Lately, this blog has become about a certain woman, and it is definitely NOT intended for that. While I will always hold all of my past loves in high regard, this blog is about ME, MY take on relationships, and about freedom, and I will not allow myself to stray from that.
I fell away from my goal for the same reason I had to state my opinions – I am still healing, in my own way; and in such I am finding freedom. My venting and typed opinions may not be popular and they may hurt those I care for, but I have a right to speak and vent, and I will, and I will not turn the topic to any particular person or relationship unless it is particularly important to MY moment in time – I need to get by and survive.
I am sorry if how I do it hurts others – it is the way I see. I'm sure it hurts plants and animals to feed on them to live, but it is life. While I do not wish to “feed” on anyone, I may “think” and “say”things in order to make sense of my own life that they do not agree with.
Ten yeas, my readers, ten years! Am I wrong in what I do and in doing it my way if it takes me so long?
Therefore, I am done glorifying and magnifying that woman and that relationship. I am done complaining about it, if I can. Unless she makes a true effort to get back in, I am walking – I don't care what she thinks I said or did. I must find a way to move on, and unless she gives me a SPECIFIC indication of anything or a possibility for an opening (with the stipulation that I can be me and do my thing in the mean time), then I will do my thing.
I am done waiting on her (maybe that is what I did for 10 years)? I am done playing games. I am done hurting. I am done allowing her and the “potential” for a relationship (always open-ended) to influence my thought – I'm done. I am done trying to be friends if we cannot DROP the past. I simply cannot do it – period.
It is ALL ON HER. I am done allowing any of it to be on me. My offer is simple – either say you want something, say you want mere friendship REGARDLESS if I vent and be myself, or say you want no part anymore. Let's get “us” straight – if I am a guy friend I will be a GUY friend, and if I am a lover I will be a lover, there is no in-between. In other words, woman, YOU need to come to terms with how I am and how I do things as a lover, friend or acquaintance, or get out altogether, because I am NOT changing.
You WILL NOT crush me if you say “C-ya.” Know that (We already did that – no more damage could possibly be done, unless I allowed it)! There is no reason but your own to stop you from saying goodbye. I do not wish for you to say goodbye, but I do require you to lay it straight, flat, and ACCEPT how I am if we have any sort of relationship.
With that...this blog is DONE with that particular woman. I will do my best to refrain from speaking about her anymore, because my FREEDOM is not all about her, dealing with our relationship and moving on is only a small portion of MY freedom.
I want to START OVER, with her, if possible, and go from there, DROP the past, and see what happens. I don't "expect" anything – I just want to be granted FREEDOM by her and to grant it to her, and then see if anything ever was or still is. Otherwise, I think it best for us to just walk away, because I NEED SOMETHING, and I will have it.
It is really messed up when two people really did love one another and cannot figure how to deal with it.