I will always love you above and beyond all else in “our” time and place – that was relationship and it was awesome. Please do not hate me for making my own reasons and understandings of it in the now. Let me reason it and have no fear or worry – I will always love you – trust what we felt and had. My own subjective reasons mean nothing beyond me – they are mine.
Don't you understand? “We” had one another for the time we did and NOTHING can take that away? There is no power which can erase that! So just let me run my mouth and move on. Its not even the end, there is no end, and if either of us have any feelings of keeping a “bridge” open it will always be – neither of us or anyone could stop that. If the “love” was true there is nothing to worry about or bitch about. Let each one of us deal with our past “relationship” in our own way – words and reasons mean nothing in that arena. Can't you understand that?
I do not mean to hurt you – I mean to fix me and vent. Maybe you should read my thoughts and words more as 10 years from the fact and not like they are yesterday? Maybe you should account for my “time off” and my thinking? And maybe you should not try to correct me or argue my thinking, but just say your own thoughts?
It is nothing against you to say we were never meant to be – it is an empirical FACT of this space and time. Are we in a relationship which is close? No! FACT proven.
Perhaps you cannot understand me if you do not know from whence I come on a foundational level? Ok. If you truly give a rat's ass and want to know, don't ask me. Acquire five books and read them from cover to cover, then you'll understand from whence I come, otherwise, don't “act” like you know – people change. The five books are: Radical Nature and Radical Knowing by Christian De Quincy, The Cosmic Serpent and DNA and Intelligence in Nature by Jeremy Narby, and Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. These books, among other thoughts, helped me understand and helped me properly deal with things. I may not express such understanding to your liking, but these books are a core to my philosophical and spiritual beliefs. I especially recommend you read them all for yourself, but if you want to understand a hair of where I come from after all of these years they'd give you the general idea.
If you don't want to acquire them and read them, then frankly you don't want to know “me” and where I am coming from too badly – FACT. Let it rest at that then! I'm sorry, but to suggest such is the quickest and best way to explain myself.
As far as Emily goes... I have “faith” in her and do not think she would “flip” if she read my words, but would rather seek to understand them. If I did any sort of good job helping to raise her and she truly feels that, then my words are nothing more than that – my actions proved themselves. If I did anything right with her, or you did, then she should be capable of reading between the lines rather than just the lines. If all she “sees” are words, then we both FAILED her.
Next, the stuff you read in the notebook. They hurt you, 'yes'? I accomplished my mission at the time. Those words were designed to hurt and fuck with you for a long time. I cannot take them back, or the fact I left them where I knew you would find them, or obviously convince you I set you up to read them (unless you admit I am that smart, dubious, and sometimes evil) – which I don't see you or anyone admitting (most like to view me as inferior or close-to-equal in intelligence for whatever reason). However, you discovered NOTHING I did not wish for you to discover. I have always told you that and I will stick by it.
The words in that notebook did have some facts involved to make them believable, but I still maintain I made the best story I could to drive you away and hurt you (even if I tried to make some of it real so it was believable). You may know how to make a guy “not believe” when it suits your needs, but I sure know how to make any woman “believe: when it suits mine. You wanted a choice, and I wanted some sort of freedom. I chose to try to drive you away and I did quite well. I apologize for hurting you and I expect no forgiveness – I did what I apparently desired.
That's my story on that, it always has been, and always will be, because it is the absolute TRUTH. So please don't bring up that anymore! “Yes”, I was with Diana and you at the same time in an intimate way – you knew that – get over it. The rest was a lie designed to hurt you, with that obvious truth tacked on, and you bought it. Maybe you wanted to buy it? Maybe you were also seeking a reason for your thoughts and feelings? Maybe that is why you will not let it go and keep bringing that up? Maybe you actually want to believe all you read? Maybe I was counting on that?
If I succeeded in “mind-screwing” you to get even for the perceived “mind-screw” you did to me, then maybe I actually did what I intended at the time? Am I proud of it? No! Was it right? Probably not. I really struggle to say much more. I guess I did such a god job I can't erase or fix what I did. “Good then,” at least I know I can control how I am perceived enough to gain freedom from the love I feel if I need too. I guess I only wish I was better at it and less destructive to others. I knew then, and I hate now, that I was doing such a good job.
Yes! I did do that one thing, at least, and have sex with Diana in that way and then have sex with you in a specific 'nother way. That is 100% true. But let me ask you... “If you knew I was with her and you, did you not expect some sort of 'supposedly sick' fantasy to play its part?” Am I to believe you “got nothing” out of screwing around with me and Jimmy or whoever in the same day, same bed, same manner, or whatever? Am I t believe you tried to distinguish in some way or another and not have some sort of weird fantasy or whatever? Or that you did not, at least, find it exciting to have to separate men in the same day?
