, but they are merely my own subjective feelings and thoughts and they can change, so please TRY to take no offense to them.