Am I evil for having such thoughts? Did it really hurt anyone beyond emotionally? And would it have hurt us if we knew all we did today? Most importantly, did it really do anything to us beyond our own confused perceptions and “pre” accepted views on love? Were we destroyed when I allowed Quinton to have sex with you or you allowed me to have sex with Julie? The only difference is we didn't try to hide Quinton or Julie in those instances.
We both agreed to those instances and were honest with one another – we fell apart when we lost honesty. That was our biggest problem – we fell out because we no longer trusted one another. You snooped in the place I knew you would because we no longer trusted one another. That was problem number 1.
Problem number 2 was we refused to communicate and get-along, which is still a problem. Something (I'm not sure what), made us shut down and shut-off. Maybe we got sick of one another or maybe lying and hiding was more exciting? I don't know. Maybe it was our preconceived and poorly thought social and cultural beliefs in monogamy? Maybe we could not accept other “loves”, but “sex” seemed OK? Maybe that was a major problem?
Maybe we didn't truly think we could be as honest with one another as we could have actually been?
I'm not trying to fix that – I am trying to give you understanding so you do not hate me. I am trying to help you understand my personal reasoning. Please! If you have an issue go back and view it all and all we did and how “open” we were and see if you have an idea or if it is similar. I'm truly trying to find answers and move on. I'm not “done” with us, bu I am “done” with what I perceived as us.
So, just let me do my thing. I can find happiness if you do not stand in my way, but rather actually and truly HELP me, as we always did. It was NOT MEANT TO BE, at least in that time and place, so LET IT BE! Let the universe sort itself out and let it sort us out. Either embrace me or let me “fly” and stand by and watch “woman.” I need something, just as we all do, and you KNOW that. I am not excluding you forever from that, nor will I ever say that our time together is “gone forever” (it is in its own time and place). I am merely trying to live in the here and now!
I apologize if you find my words and conclusions HATEFUL and wrong. Please know that I do not hate you, but I am trying to find both logical and experiential reasons to move on and forward.
You wanted to be “friends,” but no longer lovers; this is MY WAY. I'm not telling you to go to Hell or telling you to no longer speak with me, but I am asking you to step out of the way and leave OUR past behind, if you truly wish such. I am also asking if you truly do not wish such or do not know to state it so I can deal appropriately. I understand you do not want me to hate you, but maybe you could understand the FIRST step is getting over you?
I'm not going to HATE you for your comments. I may be miffed depending upon them, but I think I can deal with them, especially since I am so lonely and tired. Do you know how hard it was to take nearly 7 years off? I cannot explain why I needed that much time without troubling you more, but I did and I may not yet be done, but I am very close to done.
I guess I just want you to understand I am not going to allow any 'loves” I ever had to stand in my way in trying again, maybe, if I can.
And please drop this “bullshit” about kids. Frankly, and I know this is hard for you to understand, I don't want more kids (I'm nearing 40 no, woman) – I just want peace. Every woman, these days, will try to make me PAY for my kids, when all I want to do is LOVE them, be FREE, and teach them how to do both. I am so close to being free again and out of the control of Tara that I don't think I'd give that up unless I trusted that woman 1000% (and tested her thoroughly to prove such trust). I want to live on, but not at the cost of living as someone other than myself!
I don't give a damn if you have an “oven” that does not work. You are nowhere NEAR worthless to me. In my mind, you could have done YOUR BEST THING with what the God/dess gave. That could have been worked out, to me. I know it couldn't have been worked out for you because you still have a tough time accepting it, but PLEASE don't act like it is truly an issue with us, because it is not. “Yes,” I can have more kids, but I'm not so sure I want too – probably not); however, if I did I know I would love them and fight for them and provide for them as I do all I love.
I don't give a rat-fuck (on that level) if you are barren. I really do not. It might make you feel better to think it does, but it does not matter to me. And frankly, to this day, I would raise a child with you if we could (even adopted or whatever) because I know we could do a great job together. That is that – please stop acting like that is BOTH our issue, because it is just your's. You like to think I could do better, but maybe I don't want too because I just want to feel free and I simply don't trust anyone to allow me that? I'll tell you this though – I'd help YOU raise a child any day, because I know you'd NEVER try to take away my freedom, never try to exclude me, and always LOVE that child, and KNOW that I would that that child.
Does that mean anything? Maybe to you or maybe in the future?
In any event, that is that. I don't hate you – I am venting and making my own reasons. Please don't try to make my reasons your's. If my reasons are to be your's then we need a RELATIONSHIP that makes all of those reasons OURS. Do you understand that? There is only one way to make that happen, and it is polyamory (I happen to polyamorous); otherwise forget it – we will NEVER work it out. Our situation is not something two monogamous people could explain. You cannot explain LOVE, as we had, with such a worldview and continue to “get-along” without a really distorted view of monogamy.
I know what I felt with you and others – I do not lie to myself. I further do not LIE about what I feel or think, but they are merely my own subjective feelings and thoughts and they can change, so please TRY to take no offense to them.